1 My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24.They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for
a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
31. I believe that no problem is so large or so difficult that it
can't be blamed on somebody else.
32. I don't want to say that my love life is bad, but the last guy I
undressed in front of was Mr. Bubbles.
33. Dieting is a way to improve your health, enhance your appearance,
and live on food you wouldn't feed to a warthog.
34. You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can read most of a
magazine before the cashier shows you out.
35. Chain letters are so irritating that sometimes I wonder why I even
start them.
36. The other day I went to a psychic and found out what I was in a
previous life. A total pain.
37. I always start the morning with some crunches - cheese curls,
nachos . . . .
38. Why do bad things happen to good people? Because they get in my
way.
---------------------------------
Yesterday is but a dream
and tomorrow is only a vision.......
but today, well lived
makes yesterday a dream of
happiness and every
tomorrow a vision of hope.
