ChristineWho Are My Crushes's blog: "funny jokes"

TO MY DEAR WIFE: >> >> During the past year I have tried to make love to you >>365 times. >> >> >> I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once >>every ten days. >> >> The following is a list of why I did not succeed more >>often: >> >> 54 times the sheets were clean >> 17 times it was too late >> 49 times you were too tired >> 20 times it was too hot >> 15 times you pretended to be asleep >> 22 times you had a headache >> 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby >> 16 times you said you were too sore >> 12 times it was the wrong time of the month >> 19 times you had to get up early >> 9 times you said weren't in the mood >> 7 times you were sunburned >> 6 times you were watching the late show >> 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo >> 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us >> 9 times you said your mother would hear us >> >> Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not >>satisfactory because: >> >> 6 times you just laid there >> 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling >> 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with >> 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished >> 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you >>move >> >> KEEP READING....... >> >> >> TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: >> >> I think you have things a little confused. Here are >>the reasons you didn't get more than you did: >> >> 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat >> 36 times you did not come home at all >> 21 times you didn't cum >> 33 times you came too soon >> 19 times you went soft before you got in >> 38 times you worked too late >> 10 times you got cramps in your toes >> 29 times you had to get up early to play golf >> 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in >>the balls >> 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper >> 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running >> 2 times you had a splinter in your finger >> 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it >>all day >> 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty >>book >> 98 times you were too busy watching TV >> >> Of the times we did get together: >> >> The reason I laid still was because you missed and >>were screwing the sheets. >> I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what >>I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" >> The time you felt me move was because you farted and I >>was trying to breathe. >> >> Once you read this letter you have to keep it going. >> This game has been played since 1996. >> You must send this letter to 7 people. >> On the 5th day someone will ask you out or say "I love >>you." >> >> This is not a joke. >> It has worked for many years. >> If you break the chain, >> you will have bad luck with guys/girls forever. >> This is just for future readers. >> This began in 1996, not much of a past, but it works. >> >> So here are the rules: >> >> If you read this on a Sunday, wish for a good week >> If you read this on a Monday, wish for money >> If you read this on a Tuesday, wish for love >> If you read this on a Wednesday, wish for success >> If you read this on a Thursday, wish for anything you >>want >> If you read this on a Friday, wish for a really hot >>date >> If you read this on a Saturday, wish for an important >>phone call >> >> Send this to seven people (after you make a wish). >> >> Make sure it is sent as soon as you read it or your >>wish won't come true. >>

Ingredients: 2 Loving eyes. 2 Loving arms 2 Well shaped legs 2 Firm milk containers 1 Fur lined mixing bowl 2 Large nuts 1 Large banana Method: Look into loving eyes. Fold in loving arms Spread well shaped legs Squeeze and massage milk containers gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana - work in and out until well creamed. Cover with nuts and sigh with relief. Cake done when banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl! P.S. If cake begins to rise, leave town immediately!!!

Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone Confucius say, man who do business in whore house get jerked around Confucius say, baseball wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house Confucius say, man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient Confucius say, passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly Confucius say, better to be pissed off than pissed on Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long Confucius say, couple on seven day honeymoon make whole week Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist Confucius say, man who make love on side of hill not on level Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel Confucius say, man with tight trousers is pressing his luck Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy Confucius say, man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts Confucius say, man who sleep in bed of nails is holy Confucius say, do not drink and park, accidents cause people Confucius say, man who put pea in soup very unclean Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok Confucius say, boy who go to sleep with sex problem on mind wake up with solution in hand Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab Confucius say, to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts Confucius say, butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders Confucius say, man who live in glass house, should change in basement Confucius say, man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face Confucius say, man with big mouth beware of foot Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up Confucius say, man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion Confucius say, man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic Confucius say, house without bathroom is uncanny Confucius say, foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ Confucius say, man who sits on stool smells like shit Confucius say, man who throws dirt is losing ground Confucius say, woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth Confucius say, man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag Confucius say, man who kisses girl's behind, get crack in face Confucius say, girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town Confucius say, man with penis in peanut butter jar, fucking nuts Confucius say, man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy Confucius say, man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam Confucius say, learn to masturbate - come in handy Confucius say, girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip Confucius say, girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge Confucius say, waitress who sit on lepper's lap, keep tip Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose Confucius say, cow with no legs, ground beef Confucius say, two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn Confucius say, baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard Confucius say, finding old man in dark, not hard Confucius say, man who smoke pot, choke on handle Confucius say, OK for shit to happen - will decompose Confucius say, man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache Confucius say, man who sneeze without tissue take matter into own hands Confucius say, secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk Confucius say, man who drive like hell, bound to get there Confucius say, man who sit on tack, get point Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring Confucius say, sex on beach like American beer - fucking near water Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself Confucius say, woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom Confucius say, support bacteria - is only culture some people have Confucius say, man with athletic finger, make broad jump Confucius say, man who sit on upturned tack, rise above all Confucius say, wash face in morning, neck at night Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke Confucius say, man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back Confucius say, man who eat pussy, do lip service Confucius say, girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick Confucius say, men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more Confucius say, woman wearing G-string, high on crack Confucius say, virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick Confucius say, man who pull woman's bra strap, may get bust in face Confucius say, woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock Confucius say, man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self Confucius say, man who jump through screen door, strain self Confucius say, man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor Confucius say, man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose Confucius say, woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink Confucius say, man who put cock on stove, have hot rod Confucius say, man who fuck in cemetery may end up fucking dead Confucius say, man who jizz in cash register come into money Confucius say, man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers

Man: Where have you been all my life? Woman: Hiding from you. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Beerology 301: The Rules of the Drunk Dial 1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement. 2. It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen. 3.Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something. 4. Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come. 5. Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober. 6. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night. 7. You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain to them that I would still love me too! 8. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time. 9. It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune. 10. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry. 11. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem". 12. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it. 13. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing. 14. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing. 15. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually to costly to be a good idea. But if feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, brake rule 14 and use a friend's phone. 16. Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared. 17. When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk..... "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?" 18. Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when you're far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night. 19. Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher-grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers

FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know,some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:- SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blond hands her the compact.The second one looks in the mirror and says, " You dummy, it's me!" `´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:- THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to h e r head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blond replies, "Shut up, you're next!" `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:- FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blond replies, "Oh, that's easy: W. " `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:- FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:- SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware" `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:- SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. ; The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman." `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-

My Private Part Died Today An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas. But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" "Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Self raising, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here. CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she. (Of course .. I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-) WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... ... ... ... "HEBREWS"

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

LAZY PUSSY- this is when there is no movement on the woman's part except trying to stop full thrust of the dick into the pussy. She says faster; faster but still is not putting any effort into the action at hand. THE WENDY'S WINDOW PUSSY- This is the girl you pick up around 12:30 am, when everyone is sleeping and she knows that you are coming so she is waiting by the door. You don't have to beep the horn or call her from the car because she knows the deal. She usually is not the best looking girl. You are never seen with this girl in public places and you hate that she mentions your name to her friends. There is no reason to ask how your day was because it is too late for conversation. It is all agreed upon before she even gets in the car. Nine out of ten times, there is no talk of relationship, because that might spoil the mood. THE CONQUERED PUSSY- This is the girl who teased you for about two or three years and finally you do get your chance and you please the pussy in a way it has never been pleased before. Now, you have this girl calling you and wondering when y'all can HOOK-UP again. There is no pussy better than THE CONQUERED PUSSY. THE ALL-INCLUSIVE PUSSY- this is when you get all the benefits of sex. The pussy is yours for the taking. Whether it is night or day, still in her church dress type pussy. The pussy smells like roses even after sex and taste better than candy. Not only is the pussy yours whenever or wherever you want it; she gives you ALL the sexual favors you can imagine. The head is tremendous, the kind that you write your niggas in jail about and she can handle the dick when you hit from the back. To top it off, she is not scared to take it in the ass. This is in close running with THE CONQUERED PUSSY for the best pussy to ever get. THE OUT OF TOWN PUSSY- this is the pussy you met on the last trip you and the fellas took. She only keeps in touch via email and she does not want a long distance relationship. She visits only at your discretion and always comes alone but is always willing to bring a friend. She is number one when you go back to that city and only wants to have lunch to catch up on missed conversation. THE OUT OF TOWN PUSSY is necessary for the travelling single man. THE FRUSTRATION PUSSY- this is the girl you call when you need to let some loose. You decide to call her when your day at work is miserable. You may even set this up before leaving work or on the way home. The only reason for this activity to take place is to get your mind off of other things. Afterwards, you might even think to yourself and say why did I just do that.The girl who is receiving the dick usually doesn't mind because she doesn't get much action to begin with. THE FRUSTRATION PUSSY is sometimes THE WENDY'S WINDOW PUSSY. THE FREQUENT FLIER PUSSY- this is the girl you know is fucking around, but you just don't care. She has lubrications that are half way used already.She always has condom wrappers in the bathroom trash and beer in the frig. The only reason why you keep fucking because it's good, she's not bad looking and there could never be a relationship. It has not been proven, but she could have fucked one of the guys you use to go to school with. The pussy is not loose, but it is not THE HANDS ON THE HIPS PUSSY. I'll get to that later.. TIME TO GO PUSSY- this is the pussy that when the pants come off of her you can smell the nahh nahh. Fellas if this happens it is not even worth the two bars of soap it will take to get rid of the stench left on your dick. This occurs with girls you bring home from the club, so to avoid this, take a good wiff while in the car with her or better yet invite her to take a shower with you. THE TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT PUSSY- this is the girl everyone expects you to fuck. You haven't touch her because she either has a big mouth, lives next door or is a close friend of the family's relative. There is also a chance that she is all three. She is cute but you know the consequences. She continues to tease you with the pussy and at any moment when the both of you are alone, she lets you know that she wants to fuck. The best thing to do is fuck her friend. Last but not least... THE HANDS ON THE HIPS PUSSY- this is the girl that you fucked only one time because she could not handle the dick. No matter position y'all tried, she complains that it hurts. Not only is she screaming like you are murdering the woman, but she puts her hands on your hips so that you can't get your full stroke-on. It is like fucking with half of your dick. She does not know the proper way to suck dick so there is no pleasure there and doggy style to her is just Snoop's first album. This is by far the worst pussy a man can get.