ChristineWho Are My Crushes's blog: "funny jokes"

> Subject: What starts with "F" and ends with "K"? > > > > What Starts with F and ends with K ? > > A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. > > The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" > > Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" > > Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. > > While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. > > Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. > > Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" > > Harry: "9." > > Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" > > Harry: "36." > > And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. > > The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." > > Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." > > The principal and Harry both agreed. > > Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" > > Harry, after a moment: "Legs." > > Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" > > The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! > > Harry replied: "Pockets." > > Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?" > > Harry: "Pants." > > Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" > > &n bsp; Harry: "Coconut." > > The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. > > Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" > > The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." > > Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" > > Harry: "Shake hands." > > The principal was trembling. > > Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" > > Harry: "Firetruck." > > ; The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests atheart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale bbq chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. (And i know what my bathtub looks like I don't need a close up of it after falling off the pot, it's really hard to get outta there.) 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon 5. Statistic THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing 6. Fight? No way. Let's sit down and talk this out 7. Text message? No I have sent enough for the night 8. Dance? No I shouldn't I should just sit here on the barstool.

>> A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he >>finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties >>him to a chair. >> >> >>While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top >>of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. >> >>While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: >>"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's >>probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in >>years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't >>resist, don't complain..do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no >>matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very >>dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. >>I love you!" >> >>His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in >>my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if >>we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong >>honey. I love you, too."

Get ready for the biggest shock in your life!! Giving .........head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories. Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth The American Dental Association says that semen cuts plaque better than mouth wash, so suck a dick and save a smile. Having nice sex burns 358 calories. Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories. Take off her clothes with her consent.........................12 cal without......................187 cal Take off her Bra With two hands..........................8 cal With one hand.........................12 cal With mouth.............................85 cal Put on Protection hard .......................... 6 cal soft..........................315 cal Foreplay Looking for target...................8 cal Finding G spot ......................92 cal I don't F***ing care.....................0 cal Entry Holding her..................12 cal On the floor.................8 cal With Different Position Missionary..........................358 cal Doggy...........................316 cal 69 lying...............................286 cal 69 standing.............................512 cal Italian hanger.........................912 cal ###### Real................................112 cal Faking................................315 cal After "O" Lying in Bed............................18 cal Hop off the bed............................36 cal Wondering why she left pissed off...........816 cal Get dressed Quiet and calm...........................32 cal Rushing.........................98 cal Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal Heard her dad at the door.............1942 cal Her mom walking in..............................Priceless!!!LOL

Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. Sixth Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with fourbullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt. HONORABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed. RUNNER UP Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and the tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located. AND THE WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "S..t happens"

1) Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay. 2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts. 3) NOT SHAVING. We often forget we have a porcupine strapped to our chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance. 4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most of us act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them. 5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do we fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like we're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good and a little nibbling is a turn on but pretending they're a dogie toy isn't. 6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points. 7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention. 8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off. 9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is our responsibility. You wore it, you store it. 10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris. 11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not. 12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy. 13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not. 14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most of us can find the clitoris without maps, we still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it. 15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not. 16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. 17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. Wearing socks and underpants is the worst. Lose the socks atleast... fast. 18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts. 19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds. 20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too. 21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man. 22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask. 23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. 24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. We persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her. 25) NOT SHAVING PT.2 We seem to like women to be shaved down below. That's fine. But women like that too. That doesn't mean you have to shave it bare (although, that would be nice), but at least keep it neat and trimmed. There's nothing that turns a girl off more than looking at a penis sticking out of a forest. 26) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm probably tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary. 27) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head. 28) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do. 29) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest. 30) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse. 31) TAKING PICTURES. When we say, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them. 32) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no. 33) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest. 34) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings. 35) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because we have a prostate. Women don't. 36) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end. 37) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on. 38) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know. 39) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you. 40) SQUASHING HER. We generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue. 41) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

1. Ms. Gold-Digger Advantages a. You have some one to manage your money. b. She always looks good. c. She makes your other niggas jealous. d. She makes you look good. Disadvantages a. When you get broke she'll be gone and take what you have left. b. She makes sure she has a child by you to sue you for child support. c. Once your nigga comes up she'll be on his arm the next day. 2. Ms. Freak (secret lover) Advantages a. She knows all the right positions. b. She'll try everything more than once. c. You're never unsatisfied. d. She'll do all the things your girl won't do. e. She doesn't mind being your freak, as long as she catches one too. Disadvantages a. Eventually, b/c she's a female, she'll end up catching feelings. b. She starts to act like she's your "main". c. She fucks wit ya boy and act like you in the wrong for telling her that she's a freak. d. Eventually her shit gets old. And you need a replacement. 3. Ms. Independent Advantages a. You don't have to worry about buying her anything. She got it. b. She's intelligent, sassy, confident and determined. c. She's great for (business) conversation. d. She keeps it real and has goals. e. She knows how to please a man. Disadvantages a. She will continuously let you know, that she can handle it on her own. b. She will eventually say fuck you and get a dildo. c. She will consider you another one her play toys, or goals. 4. Ms. Dyme Advantages a. She's top of the line. b. She stays looking like a fantasy. c. She has the body of a goddess with the face to match. d. She considers herself a "model" e. Gets you on hard whenever you see her. f. All the girls envy her, but she doesn't care. Disadvantages a. She's superficial. She cares only about her looks. b. She honestly lacks confidence and will annoy you about the way she looks. c. She's probably dumb as hell and if she's not her personality is dry. d. You have to constantly keep your game up b/c every nigga is gonna try to get her. 5. Ms. Tomboy Advantages a. She's cool and laid back. b. She'll be willing to play rough with you. c. Of course, she loves sports. d. Her body is athletically divine. e. She's easy to talk to and fun to be around. f. She's a diamond in the rough. Disadvantages a. She'll remind you too much of your nigga. b. She might not want to change her appearance. c. She might actually beat you in basketball, football and track. 6. Ms. Ghetto Advantages a. She's not afraid of any other female or male. She will fight to keep you. b. She's down for you. She'll be there to bail you out of jail. c. She's always stays fresh. d. She can cook up a storm. She can make the best out of a bad situation. e. She keeps it real and keeps you satisfied. Disadvantages a. She doesn't know how to act in public. b. Your mama can't stand her. c. You get into with her every other second. d. She's willing to fight another girl looking at you or her PERIOD. e. Her weave colors are distracting and her vocabulary is minimal. 7. Ms. Good Girl Advantages a. She's always there for you. b. She's intelligent, classy, kind, sweet and cool. c. Your mother loves her. d. You can see yourself falling in love with her. e. You are her first everything. f. She makes you feel like a man. Disadvantages a. She's an A or B situation either: A. You're not gonna get any until ya'll are married or B. She said she's never done - she said she's never tried - she's sitting there telling a muthafukkin' lie. 8. Ms. Main Advantages a. She is the one you respect. b. She probably may know about the others but might not care. c. She has all the qualities you want in a female. d. You've been with her forever. Disadvantages a. She starts getting very suspicious and calls you every moment. b. She will devise a plan to catch you in your act and then kick your ass 9. Ms. Psycho Advantages a. She's fun and spontaneous. b. She's down to earth. c. She loves you unconditionally. d. Everything about her is too good to be true. So everyone loves her. e. She makes you feel loved. Disadvantages a. Don't you break up with her. She will stalk your ass. b. She keeps pictures of you everywhere and knows everything about you. c. She can manipulate the hell out of you. d. She will consider herself wifey even if she may just be that chick on the side. e. Fuckin' with her can make your life a living hell. 10. Ms. I have a Man Advantages a. She may have a man but she'll mess with you anyway. b. She looks good. c. You have an intense night of passion with her. Disadvantages a. She'll always come crying to you about the problems with her man. b. She'll get you caught up and then leave you anyway for her man. c. If you piss her off she'll get her man to come beat your ass. d. She'll unofficially make you her man once she gets pissed off at her real man. 11. Ms. Tease Advantages a. She's tempting and a nice piece of eye candy. b. She's intelligent, athletic, respectable and SEXXXXXXY. c. She knows how to turn you on without touching you. d. Everything she does is just so sensual. e. She can bring you to that point and make you wait to get it. f. Every time you see her you catch a mini orgasm. g. Every nigga wants her b/c she's so mysterious and that makes you want to get her first. Disadvantages a. NO matter what you think or do you never get it. b. She probably has a long distance boyfriend somewhere that you will never know about. c. She gets you hard and leaves you like that. (Unbearable) 12. MRS. RIGHT Advantages a. She is not sexy, fine, or a dyme she is Beautiful and therefore encompasses all of these descriptions. b. She is intelligent, sassy, funny, outgoing, determined, strong and classy. c. She can cook or at least order a meal that is just like your mother's. d. Her personality is just as beautiful as her body. e. She believes in God and follows his virtues. f. She knows that a relationship requires a 200% quota yet she gives her man an extra 10%. g. She can please her man in anyway. Mentally, Spiritually, and Sexually. h. She makes you recognize your full potential as a man and completes you. i. She's always there for, no matter what your dreams are. j. She's not afraid to tell you the truth and set you straight. k. You can talk to her and confide in her, she's your best friend. l. You love being around her more than your boys. m. You can share your most intimate moments with her without sex. n. You can have a bad argument with her and have the BEST Mind Numbing and passionate love making fest ever. o. She's always willing to find a way to work out your problems and will often take most of your *bleep*. But she's also intelligent enough to leave. p. She's nothing like any other girl you've met. She's your woman. Disadvantage a. You've probably met her, or had her in your life but got too consumed with all the other types that you let her go

Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change: $20.00 Coffee: $1.00 Total: $21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21) Drink beer. 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25) Begin cussing fit. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 28) Beer. 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30) Beer. 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 32) Beer. 33) Lower car from jack stands. 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35) Beer. 36) Test drive car. 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38) Car gets impounded. 39) Call loving wife, make bail. 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $20.00 Total $4,145.00 (But you know the job was done right!)

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18. Procrastinate Now! 19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29. I smile because I don't know what the fuck is going on.