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I am NSFW's blog: "Funny Chit"

created on 03/02/2008  |  http://fubar.com/funny-chit/b193944

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The National Safety Council has created an impressive chart featuring the odds of death. Some of the highlights include:

- Legal Execution: 1 in 62,468
- Alcohol Poisoning: 1 in 10,048
- Firearm assault 1 in 314
- Dying of any cause 1 in 1

To see the full list and their funky chart sytem, go here.

‘Twas the night before Chanukah, boychicks and maidels Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidels. The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight In the kitchen the Bubba hut gechapt a bite. Salami, pastrami, a glassala tay And zayerah pickles with bagels, oh vay! Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlach felt While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt. The clock on the mantelpiece away was tickin’ And Bubba was serving a schtikala chicken. A tumult arose like a thousand brauches, Santa had fallen and broken his tuches. I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei, While Bubba was now on the herring and rye. I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes While Bubba was busy devouring the latkes. To the window I ran and to my surprise A little red yarmulke greeted my eyes. Then he got to the door and saw the Menorah, “Yiddishe kinder,” he said, “Kenahora. I thought I was in a goyisha hoise, But as long as I’m here, I’ll leave a few toys.” With much geshray, I asked, “Du bist a Yid?” Avada, mien numen is Schloimay Claus, kid.” “Come into the kitchen, I’ll get you a dish, A guppell, a schtickala fish.” With smacks of delight, he started his fressen, Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplah gagessen. Along with his meal, he had a few schnapps, When it came to eating, this boy was the tops. He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt, But they were so hot, he yelled “Oy Gevalt.” Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose from the tish, And said, “Your Kosher essen is simply delish.” As he went to the door, he said “I’ll see you later, I’ll be back next Pesach, in time for the Sedar.” More rapid than eagles his prancers they came, As he whistled and shouted and called them by name: Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzak, now Sammy, Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe and Mannie.” He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight: “Gut Yomtov to all, and to all a good night.

Poor Work Excuses

If you’re thinking about taking a sick day without being sick, try to avoid the following excuses, which are all true and have been compiled by Career Builder via hiring managers: 1. Employee was poisoned by his mother-in-law. 2. A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car from her house. 3. Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife. 4. Employee called from his cell phone, saying that he was accidentally locked in a restroom stall and that no one was around to let him out. 5. Employee broke his leg snowboarding off his roof while drunk. 6. Employee’s wife said he couldn’t come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house. 7. One of the walls in the employee’s home fell off the night before. 8. Employee’s mother was in jail. 9. A skunk got into the employee’s house and sprayed all of his uniforms. 10. Employee had a bad case of hiccups. 11. Employee blew his nose so hard, his back went out. 12. Employee’s horses got loose and were running down the highway. 13. Employee was hit by a bus while walking. 14. Employee’s dog swallowed her bus pass. 15. Employee was sad. Remember, managers are crafty folk, who can smell bullshit through the phone. Take your time thinking of your alibi and excuse before making that call!

Floridians...HaHa

This picture is real - not doctored in anyway - and was taken last week by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went and bought a camera to take pictures. The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. A woman is either asleep or otherwise out in the front seat passenger side. The guy driving it was jogging up and down on Rt. 925. (in the background) Witnesses said their physical state was OTHER than normal. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed. The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they had the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and 2X4s are fairly obvious, what you can’t see is the back seat, which contains — are you ready for this? — 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the back shocks were driven through the floorboard. The car, with FL plates (naturally), was headed for Annapolis, where the couple presumably planned to build a new house in which to smoke their crack.

The Pastors ASS!!!!

The Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: .... PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day. MORAL OF THE STORY? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life ... stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

Alcohol warnings

This is funny! Liquor Manufacturers have accepted the government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: the crumsumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode= ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The conmsumption of alcohol may make skinny dipping in a child's wading pool at 3:00 AM in a trailer park seem like a good idea ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The comsumption of alcohol may make you wake up next to a complete stranger ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think that wearing tampons dangling from your ears while eating at an all night diner is hysterical ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol WILL make you think you are God's gift to the opposite sex and that all members of that sex would be AMAZED by your sexual expertise ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol will cause impaired eyesight resulting in Mr. Clean looking more and more like Johnny Depp as the night wears on ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol can cause you to think you are bosom buddies with the arresting officer ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think your best friends really DOES want you to sleep with her husband during a temporary partner swapping activity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause the lines on the road to disappear. Hell it may even make the road disappear. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you change your life long sexual preference for a night ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may help you solve world hunger, the war, economical issues and deep religious questions all in one evening ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think your dresser drawers are really urinals in disguise ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to break out in self degradation, demoralization and hand cuffs

The Ladle!!

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER" You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one... Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate,Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom LESSON OF THE DAY .. NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!
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