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lilmamaa72's blog: "Funny Blogs"

created on 03/03/2008  |  http://fubar.com/funny-blogs/b194258
Photobucket Smith went to Canada to seek his fortune as a lumberjack. He met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give him a job. "Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told him. Smith didn't see this as a problem, so he went out with the Chainsaw and did his best. He came back sweating like a pig. "Christ, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman. "6" he replied. "What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow." The foreman said. So he did. Out he went with the chainsaw and came back that night exhausted. "How many this time?" asked the foreman. "12" he said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning." The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly." He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices Smith is looking at him frantically. So he asks him what's wrong. Paddy replies, "What the hell is that noise?"
Photobucket Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain) Mark Twain
Stupid A few clowns short of a circus A few fries short of a Happy Meal An experiment in artificial stupidity A few beers short of a six-pack Dumber than a box of hair A few peas short of a casserole Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl One taco short of a combo plate A few feathers short of a whole duck All foam, no beer The cheese slid off the cracker Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down An intellect rivaled only by garden tools As smart as bait Chimney's clogged Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor Forgot to pay his brain bill Her sewing machine's out of thread His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels His belt doesn't go through all the loops If he had another brain it would be lonely Missing a few buttons on his remote control No grain in the silo Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse Receiver is off the hook Several nuts short of a full pouch Skylight leaks a little Slinky's kinked Surfing in Nebraska Too much yardage between the goal posts
Genie A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing!"
Photobucket A Letter to Rudolph Dear Husband, It is time that I must have my say, I've taken your shit day after day. I've kept the home peaceful year after year Now there is going to be changes, so listen my dear. So you're famous, everyone knows your name, And you're a specialist by gum, in the transport game, You think you're so grand with your important job. But I'm telling you my dear you're a worn out old yob 363 days a year, You sit on your arse drinking scotch, rum and beer, You claim it is to keep up the shine on your nose So Santa can see where he bloodywell goes. One night a year is all that you work, You and your eight reisty mates - they're all jerks. Dasher and Dancer - Speed freaks I say, The sleigh wouldn't go that quick any other way. Prancer and Vixen - Just cheap little tarts, But they look like angels once Comet starts. Cupids on some freaked out damned power trip, And Donner...well, she should just get a damned grip And Blitzen, I almost don't need to say, Is here getting blitzed with you every day. All of these years at the front of the sled, Has gone, I'm afraid, to your crusty old head. You're a layabout and a drunkard, with a big shiny nose, And a weakness for elves in black pantyhose. I'm telling you husband that one Christmas song, Has made you think that you can do no wrong. So this year while your out with old Santa's sled, I am eloping, my dear, with your friend - Mr. Ed
wet pussy cat one day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy! The next day the day was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy! The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy. the moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the pussy! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes." 2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide." 3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?" 4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?" 5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!" 6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!" 7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
Photobucket I do not need A _ _ _ _ing man I’ll get one later If I can. I do not need A man at all I do not need one, Short or tall. Not in a house, Not in a van, I do not need A _ _ _ _ing man. Not on the couch Not in my bed I’d rather sleep Alone instead I do not need A _ _ _ _ing man I tried it once ~ He turned and ran I do not need One here or there I do not need One anywhere I do not need A_ _ _ _ing man There must be A better plan Not one at work Not one at play I do not need one Night or day I’ve said it once I’ve said it twice A world without them Could be nice Black men, white men, Men in blue I am through with All of you Even though they Make me drool I’m not a fan of The dating pool I would not could not Be a fool Even for the Biggest tool Now thanks to My new vibrator You _ _ _ _ing man I’ll see you later I’ll try my hardest Not to care Even if he stands There bare!! I do not need A _ _ _ _ing man That is where my Plight began
Photobucket A little white moth was flitting by my head as I went into the kitchen to fix myself some breakfast. Now I did not register the meaning of the moth's presence until, half way through eating a bland bowl if rice krispies, that I noticed there was something amiss. Sometimes rice krispies have little burnt brown pieces of puffed rice floating around with all the other normal pieces of puffed rice. While chewing on a good sized mouthful, I noticed that one of the pieces of rice had wings and was trying to crawl out of my bowl. After blowing a good portion of my milk sopped cereal out of my nose I gleefully drowned the bastard young moth, before turning away from the table to see where the demon spawned mother had fled to. As my eyes scanned the room I began to sweat, the room felt hotter than a cuisinart full of toads. Poison. The bastards probably filled each piece of puffed rice with some kind of biological toxin in the hopes that I would come down on this day and eat this cereal at precisely this moment so that they could carry out their plans to take over my home as a base of operations for the eventual destruction of every known type of boxed cereal in the world, which would eventually lead to the extinction of the entire human race. Oh yes, I had caught on to their little scheme but it may be too late for me. As I began to become dizzy I spotted the fat bloated mother moth taunting me from just inches away on a glass pane on the window over my kitchen sink. I steeled myself for action and swung a curled fist as hard and as fast as I could toward the beast, But I was slow. As my hand cracked through the shattering glass and was cut deeply by the window pane born fangs, the moth flew right at me and then around the back of my head. I tried to turn but to my horror, as I turned my head, the moth flew straight into my ear where all that I could hear was it's wings fluttering against my eardrum like an arrhythmic satanic cultists drums in the middle of a ritual sacrifice of mutilated goats. Then I lost all control as I could feel the vile moth burrowing it's way into my brain, seeking my brain as a means to control and enslave me just as those nasty bug things did to Chekov in Star Trek 2, The Wrath of Khan. So it is in these final moments of freedom that I write to you, before the moth attains full control of me, in order to warn you of the danger. If you see a pretty little moth, run, run as fast as you can and hope that you will never have to be subjected to what I am. Please for the love of God, run for your life. asdkacvnasvnasdjdsvjav..................... THaNk YoU Now He wAS LyINg MoThs aRe yOuR FriEndS. We MeAn YoU No HaRm. JuSt gO tO SLeeP.
Photobucket There was a place crash in Poland A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
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