Funny as Hell Blog by Timmy RL Fake and Chairman of the Bored
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I got this idea from Sweet Turtle, god bless her turtle heart :) Sing this to the tune of "The Little Drummer Boy". I call it, "The little fubar guy" OK? In the key of "M"....mmmmmmmm Said the newbie to the Twisted Fu Do you know what I heard? Read it on a bulletin, Twisted Fu Do you know what I heard? The bling, the bling, that he gave to me, Was because my NSFW pics are free. Was because my NSFW pics are free. Said the Twisted Fu to the Barfly Do you see what I see? In an unmarked folder, Barfly Do you see what I see? Some bewbs! Some bewbs! Nice as I have seen! And sheís showing them off for some bling, And sheís showing them off for some bling. Said the Barfly, to the Fu-gee Did you read what I read? In some stupid mumm, Fu-gee. Did you read what I read? Fubucks, Fubucks, man this really sucks! Sheíll open her NSFW for fubucks, Sheíll open her NSFW for fubucks. Said the Fu-gee to the mighty Fuking Would you help me out some? While youíre rating pics, mighty Fuking. Would you help me out some? Whasup? Whasup? Iím having trouble leveling up, Because god blessed me with A cups, Because god blessed me with A cups. Said the Fuking to the Oracle, Do you know what I know? About how you got your points, Oracle, Do you know what I know? You lied! You lied! Promised return rates and went to hide. Now Iím telling everyone in a blog, with pride! Now Iím telling everyone in a blog, with pride! Said the Oracle to the Lost Soul, Whatís your goal for next year? Are there other levels, Lost Soul? Whatís your goal for next year? ďNumber One! Number one! Iíll get there before Iím done! I just wonder what myspace people do for fun? I just wonder what myspace people do for fun!
When I was a kid I was so anxious for Christmas! I dreamed of all the toys I would get and for the weeks leading up to Christmas I laid in bed at night listening for Santa to be outside my window. Well, one night I heard voices coming from downstairs. I crept out of my bed and slowly down the steps until I could see the living room where my parents sat talking. My mom was crying, as she said there was very little food in the house. My dad was sad and angry, telling her that they had no money to pay the bills. They didn't know what they were going to do, or how we would have a Christmas. I might have only been 8 years old, but I knew just what I had to do! I sneaked back to my room and grabbed my piggy bank off the shelf. I had been saving all my change for years and had what I considered a great amount of money in it. I took all the money out and put it in a sack, then crept back down the stair. I could still hear my parents talking and it broke my heart, but as I said, I knew what I had to do with my savings. I grabbed a flashlight, went outside, and buried it so they couldn't get their mitts on it.
I saw the bell ringers are out today. I'll never forget one a few years ago. I put a dollar in the pot and the bell ringer grabbed my hand and got a strange look on her face. Her eyes looked black, lifeless, and then she rolled them back in her head until I saw only whites. Her lips did not move, yet I heard a voice say, "Under your pillow. You will find happiness under your pillow. You will sleep tonight and in the morning you will find it. Happiness...under your pillow." Well, I was in a rush and didn't give it a second thought, until I went to bed that night. I slept so peacefully, never stirring, and never waking until morning. I've never been so shocked as when I woke up! Because I lifted my pillow, and would you believe there was not a fucking thing under it? I still can't believe what a cool trick that old woman played on me. :D

Last weekend my nieces entered their turtles in the turtle race at the fair. They had had them as pets all summer and had been training them for the event. Photobucket Photobucket Both the girls turtles won their age divisions. That meant they would be running against each other in the final for the grand championship. Well, the came in first and second! Why? Because the other two turtle champs decided to copulate and never left the starting line. Photobucket Emma, who is seven remarked, "Uncle Tim, those other two turtles never even tried!" Maybe they tried too hard, Emma.

Got this one recently... Dear Timmy, I have a date this Friday. I'd like to know the proper etiquette for taking a girl to White Castle. signed Special Ed OK Ed, grab a crayon and jot this down - First, you know those delicious tiny burgers are covered in onions. Ask them to hold the onions. They won't, but that gives your date the impression you're a take charge kinda guy. Next, try to pick a table that has been wiped recently, say sometime this week. And finally, it might be a good idea to stuff a sock in your shorts because you'll want to impress her at least once that evening.
This is something i wrote for a newspaper a few years ago... My Darling Lois, It seems so long since weíve been together, since I could smell your perfume, since Iíve seen your radiance. But I realize thatís how life is sometimes. We can survive this, because our love is stronger than any circumstance that might be front us. Weíve been through so much together, but that has only made our love stronger. I remember our first date at the Homecoming Dance our junior year. Your baby sitter was late and my beer got warm, but it did not seem to matter. I was spellbound. Your daddy said, ďAny woman that keeps a man Ďa waitiní like that deserves both fists, one on each side of the face.Ē But to me, one was plenty. I know he still thinks of me as a wimp. And I remember our first fight, on our way home the same night. I can admit to you now, I was really scared that you would never speak to me again. I remember looking at your sweet face and praying to God that you would say something to me. But, after you started breathing again and woke up in the back seat, you thanked me and I knew it was love. Later, I worked up the nerve to tell my friends that I was in love with you, and that I thought you loved me. They all laughed and said I was jumping to conclusionsÖlike the time I caught you, Bob, Ray, and Pete, naked down by the creek. Well, ok, I couldnít really see much of you at the time, but I recognized your moan. Well, sweetheart, maybe I do rush into things too fast. But can you blame me when you were the prize? Sure, our marriage started out rocky. I guess they all do. A couple needs time to find an agreeable resolution to those subtle differences that define us as human. You and I are only human, after allÖ no mater what that smart-alecky doctor at the university says. If scientists knew that much about chromosomes, they would have found a cure for small pox by now. Sure, we had our differences Ė I liked my toast light and you liked it dark. You liked making passionate love in the backseat of a car outside a honky-tonk, and meÖI like to be there when you did. But we worked through all of that. I donít know if I ever told you how proud I was to walk by your side. Maybe because you were so lady-like and classy. I never heard you belch in public without asking to be excused. And I was proud of the fact that you refused to be just a mother and a housewife. Iíll admit, you didnít have to yell it in church, and at the dinner table on holidays, and when you were in labor, but I love a woman who is an individual. And so you took on a part-time job, in the evenings. I want to apologize once again for jumping to conclusions when I followed you to that bar and found you sitting on that cowboyís lap. I feel like such a jealous fool. But once you explained to me that you were waitressing, and that he had spilled a beer in his lap, and that you were cleaning it up, and that jeans are very absorbent, and that this kind of service was expected to get a big tip, well, this jealous fool was humbled and saw the error of his ways. Had I only put two and two together, and saw your jeans were a little moist, and realized that some folks do like to be served in the back room with the lights out, I might have saved myself the embarrassment. No, I donít deserve your forgiveness, but I do ask. After all, you were not without your petty jealousies. Remember the time you insisted I cut the apron strings between me and my mother? But heck, you were right. Just because she was widowed, jobless, and suffered from schizophrenia, that doesnít mean we have to drive seven miles once a month to spend a half hour with her. After all, thatís what the nurses are for, and yes, that is six hours and nearly eighty-four miles a year. But you were so tolerant, and even used your time there to help that orderly clean the broom closet. But thatís you all over. Yes, over the years you helped me become the man I am. And Iíve repaid you as best I could. Sometimes, itís been a peck on the cheek as you lay sleeping. Sometimes, itís been something as simple as the cash you asked for. But believe me darling Iíve never stopped thinking of you. And I know that this restraining order is just another in a series of big misunderstandings that always seem to befuddle us. I know that it will take more than the law, a rich boyfriend, and 1000 yards of lateral distance to keep us apart. Maybe this letter will touch you. Maybe you will read it and hold it once again close to your bosoms, or maybe Iíll look though the scope of my rifle again, at 8:33, when you get the mail each morning and see you light it on fire with a match like all the others. But Iíll always be here for you. Well, I have to go now. The old woman who owns these hedges seems to have nothing better to do than to trim them every day. And I have to go plug my ankle bracelet back into the phone line before someone figures out that my friend Carl isnít with the phone company and has to connect the lines back together. My parole officer is such a stickler for rules! And I have to watch Dr. Phil, as he has promised a show today that will touch everyone. Your loving Ed
I have a golf buddy who is doesn't do it on purpose, but is funny as hell! We were playing a course a few hours away once and I was to call him at 4 AM to wake him up, since we were leaving his house at 4:30. I couldn't wait to do so because I had a gag in mind. I called, it rang several times and he answered in a weak voice. I replied in a French accent, "Monsieur Randy?" "uh...yeah" "un moment si vous s'il vous plaÓt" Then in my own voice I said, "Is he there, Pierre? Well give me the phone then. Hey Randy, it's Timmy. Are you up?" "yeah, thanks" and click. I was at Randy's house at 4:30 and he never mentioned the joke. In fact I forgot all about it until about 8 PM that night. It was a long, hot day and we had already played 35 holes. We also drank a lot of beer. I mean like...a lot! On the last hole of the day, Randy hit a nice drive and a great second shot to place himself just 3 feet from birdie. He missed the putt, gritted his teeth and we all listened for a rant that we knew would be a classic, and it was. "God damnit! I can't hardly see for the sweat in my eyes, I'm sunburned, tired, Timmy has a damned Chinese houseboy, and I knew that putt was going to break more than I played it"
Every once in a while I've had enough and just need to scream, even if no one else agrees or listens. So please don't take offense - I'm just getting some things off my chest. I want... - Tom Cruise and Al Gore set in orbit in a capsule to ward off hostile aliens looking for planets with intelligent life. - Network "Reality" TV shows to come with a disclaimer - "The following program will insult the intelligence of anyone over 10 years old. Be advised, the next hour contains only about 5 minutes of original material, the rest of the time being filled with teasers, replays, and commentary on the aforementioned." - Prior to the late 20th century there were only three recorded instances of persons with multiple personalities. Now every psychologist knows a few. Let's work on that one! - I want people to be held accountable for their own self! That's your one responsibility, from now on! Your kid breaks a window and you fix it, you get sick eating something you shouldn't, then you are a dumbass, plain and simple. - Finally, I have two circles I keep track of - my circle of concern and my circle of influence. I try not to worry about things I can't control, but I am constantly fighting to keep people from putting THEIR crap in my circles. Please keep your hands off my stuff!
Motherís day in Porters Falls is rather unique, as I guess most holidays there are. You can't make this stuff up! This is un-embellished. You need to imagine my mom as Edith Bunker, and dad, maybe Tim Wilson. My sister and her husband where there also, as we were watching the Playerís Championship. My sister: They have the toaster that I want at Walmart. How about we stop and get it on the way home? My brother-in-law: We're not getting a four-slice model. You cook one slice and the three empty chambers sit there wasting electricity. Tim: Is he serious? Dad: Turn the TV up please. Mom: Oh! I remember when we got electricity. Your Aunt Jane was a baby and she used to stare up at the light bulb on the ceiling, like she was entertained. Tim: That was from exposure to lead paint. Mom: Oh, but electricity was a real treat for us! And then, as soon as we got electricity, you know what we got next? Tim: Electrocuted? Mom: No, we got a toaster! We were tickled to death! Tim: Again, ...lead paint. Dad: I can't hear the TV Mom: We never dreamed of a TV back then, in the 50's. Dad: You couldn't have heard it anyway.
Jason sat down at the base of an old oak tree in the middle of the woods to have a snack, far away from the small village in which he lived, but not far enough to out run his troubles. He wanted nothing in the world more than to play football and yet this season had been a disappointment. The team had lost their first two games and he could already sense his community support dwindling. As he sat eating he recalled fumbles and penalties until finally he yelled in frustration,"Why!!?" Just then, an acorn hit him in the side of his face. He looked to see a squirrel, not 10 yards from him holding another acorn and giggling. As he reached for his shot gun, the squirrel spoke saying, "If you do not shoot me I will grant you the ability to throw the ball farther and with more accuracy than anyone alive! And you will be able to run faster than anyone else on the field with you." Jason was amused and befuddled, but kept eating. The more he ate the more the squirrels words made sense. The following Friday night, Jason was amazed with his new abilities and the next morning he took his teammates to the same oak tree where they all feasted on the same mushrooms. In their next game Jason threw another pass that he watched travel 90 yards in the air. Maybe that is not the best choice for the team's punter because it counts as an incomplete pass and gives the other team the ball in great field position, and everyone in the stands saw the ball go only 10 yards, but to Jason the boos sounded more like, "Oooo!" The team went 0-10 that season, but they came in 2nd in the Tri-County Art Competition, which they had never done before.
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