Today my heart was quiet.
I stood there at the same site that I stood 6 months ago. When my daddy was buried.
Today I stood there, not in grief for myself. But in support of another.
Today I held hands and rubbed backs and kissed necks.
And my heart was quiet.
The wind kicks up high there. Almost fierce.
A million undead kisses finding a place to land.
A trillion unhugged huggs flittering about looking for the right person to embrace.
I sat Cameron aged 6 up on a rocky wall.
"Auntie Lollie... Im so sleepy"
"I know baby. Lean here against me."
And as he placed his head against my breast my arm circled his small body and I hugged him to me. My fingers playing with his hair. I placed kisses on his forehead every so often.
"I love you Auntie Lollie"
"And I you my Cam man."
My eyes searched the sea of grievers and I caught sight of the Burgundy curls of my oldest friend. Firmly encased in the arms of her family.
It was her son I held so close.
My heart was quiet.
Peaceful and quiet. I watched her mourn.
The soldier in the front issued an order and the guns were raised.
I placed my hand over Camerons ear. And curled my body around his.
*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
They rang on.
With each shot I flinched.
I was just sitting in the same chair that my friend now resides. Sobbing over the loss of my Pappa Bear. My daddy.
It feels like a blink ago.
Only a mere minute.
The wind licked at my dress. It kicked it up my thighs and I smile and pushed it back down again.
"Lord Cameron. Aunties dress seems to be too short for this wind."
He smiled up at me.
My hair lifted off of my shoulders and swirled around Camerons face and neck.
I hear a giggle from deep within my tangles.
I softly whisper "My hair loves you too"
"It's keeping me warm" his small voice mumbles.
I smile.
We leave the site and caravan up to the watching point. From here we can watch him be buried.
A tall white flagpole marks the spot.
Always at half mast.
We are parked and Cam man in chilly. So he stays in the van, where it is warm.
Melanie reaches to me. I hold her arm and walk her up to the vantage point. There will be a song sung now and as I clench her arm to me...My dress flies up.
I hold it down and snicker. I am sure at least one person saw my cobalt blue satin panties.
I lean into Melanie and whisper "This dress was not a wise choice."
"You are beautiful." And she huggs my arm to her chest.
"Well..." I smile "That is not the issue. My dress is too short for this hellacious wind and I think I flashed my panties."
She laughs. I watch her throat work as she does. This is good to see.
Heads turn and stare.
I smile and laugh a bit louder.
We take a seat and on the way I see a baby being cuddled. I stop and I coo and I squeak at him. He smiles and kicks his chubby legs. Working them so fast and reaching for my hair with his clenched fist.
I coo and laugh and let him have a small taste before I sit beside my friend.
Our arms are entwined. And our heads touch.
As the song begins I turn and watch her.
She blinks back tears and gulps back whimpers. I whisper many things. Many things. As she cries.
My eyes stray to where my father lies for a moment. And then they land on her again.
The wind kicks up and pulls her hair back. I watch her earrings swing and her hair fight at the wind.
I watch the little hairs that lie along her neck, move in the wind.
I rub at her hand. I mumer against her shoulder.
She blinks back tears and I whisper "Let them fall..."
We watch the burial and afterwards we head to where my father lies. Here we are alone and I unclench my skirt.
It lifts and blows and swirls in the wind.
I walk along the row of headstones. My eyes counting ahead.
I stop before him. "Hi daddy"
I stand there and remember him. For a moment it is still. And then my thighs feel the warm air as my dress is lifted again.
Melanie smiles at me. "Nice panties"
"Gee thanks" I smile back.
In the car we slowly drive. Through the gates and onto the road.
A song comes on the radio and I meet her eyes in the mirror. We smile and our heads nod.
Life moves.
