I wrote her this letter, not sure why. and not sure why I want to share it here of all places:
Dear Dawn,
As I write, I combat an all too familiar form of melancholy, compounded by frustration, and smothered by genuine uncertainty. The backdrop to this scene is one in which I sit at the PC, with a perpetual frown, and the occasional tear that leaches freedom and streams to a fate at my chin. I am in sweatpants, and at a further glimpse I might appear comfortable. As you might imagine, i am not. The thoughts of hunger and sleeplessness compete for attention, but I am not inclined to indulge either, strangely--but normal--or so I've heard. Everyone I've talked to said not to write you. Then again, much like the 3 day rule, I feel like being heard; Though, I myself don't think it will resolve anything.
It makes no sense. In the stroke of one breath, you told me that you loved me. in an exhale, you told me that I parallel your ex, and this dissolves our compatibility. I have been dumped for Exs plenty of times, but not like this. It is unfathomable, it is tragic, and it is the act set upon a stage scripted by fear. I am not ashamed to tell you, how saddened I am by this decision. But: the tragedy lies in the termination of our moments. I have to tell you.
Everything from boardwalk to beach, from bed to smoke filled celebrations of life--where through the haze I saw an inspiration that transcended time and space, is the platform from which I speak. Thusly, every instant of your company and your voice was as frightfully captivating as it was hopeful. I stand before you wounded by a blind-siding wreck, or to say, I never saw this coming. It was perfect, it was what I was waiting for, it was satisfying, it was beautiful and elegant, and it appeared symmetrical (the symmetry I speak of, is the enjoyment you seemed to feel). Simply put, nobody in many years was as sweet to me as you were. Its crazy when you consider the time frame we had, but its true. Nobody was.
I told you that I had a poem brewing about you. I really did. It is with a great irony that I cast it here, at the end:
Ironic Repetitions
The Fall
Surely, it does descend
like a blanket covering the light
and punctured so that points emerge.
The Journey
Surely, through the adjustment
of the eyes, paths are lit however faint,
and forward strides are taken--stepping on thorns, and banging shins.
Illumination
Surely, Dawn will come
to warm the footstep's careless tread
and light will clarify the course.
The Fall
Surely, it does descend;
this blanket fretted with speckled fire
and the feet will trip again.
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What is the point of all this? beyond the fact that I am empowering you with the knowledge that I feel destroyed?
Dawn, I think my heart is broken. I think that sleeplessness, and ignorable hunger own me for the moment. I think that forgoing my exercise is more gratifying than any progress it gives me. enough, about that, because it is not my intention to guilt you.
Moreover, the point of this all, I come to at last, is that you did not give me a chance. It was not fair. It was not a proper assessment. Ask yourself, the words "I love you:" are they merely uttered as a test, of the inside and outside reaction? From this vantage, I think those words are nullified, one aspect of this tragedy. God laughs at our plans because we do not stick to them. Your plan was to get to know me. 2 weeks of exclusive--but blissful--dating is not a trial, it is a beginning. Whatever you think you see that resembles your previous disappointment....well...that's bullshit. I am my own person. I am alive because I feed myself. I benefit the people around me. I bring my own brand of generosity, insight, and love. I am in no way shape or form even remotely capable of being like your ex. The things you described and went through, would just never happen. I know this so certainly, and thusly, you are making a terrible mistake to compare me to that. You did not give it a fair shot, it is simply impossible that you could have. look at your own eyes in this picture,
p.
They betray how comfortable you were with me. It is simply unbelievable to me, that you would throw that away. As you might imagine, between losing that, and losing my job in the same day, I am suffering an amazing blow. I do what it takes to better myself, to move forward. Right now, I don't even know what that is.
Well Dawn, its already 1.5 hours since I started writing, and here is the wrap up. I guess i have to let you go. You seemed finite and clear about your decision. You seemed unscathed by it. You even seemed relieved by it, and I suppose you don't care, and I suppose I am indulging in my sadness and disappointment. I don't understand it, but I suppose I have to weather it. I'm letting you go. I have deleted you from AIM, from myspace, and my phone. I remember your phone number, but I will make my best effort not to call you. If I do, just understand its because I care for you so deeply that I can not resolve all of this. Please try to understand.
If any part of you regrets this choice, call me. Its not too late. The mind is dynamic, fears are overwhelming, and I understand. Its not too late. I miss you terribly, and I want to work this out. I had to write to tell you. I want to work this out. I want to continue with you in my life. I love you Dawn.
You said that there is nothing you can say to make me feel better, if that holds true, don't respond to me. I am letting you go, ok? don't write back, don't explain anything. just know that I will miss you for a long time. a long, long time.
Well, goodbye sweet love. Goodbye Heart. Don't know where I'm going, but I guess I'll be ok,
~Kenny
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I'm all sorts of sappy, probably not what you expect from my persona here, but I bleed too.
