bacardicoke's blog: "Fucked Up"

So other than the 35 days in May that I was losing my mind and begged him not to contact me... We haven't gone more than a week without seeing each other. I can't help it... I love him like I never have loved anyone. I am a better person when he is in my life, whatever the circumstance. 

I'm not going to let this get too serious too fast though. Although, he is already questioning me if I don't answer or call back. I think that is kind of funny. :) 

So we will just have to see where this goes..... I won't give up any dates or anything. And I won't let myself get too wrapped up in his world. I have to maintain my own separate life for a while. 

I can't believe it has been 6 months, 24 days. Yikes.... 

I am feeling much better. I am no longer doing the daily toxic activities I was doing. I know it is a daily (sometimes hourly) goal to reach, much like a recovering alcoholic or drug addict. I do not need to know what he is doing because I am honestly realizing it doesn't matter....

I have been in the anger phase before of course... it is actually easier than the sad phase. I am using my writing to act out the horrific things my mind conjures up. I would never hurt someone physically but I have been known to lash out in other ways. Thats not healthy either. So I want to hold fast to the attitude/idea that living a great life is the ultimate vengeance. (Sometimes I feel as though I am not living up to my promise to him though... how nuts is that? Because I told him I would love him unconditionally forever. However, I didn't say I would be miserable forever, right?) 

And someday those writings will be in print for the whole world to see. THAT will be the most satisfying day in my life, I am sure. A girl has to have goals, doesn't she? LOL

Ok so I have to admit, I feel better today than I have in a long time. Is it knowing my family is there for me no matter what? Perhaps tha my friends have really come through for me? Maybe its that Ihaven't communicated with the fucking PUKE in 7 days today (first time ever)? Or maybe its buying the Mac? LOL

Another qupte I love ut have no idea who worote this one

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option

Words to live by.....

This is where I get to write anything I want? Love that!

Ok- so today is NOT a good day. Yesterday wasn't so great either. I am intelligent enough to know that this is situational depression/anxiety. Maybe intelligence doesn't have anything to do with it. Probably more like experienced enough to know.

Doctor wants me on drugs... not the good kind mind you. No narcotics to actualy give me a boost, some energy, something to make me WANT to get out of bed! Noooo.... she wants me to take the crap that makes me calm. Yes, it does stop my heart from racing but sometimes it makes me just not give a flying rats ass about anything.

What is so difficult about being honest? BTW- I am a quote maniac and this is MINE (don't steal it uness you give me props)

     "Each persons reality is merely their perception but perception is             much clearer when the TRUTH is known."

I understand holding something back if you might crush someone with the truth. But people, there are ways to get your point across without devastating someone. Take a class! Learn some manners, articulation, something. OR, heres an idea.... shut the FUCK up all together.

I suppose I have rambled enough for one moment. Back to my misery.