How does one forget a time so happy and wonderful, that the dreams of my remaining future life, this one time, would come true? I let my guard down this once because I really felt he was different. I thought I could see his soul as he would look at me, it was a beautiful and warm place to live in those good times. Did I ruin this or did he? Each of us have reasons but what really happened?
In my past, I never allowed myself to completely let go of my feelings and give my heart and soul to another, not ever. But, rethinking this statement, I guess I would give enough that a piece of my heart would disappear.
I learned that I am too trusting, have been this way all my life. I am also too sensitive and forgiving, always thinking the best of people and not wanting to believe that they are taking advantage of me. Or do I just have a high tolerance for pain. But each time I always did loose a little trust, become harder and harder, and better at concealing my true feelings. I knew deep in my soul that the world would eat me alive, take everything from me and leave me with nothing but a hollow shell.
So, some time ago I began to build up walls to my fortress except this one time. I always lived through the hurt because I never let anyone completely through the walls, but of course this could be the reason my past relationships eventually failed.
These pasts only live in the pictures I have been able to save over the years. Forgetting came with a little passing time, as I would have my work, or would find another, quickly, so as to not be alone, I hate this alone, always have hated this being alone. But if I have someone by my side and I only know he is there to keep me from this alone, I would survive in this cruel unforgiving world.
Some time ago I promised myself, I will trust only once, my heart and soul to someone in my life. I thought I had found this one.
I have now given everything to someone, that beautiful soul I thought he had, would and will catch anyone, and he caught me. I thought foolishly, I had caught his "love" forever.
Now as I pass from sanity and insanity, paranoia and uncertainty in everyday life; it is like not being sure of our ground, not knowing quite what I have asked for or what I am getting into.
Nobody is going to save me, everything is left purely to the individual, the commitment to who we are.
I ask myself everyday, should I try to forget him or should I do everything in my power to remember him. This is a very troubling position to be in because of the pain that comes with remembering as well as the joyful moments.
