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David's blog: "Forced Perversion"

created on 12/17/2006  |  http://fubar.com/forced-perversion/b35169
Monday, November 06, 2006 Current mood: sore I KNOW everyone is interested in how my first colonoscopy went - and before you ask, yes I do have pics and will be posting them here soon for your viewing pleasure. How can I summarize this......no problems found - other than known problems. The shot they gave me was so good, I don't think I would have cared who was back there or what they did. This kinda scares me a little... ;) However, I think I shall die before I ever again take ANY med designed to "clean me out:". The first drug Doctor Jellyfinger prescribed was some kind of mix that even made the nurse sick just talking about it. I went to the pharmacy and got the crap (no pun intended) but upon reading, smelling and seeing this stuff, death didn't seem so bad. AND you have to drink FOUR litres of it - in like 2 seconds or you will crap your pants before you can put it down. After much careful consideration, I decided to pass (no pun intended) on this drug. I still have it if anyone would like it. So, I call the docs office, say "you know, I'm just not stupid enough to do this, so CANCEL me - I ain't coming". To which she replied "Oh, you don't have to drink that horrible stuff, they have pills that are just as good and easy to take". I don't know why I didn't ask the reason they didn't tell me this in the first damn place. Pills I can take. LOTS of experience there. They save it just in case you don't fall for drinking the 4 litres of cat spew. Buttheads. So, back to the pharmacy, another $30 and I have the pills. 32 of them, and of some concern - they are quite large -about the size of a cell phone. Of interest, you take 4 every 15 minutes until you have taken 20 - the night before. 20 pills? 4 every 15 minutes - ?? Oh, and AT LEAST 8 OZ of water with each..... I smell a rat. Then at 7 AM you take 4 every 15 minutes until you have taken the remaining 12 - drink MORE liquid and then nothing after 9 AM. I should have known better - after the first 4, my life was over as I knew it. You can't get to the crapper fast enough. Wear old clothes, put a plastic liner on your bed and on the floor - all the way to the bathroom. Or just move your bed into the bathroom. I admitted defeat and just slept on the toliet. And in 46 years, I have NEVER seen, heard or read about ANYTHING like what this stuff does to you. The label says "NAPHOS" - and I am positive this means it's from the NAPALM family of chemicals. It will BURN YOUR ASS OFF! And not in a little, "man I gotta find a bathroom" way - I'm talking your pants will EXPLODE out of their own pockets as fire the likes of which you might have imagined would exist inside an atomic blast dance upon you. You have to hold one butt cheek up or the back pressure will crack the toliet bowl (unless you are in jail with a stainless steel potty - I'm told they only bend and deform). This all from just the first 4 tablets - 28 more to go! The doctors office called about 9 and wondered if I would like to come in sooner. Sure I would - but my range is limited to about 13 feet - MAX away from the john. It's now about 24 hours since I took the first pills and I still suffer it's effects. After the test, you are wheeled away to recovery where they INSIST that you fart, and fart LOUDLY. Big burly women come and push on your belly - HARD - and actually threaten you. "If you don't start farting, we'll put a tube up your butt!". That threat was too little too late to scare me. I had already been deflowered by the stainless steel stallion - from Nikon. I pointed my finger at passing nurses and pretended to shoot them complete with LOUD FART sounds. All in all, this was both one of the best and one of the worst days of my life. One of the best because I don't have to do it again - one of the worst because.....well...all of the above. Back to the pony tail - I am getting in the habit of just leaving it that way. I put on my cap, my shades and if I don't look good (and I don't, apparently) I do look different. At least I did in the waiting room where I refused to remove either cap or shades.....Non-stop crapping makes me grouchy. I received a fair number of double and triple takes from others in the waiting room - I assumed because of the tail, the hat, the shades. Was I hiding my identity, maybe a freaky band dude, a newscaster in disguise? What? Now I think that was not the case. I think they were all about to or had already crapped their pants. They were just looking to see if I had noticed.

Delicious Ambiguity

Gilda Radner: "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."
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