DemisisPlus Size Pinup Girl's blog: "for your bleeding eyes"

On the surface she was placid. A tall rising tower upon which everyone broke against. Porcelain was her face, streaked with crimson emotion. Chaos lapped at her feet, the endless torrent of black cresting waves. "When does it all end?" she whispered into the dark night. Bound by promises that time will never keep....she waits. Lurid waters rise around her, leaching into her flesh. Tainted. Broken. Bitter roots run deep. Gnarled thorns twist around faithless innocence. Painful memories of misshapen dreams flash behind her heavy lids as she slips. Flailing in the empty sea, into the great below. "For what is tomorrow...when forever is gone...."

I feel so lost. Lost and alone. Empty with thought. My mind dancing on the soul of my dreams. The world has become so desolate for me. I just can't see the light anymore. A bright light at the end of the cold tunnel. I think life has swallowed my salvation whole. Snuffed out the lights, leaving only the slow hypnotic sway of the grey smoke. I have tried in vain to pick up the pieces, glued them back together in a colorful mosaic of shiny red glass. It just doesn't fit anywhere anymore. Detached from all purpose it has no meaning. I feel betrayed by hope for giving me reason to believe. I'm just a puddle in the grand scheme of things, a shallow wet spot to lie in. What is left but shadows and unspoken words dripping off my lips into the silence.

Its a lazy old Sunday and I am kicked back in the recliner. The air is quiet and still and I am alone. To some perhaps that sounds a day to die for, but I grow tired of the dreary silence. In days of past I would be by now considered a spinster. The woman nobody wanted, the girl always overseen. Forever I am destined to face the world single handed. I have dated, sat across a dozen sea of faces wondering what I was doing. Looking in their eyes...seeing them plot...how do i get into her pants...UGH. I think this is how we all end up alone. So sick of being seen as nothing, that we all just eventually give up and fade away. I'm fading...fast...

What is it that makes us need, want, desire? Is it just a chemical reaction in the brain, or a shifting of hormones, the twitch of pleasure underneath the skin. It is our biggest downfall as humans, that which melts us together and tears us apart. Our need for flesh, our blood lust. Just the scent of the opposite sex and we are weak with desire. Our bodies sigh "please touch me!" and your minds scream "NO" The ever raging battle of angel vs devil. Who will you listen to? I know for me that my sexual peak is rearing its ugly head. My mind is so innocent and my body is such a slut. It seems to need more than my mind does. As I fight the urges, the needs, the desires. Im tingling from within, ravenous for flesh. That rush of lust as it is unfurled. Theres so much to be said for lust. Such a powerfull emotion. It clouds all your senses until all you feel is pleasure. Touch me please....touch me!

What is it to stare your own mortality in the face? To look down the long corridor of life and be able to make out the thick black door at the end. I sit here alone tonight, contemplating mm own demise. I look the picture of health don't i? Pretty pink cheeks and glistening eyes. You don't see it do you? The festering black hate that is burning within me. The silent killer. Cancer. Betrayed by my own body. I was 24 when i was first diagnosed. It was a long, hard three year battle out, but i made it out alive. Now...four and a half years later it has reared its ugly head again. Its worse this time. Its slimy tentacles spreading deeper and faster. I stand on my battlefield...my duel with death. I walk ten paces ahead, turn, draw, and shoot.......slow motion.....who will fall first.....

As life winds down slow, I find myself reflecting. A greater purpose in all of this. Why am I here? It is no shock or surprise to anyone that I have battled my whole life with depression. The peaks and valleys of a tormented mind cannot be understood by anyone other than the tormented soul herself. There were many days I stood in front of the mirror and tried in desperation to recognize the reflection. I have always shown the world one side, and kept the other to myself. In my mind I live for noone. The greatest secret I have ever kept...was myself. I have lived and been touched by things some people are lucky enough to never have experienced. I have had life given and taken from me, abused, molested, raped, beaten, abducted, tormented and a few other things that I will take to my grave with me. I have been loved, lost, used, cheated on, left and abandon. Through it all my heart has broken a million times, ground so deep into the dirt that I had no will left to even breathe. I open up to very few, I don't blab my tales of pain, they are scars that I keep hidden beneath my sleeves. Somehow though, I always find a way to stand back up, to face it all again. Am I masochistic? I don't know anymore. All I know is that standing in the mirror the other day...I knew the woman who stared back at me. Am I crazy to still want it all? That small aching part of me that holds on to romantic hope that love has not all but died? To feel arms wrapped around me and know my other half does in fact live. The one to make life whole and a heart complete. That longing to believe....that person was me....

The days have become hard. Much of my independence before life with man has returned. Days wade in and out like the lapping of waves to the shore. How quickly my first two months has passed. Some nights I lie in bed, cold, empty, alone and it feels like it has been forever since he laid here beside me. How quickly life is altered and how quickly the winds of change shift. With it all, I myself am changing too. Once a blooming rose, but with each heartache a petal has been removed. One by one they have all fallen, until there was nothing left of me at all. I lived most of my life as the girl with her walls built high, now after all is said and done...I am the wall. Impenetrable. Some of us are born for greatness and sadly some of us are not. I think what I was born for was pain. It has taken all that was my life and swallowed it whole I really feel that i as a person, just truly am no more. I have grown so cold, uncaring, and lifeless. I live now for one thing, for one goal. I vow to never let my Madelyn ever know life as I have. I know I don't have control over her destiny...or how life will shift her but I still like to think I could try. In all my years of pain, in all my suffering and heartache, she has been the only thing that made me feel like I had a purpose. The only person who can with a smile undo all the chains in my heart.

It is cold, and the greying sky has washed out even the faintest light of stars from my life. It all has no meaning anymore, nor do I. There is nothing left of me. I have broken apart into a million tiny shards. Inside, there is vacancy, a great hollow emptiness that it seems can never be filled. Has it all till now been only but a dream? I thought once that I had them. Dreams of a life that had substance, importance and bliss. All I have now is the hope to make it through today. What I was is no more. I am dead inside, thorns twirl around my heart and bleed it dry. I dont want anything of love, nor hate, nor happiness or sadness....I just am....an empty shell. I wander through this meaningless existence, my name is mother, mom, mommy and it is all I shall ever be. Erased from the chalkboard and blown away with the dust.

So here it is, on the other side of an eternity. My life has been packed away into brown cardboard boxes, placed neatly on shelves and lined up in closets. Here I am on the other side of tomorrow. I survived with my feet still firmly planted on the ground. I won't say that my heart didnt break into a thousand pieces when he left...because it did. I sat in the doorway of my new place and watched as he turned to me for he last time and waved goodbye. Those last moments, the last kiss, the last embrace, it was just an emotional week and as he stood there it came to a pinnacle. It was done. The life that I had so long fought for was over. Now its just the two of us. I am just another sad statistic. One of the billions of single moms who wasted years of her life on a man who promised her the stars and brought her tears. My place is cozy and quaint. Everything is set up to my liking and nobody elses. It does feel like home, I will say that. The lonlieness i feel though is overpowering. It suffocates me in ways I cannot explain. My bed instead of a sanctuary has become my coffin. Its so hard to lie down knowing comforting arms will never await me again. I don't sleep. I stare off into the darkness and wonder, when will it all go away. I am frustrated beyond belief with this life. They say the strong never fall and are tried the most...well I am so DONE being tried, measured, tested and weighed!! What must a woman do to be seen? What must she do to be heard? What must she do to have but ONE person see her?! I'm here....hello? "Ay me, sad hours seem long"