** I wrote this blog to go on my myspace page but thought that perhaps it may explain something or other to one or two people on here as well . . . I want nothing from any of you who read this, no sympathy, no advice, nothing . . . Just wanted to clear my mind and share with my friends **
Ok this is what is going on right now in my mind, many of you have asked why I am so depressed lately . . . Here journey with me into my hell for a bit. Take a look at what has been running through my fucked up head for the past few days and see if you can make sense of it, see if it would mess you up a little bit.
First of all I completely forgot about Father’s Day until yesterday and then it came crushing down upon me. God I hate the fact that it is a day just to remind me that my father is long gone and that my son has a worthless father. Gee, it’s so nice to sit and think about really . . . Not had my own dad in 21 years and I couldn’t manage to stay with my sons dad to allow him one. So, therefore he now has no dad really either . . . Do I blame myself for his lack fo a father . . . In some ways but no not really. I am not ashamed of the fact that I left him 12 years ago because we were young and didn’t need to be together . . . I didn’t want to live my life in misery. I have always figured that if I would have stayed with John and been miserable for so long that the boy would have suffered as well. I am not sorry for that choice. I am sorry that it had to be that way . . . I am sorry that I made the choice and that John couldn’t be a man and step up as a father without me there pushing him. I am sorry that I refuse to push him into a relationship with his son . . . Most of all I am sorry that my son suffers due to this . . . But it is not my fault I know that. Yet, as a mother I feel responsible no matter how rationally I can think about the subject because my child’s life and happiness are my responsibilities and yes there are days I feel like a failure just as every other mother, especially us single mothers.
Then there is the fact that I am just in a mode of self pity about being alone right now. I can’t help it, I am seeing everyone around me finding love and happiness and yet I am still alone. I am getting lonely as I get older and I just can’t help it. I never wanted anyone around for so many years and now that I do I can’t find anyone. Isn’t that just ironic as can be?! All of those years I had men that wanted to be with me and I didn’t want to be with them . . . And now that the tables have turned I feel horrible. So what exactly has brought this on so much lately? As I said the fact that everyone around me is happy and I not.
It’s just really bad timing for everything in life right now. My wonderful friend that I care for deeply has just found someone that makes her happy after so many years of not being happy and as ecstatic as I am for her it’s just a reminder of my situation. She now has this man who loves her and tells her how wonderful she is and beautiful she is and how much he wants to be with her . . . I have been telling her for years that is what she deserves . . . And now she has it. So of course I am stuck wondering why I can’t find that . . . I talked to her about it today and we both know it is because first of all that I can’t seem to let people close to me. I’ve made so much progress with opening up to people and now I am just stuck where I am, I can’t get any further. I can’t let people close to me so therefore I will never find happiness until I can.
The question then becomes why can’t I let people get close to me? Yeah I know that part of it is being afraid that I will lose them. It stems back to my childhood and losing my father I admit that much - his suicide fucked me up more than I will ever realize. I am sure there will be more ways that I find in the future yet.
Oh my god every time I get close to finding that one person that I actually find myself wanting to let in that person fucking disappears too. A year ago there was a guy who I thought I may have been able to open up to . . . Yeah he is now gone. A couple of months ago I lost the other guy. Now there is the guy that I have been talking about on here and I am pretty sure he is gone now too. What the hell ya know . . . It just fucking eats away at me, I can’t stop it. I can’t help it the thoughts just won’t fucking stop. I don’t want sympathy I don’t want pity I just want my mind to go back to how it was a few months ago. I want to go back to not wanting someone in my life, I want to go back to not wanting to be loved, I want to go back to not wanting to have someone.
God I just want the tears to stop. How can one person cry so much over something that is so fucking stupid? How can someone cry over something that they never had? How can someone desire something that was never theirs to begin with? How can a person be so upset and depressed over such a stupid thing? I can’t keep going on like this, I can’t keep allowing myself to feel this bullshit. I need to be numb again - I need to forget everything that I have learned in the past year or so and just return to the way that I was . . . I wasn’t happy no, but I wasn’t suffering either. I was content with where and how I was - but now I am just upset nonstop and have no idea how to make it better.
Ok, now that the tears have begun to flow again I need to stop typing since I can hardly see anything. Please I don’t want to hear that things will get better - I don’t care about that right now. Right now I just wanted to show the people who were concerned with my state of mind what is going on. I wrote this for the simple matter of trying to make others feel better about the way I have been acting. I apologize to any of you that I may have pissed off or upset in the past few days but quite frankly I am in my own mind and don’t know how to come out of it to try to make you feel better about yourself right now. I hope you can understand and if not then I hope you find someone who will treat you better than I did!
