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Okay here it is. I am Amanda Lorene Barnes. I am twenty three years old. I live in Marble Falls Texas. So if you want to hunt me down and kill me go ahead I could careless at this point in time of my life. I was born in the "wonderful" town of Burnet Texas but raised in Elberton Georgia. When I was five years old my mother married my step father. She told me everything was going to be alright that he was my new daddy and would take care of me and I trusted her knowing she would never put me in danger. Things went swell for a while, but he was a drunk and a drug addict. Sometimes he would spend his whole check on cocaine and alcohol. He would disappear for days at a time with no word. When I was at home I wasn't allowed to speak without being spoken to. I couldn't even use the bathroom without asking first. I was basically silent at home. So when I went to school I would talk a lot, and in doing so I would get into trouble for talking. So a note was always sent home. When that happened I would get my ass tore up and grounded to my room. Now most kids being grounded to their room meant just having to stay in their rooms. Not me. I had to sit in the middle of my room with my hands tucked under my thighs not moving at all. If I moved I would get whooped again. It was very hard growing up for me and when I discovered reading that is all I did. I read all the time. It was great pretending I was in another world and the things that hurt me in my world were make believe. I still got into trouble a lot at school for not paying attention, talking, or reading while the teachers were talking, but I already knew everything they were teaching. I didn't want to pay attention I just wanted to make my life disappear. Things escalated and my stepfather started grounding me from my books. I wasn't allowed to read at home because he knew I used it to escape. I started having to hide bruises on my back and legs and on my butt. I was ashamed and confused. Because he always told me I was horrible, stupid, and bad. So I thought I was bad. I thought what he was doing was right and what I was doing was wrong. He was always careful to make sure my bruises and welts were where no one would see them because the parts he hurt the most were covered by my clothes. Finally he decided enough was enough and stopped drinking and stopped doing drugs. He got clean and stayed that way. He stopped hitting me and yelling at me all the time. I thought everthing was going to be okay and we were going to be a happy family. But I was so wrong. I don't think I have ever been that wrong in my whole life. I was around 11 and my mom was working at a bank until around 5 or 6 in the evening. So I came home and most of the time got home before my stepdad. My sister at this time was still going to a babysitters until my mom got off work. Everyday I wished I was going to the babysitters still as well, but they thought I was mature and responsible enough to stay home for the short time until my stepfather came home. Things took a sudden turn when he started letting me watch TV with him after school. For the longest time my sister and I were only allowed 1 hour of TV a day. Unless it was a special occasion and we got to watch a movie. So I thought it was weird, but I was happy. I would watch Blossom with him. (an older tv show not many have heard of nowadays) Until he started changing the channel to playboy and started asking me weird questions like how I felt and what did the people on the TV make me feel. I didn't know how to answer so I just shrugged. I was scared, but I didn't know what to do. From there it escalated. I got sunburnt one time and he offered to rub Aloe Vera on my back and that is when the touching commenced. After each "session" as I call it was over I would go to my room and cry myself to sleep. I was scared to tell anyone because I knew they wouldn't believe me. My mother didn't believe half the stuff I told her anyways. So I kept my mouth shut. After that he would start making me go on cam for other men around the world and touch me in front of them. Which is why for the longest time I had a cam, but told everyone that I didn't have one. And is also part of the reason why I was so uncomfortable with my body. Nowadays I am more comfortable, but I still have my moments when I flash back. I remember when we were younger my sister would sometimes have nightmares and would come into my room and sleep and I would have her sleep on the outside so if he ever came in at night he might take her instead of me, but one day I realized I would take all the abuse if it saved her that trauma so when she would come in I would put her on the inside and curl around her to protect her. I didn't want her to have to go through what I had to go through. I thought I was protecting her, but now I wonder if I even had to try. He never hurt her it was always me. He would threaten me to keep me quiet and I believed him. I never told anyone until we came to Texas to visit my grandparents and my stepfather wasn't with us. It was one time in my life I felt free and relaxed, but I broke down one night crying and babbling. My grandmother took me to the lake where I told her everything. She then said. "Mandie I know what he did hurt you, but you have to tell your Mom. She needs to know." I didn't want to, but in the end I told her I would tell my mom. So we went back to her house where I told my mom. She was on the couch and I kneeled down in front of her laying my head in her lap crying and told her everything. She told me she believed me and everything was going to be alright. We didn't have to go back to Georgia. I was so happy. We were going to get enrolled in school and get an apartment and it would just be us three. Well one night in early August of 2004 her and my grandfather got into a hellacious fight over some bullshit and she said she couldn't stay. So she packed up her's and my sister's stuff and said she was going to go back to Georgia and get out stuff situated then she would come back and we would all get a place. I stayed here in Texas and watched her leave down the road knowing something was going to go wrong. And I wasn't wrong. A few weeks later I called my mom and my sister answered. So I talked to her for a few minutes then asked to talk to mom because I was still waiting for her to come back. She told me she was in bed. I assumed she was asleep in my sister's room, but my sister proceeded to tell me that she was in fact in bed with our stepfather. So I told her to wake her up. Which she did. My mom came onto the phone and I was crying. I said. "Mom...why are you sleeping with him? I thought you were coming back." and she said. "It's too complicated for you to understand." I told her "I understand just fine, just answer one question for me. If you had to choose right now would you choose me or him." She didn't even hesitate she told me. "If I had to choose right now I would choose him over you." That was the worst feeling I have ever had in my whole life. So if you are out there and plan on talking to me and getting to know me and then just turning around and tossing me aside like just about every other preson in my life think twice. Because I have been hurt by the people I hold closest to me. What you do to me will pale in comparison to what they have done. I'm tired of trying to pretend that my life is one big happy place because it's not. It's a life just like anyone else's but unique in it's own way. So if you are really that heartless go ahead and do it.
