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GRANDMOTHERS and GRANDFATHERS
Have you ever given any thought to the difference between a Grandmother and a Grandfather? Well, here it is, as best explained by a young Granddaughter.
An older gentleman, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort to be with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a ride in the car which provided them with some important bonding time. This was a time he set aside for just him and his Granddaughter.
One Sunday morning however, he was suffering from a terrible head cold and was confined to his bed. He just couldn't make the ride on this day.
The girls Grandmother, knowing how her Granddaughter looked forward to the weekly trip, came to the rescue. She said she would happily take their Granddaughter out for a ride on this Sunday. |
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests spotted an
Attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No" she replied. "Actually I gave it to myself. It represents the
Things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose
'Carmen'. "What's your name?"
He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf."
Jesse Jackson was in Sears.
He was there to protest the fact that most of the washing machines were white..
So the clerk called the store manager, who asked,
"What's the problem here, Reverend?"
Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white.
The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the
Washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids,
You'll see that all the agitators are black."
SEX AFTER DEATH.....?????!!!!!
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,
" Marion... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Victoria."
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
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1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.......
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
