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LuvDuMpliN's blog: "Flashbacks"

created on 03/22/2007  |  http://fubar.com/flashbacks/b67190
This is someting i wrote awhile back when i was fighting addiction to an evil evil substance. I wont say what but for this that have the insight to open their minds, you'll catch on. I decided to post this cause i had what they call a 'user dream' and it triggered this. Writing keeps me sane, so to speak..it's a wonderful outlet as alot of you know. Notice the date it was written..uncanny huh? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~CRAVINGS~ 06/06/06 I’m invincible, 3 seconds to reach it..a couple minutes at a time..”pure bliss” or exctasy. I used to feel bulletproof, not quite 10 feet tall but omnipotent. It could be a sure case of megalomania if my mind had its way with me ,you know how they say you’re in trouble if you start answering yourself during a 1 to 1?..well..i never orate outloud..and if I do..its barely above a whisper..if I try to be careful moving something..i clink and clank….clumsy as hell..if I try to be quiet its almost garun fuckin teed that ill wake the neighbours and get reported for disturbing the peace…Yes..this is me on that evil..poor mans heroin..or is it the other way around? wtf..no biggie..not like this is an exam riiighhht? I used to see myself as full length movie..able to hold an audience in rapture..now..i’m only a bonus track on a 2 disc DVD , found at the bottom of the bargain bin under all the clearance items, marked to sell..low! Does anyone suspect I’m in here?..my hearing is super sonic..and yet..there is no one there, it reminds me of my many acid trips..such a dirty, dirty..oily drug..it literally makes me seep toxins out of my pores..lol..THEN..i have to jump in the shower, lock the door and stand there..like im being hosed down in the city cells, minus the de-licing powder of course..every other minute I turn the shower off, stick my head out the curtain and wonder where the whispering people have gone. There is no more laughter, I know its only the water, and there is no one standing out there holding there tummies , struggling to contain the uproarious laughter within. Word to the wise, if your gonna trip, be one with nature. And why..oh why?..does it make your breath smell like you licked the under carriage of a 4x4, still scalding hot after a road trip through the sunny fields of manure in cattle country? The first sweet taste always reminded me of the smell of sex, musky but sweet, and from then on, you’ll never get that virgin joy back. You think smoking is bad?..add ash and nicotine upon ammonia and baking soda, and god knows what else they throw in there. Tell me, why do I need to inhale baby laxative?,talcum powder?, cleaning products,most likely speed, meth, ghb and scads of other glorious but oh so fragrant spices, lol. Hell, I’ll just lay on the floor and you can use my gullet to flush your rad ok? At least ill be using my automotive skills to my upmost potential, sheesh, is that what 12K gets ya these days? Cigarette after raunchy cigarette, chain smoking because im tweeking for that familiar rush of smoke filling my lungs, trying to keep my hands busy also, desperately avoiding glancing down at the carpet, NOT looking for minute remnants. I know I’m careful, its too precious to be reckless with, hell, ya even get your own methods, right down a rhythm and of course, yours is the only way it should be done, “just a thought” I’d mumble, “I’m only looking so I can make sure my cat won’t try to nibble on it”, it’s only a half truth, right?..like a little white lie..HAHA..white…ok..not funny, but it’s all I got right now. I still have my sense of humor, some would say it’s a defense mechanism, I suppose, won’t deny it, but it makes the ride much more amusing, better then cable I’d say. They say it’s a social drug, bullshit, you become a recluse, tell me..will paranoia really destroy ya?.i never used to get that way, but then again I could say no too, I’d watch others and it would turn my stomach to see them jonesing..that would make me put down the bowl and fight to keep my eyes closed. Tossing and turning, mulling over every little detail of why I shouldn’t have done it, dipped into my rent, but it’s ok, I’ll cover it next cheque, borrow it, go into my overdraft, sell every little thing I strived so hard to acquire. They may be only material things but I love my toys..lol..gadgets, games, BLING! I’ve become someone I would detest at a distance, talk bout in closed quarters, laugh about at the water cooler but human enough to feel pity for, “better by you, better then me” I used to say, but my mantra lately is that I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.. How did I fall so hard, a tight little ball of elastics kids collect in their youth, into that cave, rebounding, to and fro, between every stalactite and stalagmite in sight, every known muscle in my battered body strained and taught. But from what?.surely not from any movement, I’ve been frozen in this sitting position on the floor for god knows how long, I suppose it’s a form of atrophy, ending with back pain and the indubitable migraine that greets me in the dawn, but I don’t sleep, if I’m lucky I’ll snatch a couple of hours, tops. I try to placate myself with countless broken promises , like resolutions for the new day. Feeling no pain, inside, numbed to pressure of survival of the fittest, vicious circle or the lowest man on the totem pole, I keep getting kicked further and further down the food chain, I wouldn’t let anyone else treat me like this, why do I abuse myself so?..I swear it’s tantamount to suicide, killing myself softly. My cognitive skills skyrocket, the book smarts or intelligence I used to be so proud of in my youth, haha, not so long ago, excels at light speed, I spit out words and sentences, riddles and conundrums, bringing all those around me to look on in admiration, gold star for me, yay! On the outside I beam with pride, lol, actually a smartass cocky kind of.”I dare you to challenge me” attitude, and I have been challenged, and won. For instance, the word “pariah”, I was asked to explain it, the dude had never heard it before. I spit out..”outcast, in reference to people with say..leprosy?”..and low and behold, he gets out his 700$ palm pilot and his dime store wit.. and in quotations..is..(drum roll please)..”outcast”, I almost shit myself, to the letter!..pretty sweet eh? So, the game was on, kicked his ass in music trivia too. Oh the momentary lapse of humility, I am just a fountain of useless tidbits of information, all in my mental rolodex, and I stress 'mental'. So, time has passed, my craving has subsided, til the next one..peace! Xoxo..i gotta love me, looking out for #1 from here on in, you’re welcome to come along for the ride, but..buckle up..it’s gonna be bumpy.
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