While we're on the topic of birthdays growing old
looking back
I'd like to say that I really do have very few regrets in my life.
That's kinda weird to hear me say isn't it?
My violent often-assumed-psychotic adolescence
The catastrophic nonsense that has happened to me simply by chance
The shit-storm my most recent relationship had been.
And no- this isn't one of those "aw shucks at least they had a couple good times" talks. No those were all HORRIBLE experiences that taught me to be the strong, more organized, levelheaded person that I am.
And let's take a minute for me to kick that "well maybe he's just bitter" point right in the balls. I used that girl to understand my limitations, to grow up, and to understand my own priorities. The childish games of love I played during that period were just a sugar coating.
I learned that I can't love someone I don't respect. I can't love a household terrorist. I can't love a selfish person.
I don't regret it, and to be honest- had things even ended on a sane note- y'know without her and her new fiance breaking into my house, beating the hell out of me, calling the cops, and robbing me the next day- I probably would have stayed in that waste of a time (albeit fun) job, wound up with another uneducated unrespectable (albeit fun) bar-maid, and spun my wheels up until this point exactly- fundless, frustrated, and completely losing track of my greater goals and ideals.
In short- I'm better off with a fire lit under me.
No-
What I truly regret
is not seeing my brother's graduation. I had a final that day, his grad was in Denver, my teacher refused to reschedule for me. So I took the final, and I missed the ceremony.
I also regret not taking some of my literature classes as seriously as I could've- but... hey, I like to read at my own pace rather than under the gun, it lets me chew an idea longer.
I still own all those books, and I often crack them open, take from them bit by bit to enrich my mind.
People need to read more
so they can write more
so they can study more
so they can understand more.
My dad often says "you're a gentleman and a scholar" when I do something appropriate or polite
I often retort "mostly a scholar though".
I hope my brother can overcome this miserable situation right now, and reach the greatness I know he's capable of.
I'd wish the same for myself, but... I'm no good without love.
That could be the love of a full tank of gas and a midwestern abandoned highway
sex on an early sunday afternoon
my dog's giant floppy head
my brother's gleeful laugh
my mother's sigh
my father's grin
my toes in the crysal blue of the carribean
a great meal I prepared
an even greater meal I learned from
a good book
a great argument
a big idea
a little miracle
tiny fingers wrapped around my thumb
trust
a friend in need
a friend with a weekend to kill
a mentor full of pride
or that one icon of romance and perfection you hold onto in your heart, accepting you, wanting you, loving you back.
It's all pretty important stuff.
I'm no good without it.
So what do I have to say about 23? 08? The "worst" year?
I'm still standing motherfuckers. In the last 2 months the work you built that whole year around hatred, despair, selfishness, sloth and anger was undone by purpose, deed, righteousness, and many small acts of love.
I survived this test. Planted my banner, and wiped the blood and dirt off my forehead.
What's next?
...besides the stress at work, and the complete lack of money- we have enough of that business, in fact we "get it" you could even cut back a little on it.
... please?
