this is a subject that always brings me to tears, its a very emotional subject for me. i'm not sure how many of you know this about me, but i feel like its time for me to let everyone know. lets start with the story to have everything make sence to you.
my whole life i've wanted nothing more then an older brother. when i believed in santa i would always ask him for an older brother. even though i never believed in god, i always prayed that one day i could have an older brother even though it wasn't possible. two summers ago when i was about seventeen my dad and i were at a family function. he got a little intoxicated and was unable to drive. i had to drive us home. on the way home he told me the truth that he had kept from me for almost seventeen years of my life.
i have two older brothers.
my dad had these children before he met my mother and i was even in the picture, (obviously) so i'm not an only child as i thought my entire life. i went into a sort of shocked state. i didn't know what to feel, all i could do is cry. i was happy, excited, dissapointed, depressed and hurt. hurt because my dad waited almost seventeen years of my life to tell me this, knowing that what i wanted most was an older brother. since that day i have been searching for anything to lead me to my brothers. one we have no chance of finding, all we have is his first name. the second, we had a first and middle name and an idea of the last name.
the beginning of this year i found my brother daniels mother on the internet. i told my dad, and we discussed a sort of plan we could take into action. my aunt called her because they used to be friends. she told her that she doesn't know if daniel is my dads or her husbands. she also said that she didn't understand why i cared.
i was so incredibly hurt when i heard this news...i cried for a few days straight. i couldn't think, i couldn't sleep, i could barely eat i was so depressed. lately i've been thinking a lot about him again. i cant continue going like this. i need to know.
i've had a plan for awhile. my dad doesn't know if daniels mom has told daniel or her husband that there is a possibility that they aren't blood related. he said that may screw up a lot. so i've made the decision to write a letter to lynn (daniels mother) and tell her how i feel and how this is affecting me. i want to know if he is my brother. i want to get to know him...i need him in my life. i know this sounds selfish. to find out after years of having no hope of something you've yearned for, needed your whole life...i guess i cant help it. i cant describe the pain i feel when i start thinking about this. i've cried myself to sleep many nights over this. this is more important to me then anything in my life.
am i doing the right thing? am i wrong in my thoughts?
