all my devils and demons have all come out to get me
i am mad as hell today, I am tired of being that thing guys/gals want but only to look at or to touch never to be honestly mine. or theres, get to know me you might just like me for the personality not just cause I am pretty...... everywhere I go there is always someone saying stupid shit about me WHY i have not got a clue, i like to go out have a good time and go home I don't sleep around and if you have ever been lucky enough for me to let you go there with me or even get close to me then count yourself lucky cause I don't let many IN.....
so I think my marriage is over now, I think we are at that point of no return, the point were all the things in the past have come to a head and its just to damn big of a shit mountain to climb.......
I have never asked for much, hell I always felt grateful for his love, thinking he would be the only one to ever LOVE ME.... but I don't care anymore I have to love me and if no one else wants to well then GREAT.....who cares right......He is my best friend in the whole word HE KNOWS EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE..... and I do mean everything but is that enough to continue this marriage........ enough for me to continue to say ok baby when he says it will get better, I promise well here it is 13 yrs later and well not much has changed really other than the fact we have 3 kids now and i am older and who would want a girl with 3 kids thats a lot of baggage to carry around....even if they are the greatest kids in the whole fucking world.......... or will I end up with some ass hole that treats me bad because thats all I think I am worth? I don't know but I do know I am not getting any younger here and I don't want to wake up at 50 and say what happened..... what do I have to show for MY life....I don't want to retire on SS I want to be spoiled, pampered and not made to feel guilty because of it.... I want to be able to work IF i so choose not because I HAVE too to bail out the bills as always....... I want more and I don't think he is willing or able to give it to me....He doesn't treat me badly, he is supportive, but as a friend would be, so I am out of idea's as to how to make myself content with the whole thing!!!!!
And I continually look in those places for this fulfillment that can never fill me......I am so damn confused right now, I no i want more but the thought of being without his support does SCARE the hell out of me, However the thought of being like this in another 13 yrs SCARES the hell out of me too, and I don't know what to do about it...............I told him I wanted a divorce but how is that gunna work really hell we can't make bills as it is much less seperate so in a trap I stay i suppose........maybe I should just humble myself and go back to being grateful that any man wants me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not like they are lining up to be with me just to fuck me is all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
blessed be to all
