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I took a step today... and it got me thinking... and I may just be on to something... I may be on the path to finding myself again...
Today I signed up for a dance class. It was a class I have been thinking about taking for the last 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure why I never signed up for it. I think it was anxiety and fear... the very things that have been holding me back from doing anything that I enjoy the last few years. As I was thinking about this class, feeling the excitement looking forward to it... I started to think about how much I loved to dance when I was younger. I always wanted to be a dancer. I took a couple of dance classes when my father could afford it. But I'm not sure at what point I gave up on it. (I did try out for dance team in high school, however I was cut in the last round because the routine I choreographed was considered "too sexy." lol)
Then that led me to think about the fact that I had other loves when I was younger that got lost along the way. I loved to sing and I was quite good at it. I was great at drawing from a very young age. I also wrote short stories and poetry as a child that rivaled the work of adults. But at some point something happened, at some point I seemed to give up on me. I still have some of the poetry I wrote and possibly a short story or two but most of my best artwork is gone. I'm not sure what happened, why I stopped doing the things I loved or why I allowed the products of my talents to be lost, but I can be very sure that it's the very reason I have been so unhappy with myself.
Just thinking about this dance class, I feel this fire inside of me, the real me emerging again... I feel inspired to start doing all the things that I love again. I'm not even sure what caused this breakthrough... When I saw the posting for the class today, I just jumped on it without even thinking. Normally (as I have not been feeling well physically for the last couple years) it would take me weeks just to place a phone call, even for something simple, even if it was important. I just couldn't seem to force myself to function. My brain was a fog, I could never focus or think straight and I was always so exhausted it felt as if I was dying. A little over a month ago I started treatment for a condition (which I don't want to get into right now). I'm starting to believe that that treatment is working. I am still very tired much of the time (but nowhere near the kind of tired I was before), but I can think more clearly, I am beginning to remember things that I couldn't remember before, I am functioning at a much higher level physically... going to the gym, keeping the house clean, etc. It may be because of this that I was able to finally take a leap and just do something for myself, something that I could enjoy and would make me happy.
Whatever it was, I'm so glad I did it. I can't wait for the world to see the real me again. :D
