Judes aka Lady Redhara Proud Irishwoman's blog: "Finally....man I tell ya!"

The night came softly, even briskly with the ever changing breezes Howling willows sang of its song Power lines sang from the branches Insisting they don't belong there. Star One appears Midnight blue sky shares her. When I wish upon a star danced in my head. Glistening and twinkling as I finished my wish the second appeared to torment. Justify your wish as it won't happen now. Fires crackle, pop breaks my trance reality check reality snap reality bites reality cold.

Inspiration dwells The realm of reality Exposing our self serving souls. Planets rotating, their determined axis sealed by the unkind fates. Unwavering similarties shards of growth in enlightenment. Dancing amongst the stars our minds create, embellish centuries of truths. Ever changing dreams single file thru the gates of creation.

In the movie Giorgio I fell in love with him. He sucked as an actor but I felt an attraction to him. Not that I know much of him but he opened my eyes to something new in this world. Which, if you know me, is one of my passions... to seek out new life and new experiences. Just think he made opera just a lil more accessible to make the way for others like Bocelli whom I adore. Do I like all opera? Hell no. Some of it is just atrocious. Obnoxious. But some can move my spirit and swoon me into another mood. Luciano Pavarotti has passed away today. Pancreatic Cancer. Thank you Luciano for opening my world just a lil more.

One day a kid show up at my door... tall as me blond. Not the best looking kid but definete potential for that manly look later in life. He was my sons friend. Dated my daughter for a couple of weeks. LOL Uh yeah they held hands. Big whoop. Now the big lug is one of my best friends at 24. He has so much potential but not the smarts of an intellectual. But he has the ability to calm me unlike no other son has. He has endured years of teasing because of his height and lanky walk. A lil hunched over, he never grew into his height. Definetly a lover and not a fighter. He has made a few mistakes in his life that I can't go into but he will be paying for them forever. All the warnings we gave him, I gave him... I think he finally got the message. Now being too late. He has spent so much time with me. Drank way to much... Way too much. Would brag about how much he could drink and then get sick. LOL I taught him to slow down so he could enjoy it and not get sick. And that it is not cool to drink like that almost daily. Dumb fuck. LOL but I love him anyway. He has been a friend thru good times and bad. Discussed EVERYTHING you can imagine with me. LOL Knows most everything about me. When all the other boys wer gone to do their life he is still around. I fell June 1st and he was there to take care of me. even slept with me. LOL Holding a heating pad to my hip so I could sleep. He has also held me when I was so down I could cry... and have. He is soft spoken, quiet. A very gentle giant but not too active. He has an old pickup truck you would think was his woman. I tease him about it all the time but shhhh!!! don't tell him that I love that damn truck. Banged up and beat up it should have been junked years ago. lol Of all my sons is is the most unlike me. Enjoys bars and playing pool. Country music. Yet we click on a weird level. I feel safe with him. Even with the bad decisions he has made. Like I can spend days...he can be around and I am completely happy he is there. Yes he has pissed me off at times. But that is the nature of friends. You come back together-with a stronger bond. I have seen him grow a foot in eight years. I have seen him care for his Mom and Dad(s). He is a protector I am glad to have in my life. Love ya kidd. LOL just for you..... (and the damn broken down truck too) See ya next weekend at the island. LOL

My other adopted son Wesley... This kid tall and gangly as they can come. Friend of my son Shane. He came over for poker nites. Poof another son was born. LOL His face reminds me of Ray Bolger. Who's Ray Bolger? The scarecrow in 'The Wizard of Oz'. Sweet as they come. Mom hard working at low income and Dad constantly in rehab or the the hospital. An older brother who found fun in beating his little brother up.... Yep definetely one who needed me. I apparently love to be needed. LOL In truth it is I who needed my sons. My real son Shane went into the Marine Corps. We used to hit the drive in together. My sons and I. Wesley would call me up and say "Guess what?" and poof he would appear to keep me company or get me to the drive in. No worries about entertaining him. He was happy to hang out. It was his choice to come to my house. Be my son from another mother. We laughed and yes drank a lil...now and then.. He made the BEST margueritas and would spike them with that "extra Wesley love" also know as whatever other alcohol was in the house. He was gentle. Soft spoken somewhat. But not afraid to join in on fun. We went to the drive in and used to have water fights in the car. It was ok...It was over 100 most nights and dried almost instantly. We laughed a lot... I knew Wes was awesome... The night I learned my real son was destined to go to Fallujah (which never ended up happening thank the Goddess or God or Buddha) I was a wreck. Wes called and said " Guess what." Off to the drive in we went. I couldn't tell you the movies... Nearby the Modesto Nuts (yes that is their name-minor league team named because of our almond orchards round here) would have fireworks on a Saturday nite. Well I heard the 1st boom and the tears came. Each explosion of the fireworks was torture for me. He held me for a minute and was more a man that night than most grown men. I cried silent wet tears and he let me... just understood...Didn't try to laugh it up. He just let me have my moment of fear that most military moms face. I reached for his hand a couple of times not out of lust but love... Just a memory I have of him. This gangly kids with a slight lisp. He is now serving in the Army in Afhanistan. I am as proud of him as I was my own son when he was in the corp... and Wes is exceling there. Structure works for the man. Right on. He met a lady in the army and is stationed with her in Afghanistan. He has asked her to marry him in a bunker with explosives going off around them. I don't know if it will last but again I believe we are all brought together for a reason. I was there to be his place of sanctuary and she is there for him to keep him sane and safe. I get calls every now and then and he is enjoying his life overall. This kid is an inspiration to me. Love you Wesley, Come home safe. and just for you Wesley since you freaking tortured the hell out of me with this for Shane I now use it for you. It fits. As you are also my son. Now why haven't u called me or Ryan or Geo in over a month? Not like you. I am worried about you!

Dashing and handsome Model material. His smile had a twinkle I tell ya. Ah if only I was younger.... He came to me one night. I felt the bubble arrive. I can't explain a bubble to anyone. You do what you do and know what you know only between those with you in harmony. Fighting insanity. Overdosing on nyquil and god knows what else. Ready to fight a friend that lived with me. For no real reason..just insantity, anger. The knives came out. The words were just as cutting. I stepped between... thrown to the bed.... He looked at me as I sat up. I looked at him. "Ryan stop" calmly-looking directly at his soul. That was all it took. His knife dropped quickly To his knees he dropped his head into my lap... What was wrong? My Ryan. His friend left the room. His sobs were wild... Maniacal. His pulse raced. I pulled up his face.. I saw him insane... completely out of control.. I brushed the tears... As a mother would Who do I call? How do I call? Call his mother? Call an ambulance... So much to do and yet the bubble was there. I was to calm him. I know this. How? He will be ok. How did I know this? He came to me. I talked to him calmly. told him he is loved so much. Over and over... The bubble popped...no longer just he and I His friend returned to the room thinking this was about him. "Why the hell is he crying cause I would kill him?" "This is not about you" "The knives were not about you, the words were about you only" Ryan began gripping my tighter, clawing... weeping softly I felt his pulse. It slowed. His glazed eyes returned... He had passed the worst. He lay in my lap at my knees for an hour at least...letting it out. His friend began to understand... Ryan spoke to him and said he was truly sorry... then a short love fest Where the hell was his mother to let him get like this? His father? Mother off in some pious religious cult and the father moves to Arizona with no warning... He came to me. He needed me and I was there. As his mother I will always be there... Why me. I will always wonder. At least I know his heart will continue to mesmerize me forever now. No more Nyquil bouts... Someone to listen and appreciate his art. An open ear for everything needed and an open heart for love he needs. I love you my Ryan. Truly I believe you may have saved me....

Weird kid... not striking but sexy as hell. Something about him struck me. Was it his beautiful mocha that attracts me? My real son had a birthday party... I found the answer... At 10 PM techno ballet. In my back yard. I noticed. I stopped. I almost dropped my tray. I knew what that was. I knew it well... The technical words have eluded me now but it was there. Talent. The boy was a full on dancer. A completely classically trained male ballet dancer! I stood in awe during my moment of surprise. What do I make of this and why is he here? I believe we all come together for a reason somehow someway somewhere in time to achieve a goal that is unknown. there he was Techno Ballet. ICP music on. This child. Was dancing like Barishnikov before me. Leaping to heights unseen in years by me. He loved to show it off. And I would too with that talent. My mouth gaped open. No one else seemed to notice. I did. I was a dancer. Dancing is life to me. To express my soul as only I could. Here he did this to ICP Get down with the clowns... This boy man made me laugh like no other. My heart was his because of dance. His humor impeccable... His ability to use his wit to make people laugh. I stood in awe of this wonder.. And again why me.. why bring such beauty in movement to me? To slap me in the face? To show my years of dance are ended? What evil beast would dare do that to me. My heart broke when I could no longer breathe the music in my soul. Moving my eyes, my fingers, arching my back, pointing my toes to express the love of life? Wrong. I learned it. He loved me to death... We spent hours talking...hours and hours... up until dawn if the night called for it. If I was sleeping he sat at the foot of my bed till I passed out... He went away to Joffrey in the summer. Learned who he was...that is talent was not superior to those around him. Well of course not. It was Joffrey... leading ballet company and school! Instead of inspiring him it crushed him. His web of lies, constant lies.... to everyone... I forgave him this. Why? I didn't care. I saw someone who needed love again.... needed nurturing, inspiration... His life had been hard for him. Issues only he and I know of... Bi racial and adopted took its toll at 4-taken form his real parents as they couldn't care for him. His extremely rich adoptive parents didn't help. Bought him everything then dropped him with nothing... You can't give a rich kid everything and then cut them off like they can do it on their own. he was home schooled-mother a snob. Dad a stuck up accountant. His parents moved to Texas and he moved here. I had been his weekend Mom for a couple of years. He worked on his mustang... we had fun for a long time. Bowling and dancing and poker nites... but as times got harder for me...I couldn't take care of him. Pressures of his not dancing anymore and his extremely undeserved low self esteem... He took himself into a place where he couldn't get out. His bragging of untruths undid him. He couldn't hold a job due to his lying about everything. He always felt a pressure inside to do this. We had many talks about it. I tried to tell him he was beautiful and smart...but never found what could help him. His dance was failing him. I was failing him... that was when I knew I was there to help him not to be a dancer. Not the world stage anyway... I cried one nite over it-in my room alone. The world will never know what he could have been. Only I do and his teacher. Hell his parents didn't even go to his last performance here. He was trained. So well. He could leap and hang in the air like a God. Stage presence of a straight male ballet dancer.... Damnnnnn. Many a night I sat and wondered what if I made a move on him. LOL I never really did. It would not be right. I loved him like and still consider him as a son. Sadly we fought and he went home to his parents...This was a blessing for us both. He dances now for a Texas Ballet company off and on. We have since buried that hatchet so to speak... He will never achieve stardom. I still tear up knowing this... Hours spent talking about not dancing... I feel like we both died. What kind of evilness steals your dreams....mine and his... I miss you Donovan. You will always be my Nutcracker Prince as I know you danced it for me. Dance well Donovan.

A surprising drive down 101 Brightly shimmered the water Seeing things anew a rare reality Age stealing that lust away. The whales below hunting The sea lions beside barking The beach waves waited for my arrival. Was I expected? Warm. The sun shone bright at sunset I stepped into the water. Ice. My friend he watched. I stepped in further. Cold. First wave moved me. Numb. Then another. I carefully went in blindly watching the sun rising for another Green Flash today? no. Just warm soothing numb. I glanced back to see a smile His warmth and friendship carries me safely as I need. Feeling no cold, no warm. Was I even breathing? Glowing sunset. Amber, rose, A sliver of a cloud outlined in gold. The waves at my midriff gently rocked my soul, it breathed. I did not. I saw the last light of the sun. Standing with God before me and Love and friendship behind me. The eerie passion to continue to go deeper to see what treasure awaited at the murky sandy depth was immediately overwhelming. A pearl in a chest? Treasure?? Who made me know this and how? What treasure... Peace, inner peace? Who called... to take me from my life? No voices inside nor out. Just a normal bodily function? Peace and tranquility lured. Staying my ground as it yet slipped away I closed my eyes felt the waves move me Eyes opened to a cold shiver The sun gone down Gray darkness - not your normal sunset. I know that I was not done for this world It had more to show me. Suddenly a breath... I returned to love to keep me safe. His blue eyes spoke not a word. Gentle arms awaited.