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Ick R Us's blog: "I need a drink."

created on 09/14/2006  |  http://fubar.com/i-need-a-drink/b896

[final entry]

I blinked and realized the TV had been on nothing for 3 hours. After all my favorite shows had come and gone. I really wish instead of all this, I had been diagnosed with something terminal. I've been going to restaurants, diners, cafe's just to hear other people's voices, but the downside is staring straight at an empty booth. I don't know what to tell you, if you don't already know why. How many of your greatest fears have you faced in one night? How many arrows from an unkind can you suffer? How much betrayal can you cram into a day? A month? I just want to crawl I just want to sleep I just want to ball up, and dissapear. But they won't let me. God it hurts so much... no, I'm not bringing him into this... not yet. It's like constantly having your heart ripped out and fed to you. I've lost all drive, all confidence, all shelter. I've lost all sense of me. I've lost me. And the only comfort I have- is wise words from my brother confused words from my father hurt words building like plaque around the heart... strangling me. Shutting me out. It's not enough. And it never will be. I wish for sweet oblivion. Better to have never have loved at all. Better to have never dreamed at all. Better to be still, in the empty dark. Take this life. And may it stand as a constant vigilant memorial of this callous miserly torture. Damn it... damn me too. DAMN ME TOO! Job may have lost everything in a childish bet between god, but at least those things didn't remove themselves willingly DAMN ME! SCORN ME! SMITE ME! at least then I could blame you instead of me. ... At least then I'd know it was undeserved and alien. That's not even what I want... I want to be healed. But I haven't the first idea on how. Love? Family? Fortune? What would the enlightened one do? We all need to be loved. We all want to be treated kindly... I'm not even sure I understand those words any more. I'm just... I'm not... What am I now? What have I? Where do I? Did I? Will I? Am I? Quite lost. Without a map. No longer able to acknowledge what a path or a map is. I am a man reborn into nothing, holding nothing, held by nothing but this deliberate pervailing emptiness. I am but a shadow, stabbed thrice through the heart, and left to face this godless, loveless void alone. Am I... What am I... I close my eyes, and let out a deep mournful sigh. Another fleck of my spirit left to rebound on the walls and cake over the chipped paint. Because there is no "one". There is no "why". Only the white void, and I.
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