shootinstarzzz's blog: "figuring this out"

I am hoping SOMEONR reads this so maybe they will get thier head out of thier ass and do something before they lose a very important person in thier life. It takes 5 minutes to draw a pic, buy a post card or even to just write i love and miss on a piece of paper...put it in an evelope and mail it to your son to show him you care. Out of sight...out of mind? Not on this end cuz theres an 11 yr old boy who feels his dad choose someone over him and just left him, he feels his dad does not care about him anymore. These are his thoughts and his words..I cant make up excuses anymore not because I dont want to but because this child tells me to stop making excuses. The child did try to call his father 6 times and got a busy signal. He also called him on father's day and his dad was half asleep and did not even make an effort to wake up all the way and talk to his son so when the son hung up he went outside and broke some cars which was his way of showing his hurt. His father cant call out but Im sure theres a payphone or a friend with a cell phone around somewhere to where this father might call his son just to say I do love you and I do miss you and I finally have a job so I will come see you really soon or I will get you some cool school clothes and mail you a package cuz I know you love getting mail and I will send it by UPS cuz I know how much you love getting packages just for you and brought by the "box truck" like you used to call it when you were younger. The non child support hurts cuz his son goes without things that the child support was paying for cuz the money is sent for the child and it gets spent on the child whether it be food, clothes or even a special toy or a game every week like he used to get when the child support came but its not as important..whats important is this child feels like he is unloved and that his father does not care and the damage of his father destroying a relationship that once gone he may never be able to get back is very sad.

hehe...my son Tristan was born May 15th by c-section. He was breech and came out behind first and then took his first bm on the doctor! haha

Happy Easter to all who read this! We are going to my boyfriend's brother's house where we are bbqing for easter and having a huge egg hunt for the kids. Its awesome too cuz my daughter is here, I miss her something terriable when I dont get to see her everyday..cant wait till this summer when she will be here with me permantley again so I can see her everyday. She is graduating high school next month, I am so proud of her!!!!!

Thank you my dwaine for being beyond awesome, for being you. Thank you for being there for me, for my kids and for spending most of ur free time with Austin when you know he needs us the most. Thank you for going for a walk with us around the block last night when you were tired, for playing hot wheels with Austin on the living room floor, for grasshopper hunting and playing frisbee with him...and thank you for making plans to spend the day at the river with friends so Austin can have fun this weekend when you know he is beyond hurt and dissapointed his other weekend plans were changed. Thank you for taking charge of Austin's school work, for taking the day off work to go to the school conferance, for taking extra time helping Austin with his math, for getting him to go from bad behavior reports to him getting his first 100% report and his grades going up in these last weeks. Thank you for being the best thing to ever come into our lives and for all you do just to make us happy. I love you with all my heart and soul and it brings tears to my eyes when I think about how much I love you.

I been wanting to go camping again for a while so I was seriouslly thinking of trying to get all our close friends and family out at the lake camping maybe the weekend after Easter. The kids have a blast camping, running around and getting dirty, playing in the lake and sitting by the camp fire at night where Dwaine's mom makes em all smores...plus its like the only time my son is allowed to not take baths for days which makes him happy cuz the kid has to be told to take a shower daily..why is it 11 year old boys hate to shower? LOL

Hmmm..the ex threw in my face a blog I had written on myspace about my boyfriend's brothers bacheler ( spelled wrong) party.... What do most ppl do at weddings, bacheler and bacherette parties? Right, drink. There is a HUGE difference between having a few beers on the weekend than being a drunk. The ex forgets I used to hang out with the group of ppl he hangs with and they can out drink most ppl...the ex also forgets lots of other things. Sooo being as the only person I worry bout reading stuff was my daughter and after discovering even know I hid the stuff he did from the kids for years..she knows most of it and I have deciced to write blogs about EVERYTHING the man has put me through over the years and dealing with him and his bi-polar disorder and how he refused to take the meds. If he reads the blogs..thats ok cuz he always for years would go snooping and find any diary I would keep and read em..his reason for this being as he wanted to know what I thought of him. I have also decided I am no longer going to take the blame of being the bad guy...I been doing it for years so my kids would not see how a serious mental illness affects someone..last night by accident my son heard his father go off in one of his anger modes..the cussing, screaming and name calling and it killed me to see the look on my son's face. of course it was then said it's my fault the ex is not going to take my son for his weekend and it was also my fault last weekend he claims cuz he says he was broke and I should have drove my son to him....gee, I was broke too cuz I had to buy groceries for my son and I spent what little extra cash I had was spent on my son buying him a toy and Mc Donalds to reward him for doing the best he has ever done in school on his behavior report for the week...if the ex had the money to get a place and go to the movies then how is it my fault he is broke..just an example of things I always get blamed for.

I am such a forgetful dork I swear. I cook dinner for my son and my boyfriend almost every night. My boyfriend usually works late evry night so I try to have dinner done by 5 or 6pm so my son can have his dinner at a decent time. Well tonight its chicken, baked potatoes and I made an awesome salad plus my boyfriend's dad is bbqing some ribs..well I bake the potatoes in the micowave, put the chicken in the oven...make the salad then while its is suppose to be cooking I am running about doing laundry and other norm chores us moms tend to never run out of. Well....I go to see how much longer till the chicken is done and guess what? LMAO....I forgot to turn on the oven...yes, I am a major dork! hahaha sooooooooooo dinner or at least the chicken is going to be late tonight! LOL

My son is 11 years old and he has been really slacking in school. Last week my boyfriend and I attended a school conferance and I was shocked at how bad my son is doing in school and his attitude towards his teacher is unaceptable sooooo on the way home my boyfriend and I had a talk bout what to do. Well...we laid down the law, no x-box, no video games till he improved his grades and changed his attitude. It was hard for me to be mean like that..I would have gave in to my son but my boyfriend is very firm in a calm nice way and takes the time to talk to my son and makes sure he understands how important his grades are and how a young man should be respectable towards his teachers and adults..my boyfriend is very big on manners, respect and morals and has so much patience with my son. My son adores my boyfriend and really looks up to him. Today my son came home from school with all his homework....he got a 100 on two tests and I am sooo proud he is trying to do better!!! He is a really smart kid and I just dont know what had gotten in to him latley but it looks like what we are doing is working and I am sooo happy and sooo proud of my son!!!!

I bid on a nice lot of maternity clothes on e-bay and was winning till the last 15 minutes. Dwaine was telling me bid more...I bid and bid but alas I lost by 50 cents...dammit!!!!! I wanna stomp my feet like a child throwing a fit cuz I really wanted those maternity shirts bad!!!! I should have listened to Dwaine but I was being cheap and bid alot less than he said to bid....lol, he is paying for the stuff sooooo I should have just bid high! They were sooo adorable and I have never seen such cute stuff....should have just bid a really high amount cuz there was three tops and two pairs of cute stylish capri jeans of a really good brand and just the jeans alone were 40 bucks apiece had I gone to the store to buy em......woe is me. LOL UGh..why is it soooo hard to bid and get size medium maternity clothes on e-bay? I mean dammit cuz if I was like a size large or x-large I could get cheap lots on there!!!!! I think after the baby gets here and I drop the 15 pds and whatever else I gain in the next 9 weeks with being pregnant I am going shopping...gonna buy a really cute outfit and go out with the girls and just have fun! I did win this awsome fairy necklace...Its cool and the fairy is holding a glass bottle with fairy dust!!!!! LOL I think I am going e-bay crazy!!!! haha

Dwaine and I made the two hr drive Friday night to go pick up my daughter and drop my son off with his grandma. We made good time there and stopped off at Starbucks and giggled and laughed so much my stomach hurt from laughing...we joked away on the way back and on one of my numerous gotta go stops both Dwaine and my daughter made fun of me for having to stop yey again after drinking my coffee. Soooo after stopping we head off again and my daughter who gets car sick and always falls asleep on long drives was sleeping away, Dwaine and I were listening to the radio and joking around like we always do when we came to a complete stop...a huge traffic line...sooooo we stop and sit in the car and wait, Dwaine and I cant see whats stopping traffic ahead soo we just assume it's gotta be a wreck. Then we hear the wailing sirens of an ambulance. We joke around some more and then it was like we both felt it...same time we felt it. We saw a life flight helicopter land...then take off then bout ten minutes later the now silent ambulance passes... We both felt it....every hair on my body stood up, I felt the tears come to my eyes and I felt them, if you have never felt someone who has recently passed away its undescriable the feeling you get..this one was strong, they were young..too young, I just knew they were around 22 yrs of age and they were hanging around the accident scene, there was someone else even younger that passed on too..they were not as strong of presense and I only felt them for just a split second. I asked dwaine if he had felt it and I knew he had felt something cuz the look on his face. When we finnaly were moving along after waiting 45 minutes we passed the scene and it was grim...a big four wheeler had jack knifed and hit a car..the look I saw in those fire fighters and police officers eyes as we slowly passed said whatever they saw was still haunting them it was so bad. God has our life planned...Dwaine and I spoke of this as we headed towards home....we spoke of how if we had not stopped at starbucks, if we had not made that last restroom stop...would we have been up closer to the truck, would it have hit us? We spoke how God has us do small things in order to avoid death...that it is not our time and how each person in life has a pre-set plan that God has already set for them. How just maybe us being held up 45 minutes may have prevented something else in a chain of events...deep discussion we had. Later that evening I saw what looked like fireflies darting about the trees....I rarly see stuff like trhat..I feel stuff, and just know things sometimes. I dont want to see stuff. My whole life I have been able to do this and when I do see them I either ignore them or tell them to go away. When my grandfather came one night it freaked me out so bad I told him to go away and I have never seen him again. Life is strage..call me crazy if ya will. Its why I dont hardly ever tell of these things. Its been on my mind sense and I think of how life and death is always so present in our lifes. As I feel death I feel the life of the seven month old baby in my belly as he kicks...I think of how his life is already planned out by God...how just a few years ago I would have fell over laughing if ya had told me I be on my way to having my third child....now I am amazed because God knew of this child...he is in Gods plans..this tiny unborn soul who will enter this world soon. I thank God daoily for bringing Dwaine in my life.....the love we have for each other is indescriable, when I look in his eyes the rest of the world fades away, I thank God for having two healthy children and for this lil one my love and I are having together..this unborn child who is half me and half my loves. Life is precious.