THE RULES
(We guys always hear "The Rules" from the female's point of view. Now the tables are turned. Sit down, buckle up, keep all arms and legs inside the cockpit, put your head between your knees because we're going DOWN!)
[Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose. Thank you, and enjoy your flight.]
1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1) Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1) Don't cut your hair ever. Long hair is always more attractive than cute short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.
1) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1) Crying is blackmail.
1) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!!!
1) We don't remember dates. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1) Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1) "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1) Check your oil! Please.
1) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. It is a dangerous question, and as such we can refuse to answer.
1) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and/or angry, we meant the other one.
1) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like the Windows default settings. "Peach," for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what "muave" is.
1) If it itches, it will be scratched. It's what we do.
1) We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," then we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to -- expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!
1) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the Shotgun Formation, fishing, or monster trucks.
1) You have enough clothes.
1) You have too many shoes.
1) NO! No, you really do have too many shoes.
1) It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. And no, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1) I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you very much for taking time out of your day to read this. I hope you found it educational, as well as entertaining.
(Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.)
