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feelings

At first I saw him as a man who desperately needed me, the lover of my dreams. I saw myself as the healer, the rescuer sent to save him from himself. I was eager and determined to cure the ills of a narssasistic man unable to love anyone but himself. I, and only I would be capable of loving this man who hated all women. He was a master at the game of power and manipulation. His way of living was the only way in his mind. If I wanted to play, it had to be in his court and by his rules; anything else was inferior. By the time I realized this was a game I didnt want to play, I knew too much about the game to be allowed to get out of it. At this point I was considered a liability and would die before I was allowed to leave. Lies and contradictions began to surface but he cleverly, guiltlessly explained them away until I no longer knew what was truth and what was a lie. Perhaps I really was as insecure as he assured me. I was that insecure although the tiny voice of reason that I kept in reserve kicked and screamed everytime I conceeded. I was more stunned by the mental and verbal assaults than the physical ones. Those take longer to heal, if they ever do. He accused me of being selfish and he would threaten to withhold not only love making but simple affections such as holding hands or hugging in order to "cure" me. Like I said, this was a master at manipulation. He knew how to hurt me. To gain him back I would close my eyes to the abuse and try even harder to be everything he wanted me to be. When the craziness of the realtionship seriously shook the foundation of my sanity, I followed my survival instincts and left. I convinced him I was going to visit my sister and would come back to him. We both knew that was a lie, but he let me go anyway. One of his brief moments of lucidity and contact with the emotions of the human race. And in this moment, he let me go. Even in light of the abuse, leaving him was the hardest thing I had ever done. I had become addicted to him and thought I had fallen in love with him. But how can you love something that doesn't have the ability to return that emotion? He contacted me after a week or two with promises of a new beginning and no more drinking or drugs. He convinced me I was indeed the only woman he ever loved and I had the power to make him see the error of his ways and change him. (His words, not mine) Of course nothing ever changed. The root of this co-dependant behavior comes from a history of child abuse. I have always sought the approval of others to try to fill the void created by this and other things in my life. I dont recall seeking anyone in moments of fear or needed comfort. If I did, Im sure it was before I understood or recognized that something terrible was going on. Upon the discovery of this was when I truly started to feel alone. Any time I got scared or upset, I withdrew from everyone into my own world because, as lonley as it is, its safe in here. I know everyone here can be trusted and no one will judge me. I am one of those people who truly has a low self-esteem. This man I speak of boosted my ego. What I mean is, getting someone like him; the meanest and most incapable of giving or receiving love, to love me or allow me to see whats behind the scene so to speak, was my power trip. I have managed to accomplish something very few, if anyone has. I have seen a side of him that no one else lives to tell about. These things come with a very high price. My freedom, which ultimately my daughters payed for. I really doubt one can be "healed" of all this. My opinion of healing is to be rid of something to the point that it no longer causes you harm or affects you in any way. These are the very things that make me who I am and are engraved in my soul. They are the blueprint of "me" and will always have an effect on me. I do, however, believe one can learn how to live with it, learn not to let it be the deciding factor in the paths we choose or the catalyst behind the decisions we make. There may be someone out there that would consider this revelation a form of healing. Trust me, this is just a brief moment of lucidity...it too shall pass. You may be asking yourself, if there is no healing, then whats the point of the revelation? Answer: to get me through the dark hours that consume the majority of my days.
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