Feelings and such...
I have so much in my head right now I don't know what to do with it all....I wish I knew, I wish I could, I wish I did. I came to the point where I was actually happy about how my life was going, and the help I've gotten that has taken me this far. Almost a year ago I might as well have been dead. At least that's how I felt. I was loving living. Waking up everyday thinking, "Alright, a brand new day, let's make the best of it.", but not so much anymore. Something happened that made me think. Made me feel pathetic and like a loser. Broke me down completly. I have a cemical imbalance in my brain that makes it hard for me to be happy without help. And when I don't get that help, I do my best to keep my mood up and not to lose it. It's not easy for me, to feel like I do, like I wish I didn't. I usually say, "You're only as happy as you want to be.", but I get that thrown back in my face pretty much all the time. This might not make any sense to anyone reading it, but I need to get this out of my head and my heart. I'm stuck. In other words, I'm screwed. I didn't think you could fall this hard at any point in life, but I've reached bottom. Down here it's pitch black, dark all around me. I can't seem to find a way out. It is not my mind that is lost in this hole I've been digging for myself, it is but my heart. Surpressing feelings for a longer time makes it hard to deal with them when they do come out. I just want them to go away. "Love", it's a word to describe an emotion, a chemical reaction or an illusion? "Hate", is a harsh word to describe something we dislike or think we dislike? I don't know anymore. To be honest I feel lost. I have for a long time. I don't know where I stand with anyone. And worst of all, I can't do anything about it. I hear people talking to me, telling me thing's that are going on in their lives, and while listening to them, I'm trying to figure my own life out. Some say that when they've loved and lost, they can never have the same with someone else. It's true. And when it happens to you you fall down in this hole I'm in. Sometimes the other parts feelings about it isn't as stong as your's was. I know I'm not the only one feeling like this and some rubb it in without knowing they do it. But the truth is, all I want is to break free from it. To maybe even forget. And in the end I'll come back and say, "This is Erased, I promise not a trace". I just want to be free. Not feeling so alone inside, and not feeling like I was a total fool. I truly feel like I couldn't have been more stupid in life. But we all make mistakes right? I once said I wouldn't regret anything. But now I do, I regret it so hard it feels like the knife that is already inserted in my heart gets twisted everytime my heart beats. Need to let go. But why is it so hard? Is it cause you felt alright for once in your life? Like it was okay to be you? That it was okay that you needed help with some things? I don't know, whatever it is, I wish it would just go away and leave me be.
This is how I feel, what I've been thinking about for a long time. Don't critizice me for having feelings to. And don't blame me for having a mind of my own. I'm a person, not a toy. Not something you can just throw into a closet and pick out when you need someone to talk to if you feel lonely. This is me, take it or leave it. And if it doesn't fit you, the fuck off! I'm not gonna fucking change to fit into your fucking perfect little world that you've created in your mind. Life is harsh, deal with it. I am. Don't screw around with my head, don't try to control me. I have my own free will and emotions that can be hurt, I might just not tell you if you do hurt them. I don't like to make people feel guilty even if I sometimes do, I don't try to do it on purpose. I can be a very sarcastic person, but only if I get offended or if I'm in a good mood, which depends a lot on what I am sarcastic about. I have people I love in my life. People that I've let down so many time, but they're still there for me. I've been an ass to them, but they're still there for me no matter what. I love them with all my heart and I am truly sorry for what I've made them go through. I've also HAD and still have people in my life that I've come to love but been hurt by so badly it makes everything worthless.
I don't ask for much. I ask for the time to be listened to once in a while and not critiziced cause you feel like shit too. For that little time I can sit for days and listen to you whatever it is about.
I demand the right to be human and feel down once in a while WITHOUT having someone telling me how fucking pathetic I am cause I'm sad about something that might seem little to them but means a lot to me. While I sit and listen to them when they talk about how they've lost "everything" to them, I might have lost my will to live. Who will ever know if they don't take time and listen to what I have to say? I can be "suicidal" and tell people I want to die and that life is shit, but if I would have wanted to die, I would fucking done it a long time ago. I'm not saying it might not happen in the future. But I'm sure as hell not going to deny the fact that life has it's good moments, Even though they are clouded by dark memories sometimes.
To my friends that are actually there for me and care for me no matter what's going on for them or how shitty they feel, I love you guys and I will always be here for you no matter what!
To all the people that has told me they'll be there for me, then turned their back's on me, I'm sorry for the fact that you don't find me worthy of your time, but it's your loss.
