Babsy's blog: "Feelin a lil Shitty"

Each day seems as if its an eternity. Nathan has been gone now for 6 months. Sometimes it seems like its been forever since I seen my angel and other times it seems as if it were yesterday. The pain and hurt only seem to get worse. Some days Im okay other days I just dont want to get out of bed I dont want to face this world without him. I look at Matt and realize I have to hold on he needs me. If it werent for him I wouldnt be here I couldnt make it through this. I feel so very alone....

Why is life so unfair?? Why do children get sick with these awful diseases and die? Why my child?? I look back over the last two years of my life when it got turned upside down. It hurts. My son was diagnosed with embryonal rhabdomyosarcoma in December of 2004. He went through a year of chemo treatments. He had a month of radiation treatments. In December of 2005 they found a new spot on his bladder. It took them three months to do a biopsy and find out what it was. He was then diagnosed in March 2006 with Ectomesenchymoma. A very very rare type of cancer. There are only about 25-40 reported cases in the world. He was misdiagnosed. The doctors told me that he had that type of cancer all along. I blame so much of what has happened to Nathan on the hospital. In Sep of 2005 he almost bleed to death all because the lab techs didnt tell the doctors that his blood work was suspicious and he needed to come in. He almost died. Then the waiting three months to do a biopsy that couldve saved his life. Oh and then the day before Easter 2006 he was overdosed yeah overdosed at the hospital and almost died. After that Nathan wasnt the same. The tumors that were growing in his little body hurt him so bad that he had to be drugged up so much that all he did was sleep. The one thing he wanted in the whole world was a xbox 360 he got one for his make a wish but didnt even get to enjoy it. My heart hurts so bad. I miss my baby so very much. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and never wake up again.