I’m sitting here writing this because there’s a battle going on in my mind. The demons known as depression and lonelyness tear at the very fibor of my being.Depression is not a state of mind but a state of being that when coupled with lonelyness can drive the mind to the very peak of madness.
Dealth has been lerking in the shadows of my brain erged on by depression, the fight is so intence some times that I craw and lock myself away from those that I think care.
There are times someone will say a kind word and make me smile and feel like everything is alright, but then they will say something that will make me question the very reason for living.
I knew a young lady once, she fell in love with me and became my wife. She gave birth to two girls and we were a happy family untill that one morning seven years later when I was working out in LA. And I get a phone call saying she had past away the day befor. From that day on my life was never the same.
They say that god dose not give us things we can’t handle. I lost custedy of my daughters to my inlaws who inturn put them up for adoption and I have not seen them since.
If that is true what they say about god….when is enough, enough? What I would not give to have that last week I spent in Mytle Beach with my daughters once again.
My illness has left my weak and disabled. I can’t work, or do much of anything any more, seems I would be a burdon on anyone and so it has been said but not in so many words. These are the days I craw into the receses of my mind and wage war with the demons.
I’m faced with having to go to dialysis 3 times aweek soon, I don’t want to be that burdon I mentioned just befor so not sure how I’m going to get there. A transplant is at least a year or more away. One of my options is to refuse dyalysis and the demon that drives that thought is growing bigger.
I’m tired of being someone’s guest in their home, tomorrow I return to the comfines of my four walls I call my world, only venturing out now and then for some nerishment…nerishment, that’s a laugh, I’m not allow much of anything…to include protean, sodium or sugers, if the kidneys don’t kill me starvation will.
Life has no meaning any more but yet I look for it. Live has no hope, for if I was to servive the dialysis and kidney transplant I will then have to contend with finding a liver also.
Oh how I long for a simpler time, the younger days, the days of confidence and leadership. When in my mind I knew I was indistructable, to face fear and dealth in the eyes and laugh because when I sat in the pilot seat of my chopper I was a “GOD”!
I guess I’ll go craw back into bed and continue the fight in my head.
One thing that dose worry me is, since I have no family what will happen to my body once I’m gone?
"There a revolution in my head, all the lights are going dim it's getting realy dark in here.
Well I'm trying hard to find it walked the forrest but I saw no trees help me find my way please.
Well I beged and I borrowed, I got bloody hands and knees...
Can you tell me where is Eden please?
