Just for laughs

ABCDEFGHIJK...

2011-06-14T15:53:23-07:00

A B C D E F G H I J K

A wife asked her husband to describe her .....

He said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K".

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot".

She said: "Oh, that's so lovely. What about -- I, J, K?"

He said: "�I'm� Just� Kidding"

(Room 911 at St. Elsewhere Hospital if you want to visit him.)

Two Ladies in Heaven

2011-06-06T15:45:30-07:00

Two Ladies Talking in �Heaven

1st woman: � �Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: � Hi! Sylvia. �How'd you die?

1st woman: � �I froze to death.

2nd woman: � How horrible!

1st woman: � �It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What � about you?

2nd woman: � I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. � But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: � �So, what happened?

2nd woman: � I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. �Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. �I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: � Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
�
PRICELESS

The Raise

2011-05-04T16:17:18-07:00

The Raise
==========

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in.�� What can I do for you?

Employee:� Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of
this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss:� Yes.

Employee:� I won't beat around the bush.
Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after
me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:� A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is
just not the right time.

Employee:� I understand your position, and I know that the
current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,
but you must also take into consideration my hard work,
pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss:� Taking into account these factors, and considering I
don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a
ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss:� Before you go, just out of curiosity,
what companies were after you?

Employee:� Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company
and the Mortgage Company!

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-22T17:48:09-08:00

Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.................
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

6 Minute Management Course

2010-10-15T19:17:04-07:00

�� 6 Minute Management Course

�Lesson 1:

�A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
�
�The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
�
�When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
�
�Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
�
�
�After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
�
�
�The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
�
�When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
�
�'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
�
�'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

�Moral of the story:

�If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

�Lesson 2:

�A priest offered a Nun a lift..
�
�She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
�
�The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
�The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
�
�The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
�
�The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
�
�Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
�
�On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
�It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

�Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

�Lesson 3:

�A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
�
�They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
�
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
�
�'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
�
�Puff! He's gone.
�
�'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

�Moral of the story:
�Always let your boss have the first say.

�Lesson 4

�An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
�
�A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
�
�So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

�Moral of the story:
�To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

�Lesson 5

�A turkey was chatting with a bull.
�
�'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
�
�The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
�
�The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
�
�Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

�He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull S__t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

�Lesson 6

�A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
�
�While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
�
�As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
�
�He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
�Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

�Morals of the story:
�(1) Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.
�
�(2) Not everyone who gets you out of doo doo is your
�friend.

�(3) And when you're in deep doo doo, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

�
�THUS ENDS THE six MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE��

How fights get started...

2010-09-23T18:18:02-07:00

How Fights Get Started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started.....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it...... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started......

9 words women use

2008-09-03T04:31:59-07:00

This is sooooo true! 9 words women use (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever'). (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying FUCK YOU! (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Little Johnny

2007-05-15T18:59:13-07:00

> Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on >>> her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself >>> beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a >>> tissue. >>> >>> "What's the Matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in >>> class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and >>> 44?" >>> >>> Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!" >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local >>> police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the >>> 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and >>> asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the >>> policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." >>> >>> Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his >>> picture?" >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as >>> his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the >>> horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, >>> "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm >>> buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good >>> shape before I buy. >>> >>> Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy >>> Mom" >>> >>> >>> >>> If this brightened your day Don't let it stop here Pass it on with a >>> smile >>> keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends! They like >>> Johnny >>> too ya know!