tag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-790572008-07-10T15:19:12-07:00Humor...A fubar user blog.The Kink Factoryhttps://fubar.com/karmas_chyldnoreply@fubar.comfubartag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-79057.8326942008-07-10T15:19:12-07:002008-07-10T15:19:12-07:00Little Girl on a flight
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?The Kink Factoryhttps://fubar.com/karmas_chyldnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-79057.8132012008-06-15T10:38:58-07:002008-06-15T10:38:58-07:00The Pastor's AssCan't get much closer to the truth then this!
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day and keep smilin'!The Kink Factoryhttps://fubar.com/karmas_chyldnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-79057.7714622008-04-23T21:52:14-07:002008-04-23T21:52:14-07:00You know you're from the Pacific Northwest when... (According To Jeff Foxworthy)You know you're from the Pacific Northwest when... (According To Jeff Foxworthy)
1. You know the state flower (Mildew).
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats rather than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7 You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Tully's, and Caffé D’arté.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Snohomish, Yakima and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark - while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old pair after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).
30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them
The Kink Factoryhttps://fubar.com/karmas_chyldnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-79057.7021502008-02-09T13:56:03-08:002008-02-09T13:56:03-08:00The Human BodyThe Human Body
The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.
-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
-You use 200 muscles to take one step.
-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
-A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.
-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
-Your thumb is the same length as your nose.
The Kink Factoryhttps://fubar.com/karmas_chyldnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-79057.6859772008-01-23T12:40:20-08:002008-01-23T12:40:20-08:00GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain...Lobster?
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a
dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh,
you're a huge asshole.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're
just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN Recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already
doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go
nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip
up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just
some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I
just want to wash my hands!
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.'
'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
care in the first place.
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better
than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
'Do you want fries with that?'The Kink Factoryhttps://fubar.com/karmas_chyldnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-79057.6843142008-01-21T15:37:45-08:002008-01-21T15:37:45-08:00Bartenders Psychology:Keeping our different age groups (and taste buds) in mind, how accurate do you think this is? I can't wait to hear the comments. June "Bug"
Bartenders Psychology:
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink...
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.The Kink Factoryhttps://fubar.com/karmas_chyldnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-79057.6480262007-12-15T10:16:03-08:002007-12-15T10:16:03-08:00BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR - clever!BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR - clever!
GOT TO BE THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
Charlotte , North Carolina
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued... and WON!
(Stay with me.....) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance compa ny that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was co nvicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal & Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA ! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS.
The Kink Factoryhttps://fubar.com/karmas_chyldnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-79057.6324832007-12-03T15:04:54-08:002007-12-03T15:04:54-08:00Ummmm okI was on My fave alt lifestyle site and this add was on the side of the page ..... Am I the only on that finds it funny ?
Christian Kink connection
Ds,DD, fetish-kink-BDSM-Spanking-personals-dating
The Kink Factoryhttps://fubar.com/karmas_chyldnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-79057.6253752007-11-28T10:06:25-08:002007-11-28T10:06:25-08:00"Test for Dementia""Test for Dementia"
"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin.
WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water If you said "milk," please do not
attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is m ade from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????
If you said "glass," then! Go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors," then proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
The Kink Factoryhttps://fubar.com/karmas_chyldnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-79057.6231032007-11-26T17:12:42-08:002007-11-26T17:12:42-08:00From the VENUTIAN to MARTIAN DictionaryStole this from My Hubby's blog
From the VENUTIAN to MARTIAN Dictionary
1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the fuck up!
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying FUCK YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
The Kink Factoryhttps://fubar.com/karmas_chyldnoreply@fubar.com