tag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-168432009-02-26T19:03:40-08:00jokesA fubar user blog.SherBearhttp://firstname.lastname@example.org:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-16843.9801202009-02-26T19:03:40-08:002009-02-26T19:03:40-08:00Mommy Mother MomMOTHERS
Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils
are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough
doesn't come out of carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what
the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'
and get their answer when a little
voice says, 'Because I love you best.'
Real Mothers know that a child's growth
is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother...
The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the
figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
because that is the doorway to her heart,
the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she
shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!
Please send this to 5 Mom's today. SherBearhttp://email@example.com:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-16843.9388812008-12-18T21:26:11-08:002008-12-18T21:26:11-08:00 funny christmas carol lmaoTwas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs.
Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf.
This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"SherBearhttp://firstname.lastname@example.org:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-16843.9333162008-12-09T20:18:38-08:002008-12-09T20:18:38-08:00Nursery RhymesMary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you Dumb Ass'
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
SherBearhttp://email@example.com:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-16843.9319312008-12-08T00:11:15-08:002008-12-08T00:11:15-08:00A good one for the men to understand.'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
SherBearhttp://firstname.lastname@example.org:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-16843.9246442008-11-25T00:27:01-08:002008-11-25T00:27:01-08:00men & women and showers‏HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way,
cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something SO very wrong with you.
Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!
SherBearhttp://email@example.com:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-16843.9246382008-11-25T00:24:38-08:002008-11-25T00:24:38-08:00BUTT DUSTWhat is Butt Dust?
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine No adult is this creative!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....
this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment a very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to her mom and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles.... SherBearhttp://firstname.lastname@example.org:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-16843.9246352008-11-25T00:22:50-08:002008-11-25T00:22:50-08:00A REMINDER TO GET YOUR FLU SHOTBetter than a Flu Shot!
The church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister
noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the park a few months ago
and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
If you don't send this
to five GOOD friends
there will be
five fewer people
smiling in the world.SherBearhttp://email@example.com:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-16843.9213552008-11-19T22:17:09-08:002008-11-19T22:17:09-08:00Game WardenA game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just
kiss his ass and let him go!'
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have narry a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off of your thighs!SherBearhttp://firstname.lastname@example.org:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-16843.9213542008-11-19T22:13:10-08:002008-11-19T22:13:10-08:00MY LIVING WILL
MY LIVING WILL
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitchSherBearhttp://email@example.com:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-16843.9213522008-11-19T22:10:52-08:002008-11-19T22:10:52-08:00How to cook a Turkey17 Ways To Cook A Turkey
1. Go buy a turkey
2. Take a drink of whisky
3. Put turkey in the oven
4. Take another 2 drinks of whisky
5. Set the degree at 375 ovens
6. Take 3 more whiskys of drink
7. Turk the bastey
8. Whisky another bottle of get
9. Ponder the meat thermometer
10. Glass yourself a pour of whisky
11. Bake the whisky for 4 hours
12. Take the oven out of the turkey
13. Floor the turkey up off of the pick
14. Turk the carvey
15. Get yourself another scottle of botch
16. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
17. Bless the dinner and pass out
Thanksgiving turkey video
<a href="http://s28.photobucket.com/albums/c238/FireStarter66/morph%20pics/?action=view¤t=turkey_oven.gif" target="_blank"><img src="http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c238/FireStarter66/morph%20pics/turkey_oven.gif" border="0" alt="Photobucket" /></a>SherBearhttp://firstname.lastname@example.org