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Morganite's blog: "This is my life..."

created on 10/20/2007  |  http://fubar.com/this-is-my-life/b143796  |  1 followers

February 5, 2007

Well here I am telling you about another day in my life. Things are going good. But I'm not really sure how long that's going to last. I have some issues that I need to figure out what to do. I thought and hope that some you might can help me. Well, I'm in a relationship with someone that loves & adores me & my children. I do love him, but I don't feel that I'm still "in" love with him. There are things that I want that I know that he doesn't want. One of them is I want to get married someday, preferably before I turn 30. I want that stability of a family life for me and my children. I know that I can do good on my own. I've known that for years. I want for everyone to see what a beautiful bride that I'd make... hee hee... I want that spot light of attention for a minute. Plus I want for my dad to be able to give my hand in marriage & know how happy his only daughter is before he passes. He's not getting any younger. Hell, who is??? But I feel like I'm trapped. I don't want to break up with him because I want to pursue that dream. I look at it as what if I don't find that guy to fulfill my destiny... (whatever..) But I know that I tried. I have sacrificed my dream of a beautiful wedding on the beach to just be with someone that loves me for me and loves my children for being a part of me. Someone that is still bitter about his ex. That never wants to get married again because of what she did. I dont' want to live in that shadow. I'm not her. But then the other shoe drops... I met someone last summer. Didn't think a whole lot of it then. Actually didn't think that I would see him again. It just so happens that we like the same band... We have become friends. But the thing is, I can actually feel in my heart and see a future with him. It scares me so much. So, here I am at this fork in the road. Should I go left or right? I want to just ignore both of them and go straight ahead, but I can't. There's nothing ahead. The more that I talk to this guy the more I feel myself falling for him and I know that he's falling for me. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I am hurting myself. I don't know what to do. How can I leave someone that loves me so much, loves me for me, is good to me & my children. Hasn't done nothing really wrong. But yet, does not ever want to make the full commitment of getting married one day. Makes me feel as though I live in the shadow of the ex. Is still bitter. How can I leave a good man? And to be with someone that I can really talk to, closer to my age, have great conversation with, would want to fulfill my dreams and be happy with me. I dont' know. Please help me. I don't want to turn to Dr. Phil!!! lol. My heart breaks everyday. Because of this. I think that I need to leave it be and focus on working more so that I can just take off and have time to myself. If you can help me, please do. I jsut need some guidance, a sign... SOMETHING
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