I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I hate myself for what I'm thinking about. I don't know how I can even think it. I now know what it feels like though. I feel so trapt. I don't want to hurt anyone. I see some upside but yet the downside and the worst is what I fear. What is she talking about, you may ask? I have a bf that I love, but I'm falling for someone else that I can actually see a future with and it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be hurt. But yet I feel so selfish. Maybe I should take some time and try to figure out what I really want. I thought being with someone would make me happy. But being with the one I'm with doesn't really give me the fulfilled meaning that I need. I feel just as alone as I felt when I was just single. We don't live together. He actually lives about 100 miles from me and we see each other about 2 - 3 times a month, maybe. I want more. I want to be able to see someone more than that. To feel the passion that I long for and desire. I don't know. Maybe I should just chalk it up and get over it and leave my dream of the future life to burn in the internal flames of hell. I don't want to, but what choice do I have? I hate myself so much for being so contradictary. I feel like that song by Earl Thomas Conley, "Holding Her & Loving You". Well except it's him and a her... lol. 'He's been good to me when things weren't going right' "If he would give me one good reason, I'd be gone, but he hasn't done one thing wrong." 'So don't expect me to just walk out of the door." I don't know. I'm not "in love" with the other person, but I feel the feeling & could see a future with him. I had a dream about him last night. It was a 1st kiss and it was so real and passionate. It feels right, but so wrong... I'm a dumb ass. I mean, why should I leave a guy that loves me for me and loves my kids so much. And cares so much for me. I have no reason to. I suppose the fact that I want more, could be. But why push an issue like that when you love someone. You should love them no matter what decision they have made, right? He doesn't want to get married. I would really like to. I know it may not be all that, but I want my dad to be able to give his only daughter's hand in marriage to a good man. Well either that or shoot the hell out him... Either way... lol I don't think that I'm selfish anyway. After I had my daughter, which is my 2nd child. I was asked if I wanted to have my tubes tied. I said no. My thought at that time was "I'm going to eventually find someone that really wants to be with me and have a future with me and might want a child with me." Some fucking thought, huh?
