As i sit here in this chair listening a slow jam, I'm starting to think of what life has been like for me as far. It all started when i went back and read all the post blogs i wrote and reflecting on past memories. I know a person shouldn't dwell on the past but, i can't help it. its what i have and can never shake. I'm reminded of people i miss, time i gave love only to not receive in return. what I've gained and lost. And who i came from having trust for any and everyone to watching everyone with a hawk eye. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night, getting in my car and just driving and listening to the same song over and over again. On the outside, I'm happy, smiling all the time. but for really on the inside I'm angry and i don't know why. my life is going okay, I got a nice place to lay my head, food in my stomach, and a car. so what the fuck is up? What I'm i really missing in my life? I really feel that its past bullshit that's fucking with me. But see, the fucked up thing is you really can't talk to any mothafucka about it and except them to understand. And no, I was never touched in the wrong way or beaten as a child. but its just shit that I've just happen to walk into and haven't really shaken off me. Did you know that "Fear" is a sin? yup, its true and this is my biggest sin i can't get off my back. I go on everyday trying to be rid of my fear. but it has its way of getting back up and hitting me with an upper cut. But time after time i ask myself what am i afraid? caring for another person only to be hood winked at the end, trusting someone only to have it missed used, allowing myself to walk into what i think is all good only to have it blow up in my face and once again come close to losing everything I've built with my own to hands? I don't want my life problems to turn into a "Razor". A razor who can be used to hurt those who i love, care, or is about to get to know. or myself. In other words is you don't under stand what I'm say, "Cold hearted". But the show must go on for me. I make it my mission to get up, get out and put my best foot forward despite how i feel on the inside. despite the haters that surround me everyday, i still must put me best foot forward. will i get over my fear? one day i hope.
NOBS
