Last night, for the first time, I felt fear for my personal safety. (And this was after the fun part of the evening, D, so this isn't you.) I don't mean the generalized fear that all women feel alone on a dark street, or when trying to find their car in a dark parking lot. No, I mean, actual fear in a specific situation.
I've lead a sheltered life, I admit it. I've lived in middle class suburbs. I went to a fancy private college where we were hidden away from the world, and the most we had to worry about was whether the caf was going to serve us something scary today. I've been in situations where sex I consented to felt awful and bad, and I felt used. But I had never in my life before felt that the word "No" had a possibility of being ineffective.
This was a guy whose company I enjoyed. I knew he wanted me sexually, but I thought that clearly setting expectations would be enough. And it very nearly wasn't. Oh, repeated yelling of "No" and a knee where he didn't want it eventually woke him up, and he was chagrined and upset at his behavior. Still, it was a very scary awakening for me.
That, along with the repeated abuse I endure online, made me re-evaluate how I choose to present myself online. Do not get me wrong -- I think that I, with my stash, blogs, and profile, present myself as a whole, well-rounded person, and my sexuality is only part of that. I am in NO way blaming myself for this situation. The problem is, in the end, how the men online choose to interpret that presentation of sexuality.
I am tired of men whose first words to me are, "ur hot, id fuck ya" or "how big are your boobs?" or "i want cunt shots." I'm tired of being treated like my sole function is as a masturbatory object. It seems that many of you (and probably not the ones reading this blog) can only view the women on here as amateur porn, and we as people do not matter. I posted NSFW pics because I am proud of of myself as a sexual person, and because sex can be such glorious fun. But it isn't fun for me anymore. I don't take pleasure in total strangers who comment those pics with gross comments, or graphics of cum spurts. It sullies what should be a beautiful thing.
To that end, I have removed my NSFW photos from here. If you are in my family or fan-of list, and you'd like to still see them, I can make other arrangements. If you are not on my family list, or I'm not your fan, and if you whine to me about it, you will only annoy me, and repeated whining will lead to me blocking you.
There are many people on here who do treat me as a person. Who treat me with respect. Who talk to me as if I'm a whole, interesting person who matters. They deserve to share in all of who I am. The problem is the other assholes. The ones that seem to think that women online are here only for their sexual gratification. I'm sorry that those assholes ruined it for the rest of you.
