AS MY SON IS NOW GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL, THE SUBJECT OF COLLEGE AND WHAT HE SHOULD STUDY HAS BEEN A HOT TOPIC OF OUR RECENT CONVERSATIONS. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY HEARING ABOUT A RECENT DISCUSSION ON THE SUBJECT …….HE STOPPED BY MY WORK, THE OTHER DAY, AND SAID HE WAS STILL THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE. (WHAT A LIE!!!!.......THE ONLY THINGS HE THINKS ABOUT ARE BEER, LOUD MUSIC AND SEX, BUT AS THESE THINGS ARE CLOSELY RELATED TO COLLEGE, I GAVE HIM MY TAKE ON THE SUBJECT)
"COLLEGE IS BASICALLY A BUNCH OF ROOMS WHERE YOU SIT FOR ROUGHLY 2,000 HOURS AND TRY TO MEMORIZE THINGS. THE 2,000 HOURS ARE SPREAD OUT OVER 4 YEARS, SO YOU CAN SPEND THE REST OF YOUR TIME THERE DRINKING, SLEEPING AND TRYING TO GET DATES." "BASICALLY, YOU LEARN 2 KINDS OF THINGS IN COLLEGE....1) THINGS YOU WILL NEED TO KNOW LATER IN LIFE (2 HOURS). THESE INCLUDE HOW TO MAKE COLLECT TELEPHONE CALLS AND HOW TO GET BEER AND CREPE-PAPER STAINS OUT OF YOUR PAJAMAS."…..2) THINGS YOU WILL NOT NEED TO KNOW LATER IN LIFE (1,998 HOURS). THESE ARE THE THINGS YOU LEARN IN CLASSES WHOSE NAMES END IN -OLOGY-, -OSOPHY-, -ISTRY-, -ICS-, AND SO ON.
THE IDEA IS, YOU MEMORIZE THESE THINGS, THEN WRITE THEM DOWN IN LITTLE EXAM BOOKS, THEN FORGET THEM. IF YOU FAIL TO FORGET THEM, YOU BECOME A PROFESSOR AND HAVE TO STAY IN COLLEGE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO FORGET EVERYTHING. FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, I HAD TO MEMORIZE -- DON'T ASK ME WHY -- THE NAMES OF 3 METAPHYSICAL POETS OTHER THAN JOHN DONNE. I HAVE MANAGED TO FORGET ONE OF THEM, BUT I STILL REMEMBER THAT THE OTHER TWO WERE NAMED VAUGHAN AND CRASHAW. SOMETIMES, WHEN I AM TRYING TO REMEMBER SOMETHING IMPORTANT........LIKE WHETHER I LIKE TUNA PACKED IN OIL OR WATER, VAUGHAN AND CRASHAW JUST POP UP IN MY MIND, RIGHT THERE IN THE SUPERMARKET. IT'S A TERRIBLE WASTE OF BRAIN CELLS.
THEN, AFTER YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE A YEAR OR SO, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE A MAJOR, WHICH IS THE SUBJECT YOU INTEND TO MEMORIZE AND FORGET THE MOST THINGS ABOUT. HERE IS A VERY IMPORTANT PIECE OF ADVICE, SON. BE SURE TO CHOOSE A MAJOR THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE KNOWN FACTS OR RIGHT ANSWERS. THIS MEANS YOU MUST *NOT* MAJOR IN MATHEMATICS, PHYSICS, BIOLOGY, OR CHEMISTRY, BECAUSE THESE SUBJECTS INVOLVE ACTUAL FACTS.
IF, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU MAJOR IN MATHEMATICS, YOU'RE GOING TO WANDER INTO CLASS ONE DAY AND THE PROFESSOR WILL SAY: "DEFINE THE COSIGN INTEGER OF THE QUADRANT OF A RHOMBOID BINARY AXIS, AND EXTRAPOLATE YOUR RESULT TO 5 SIGNIFICANT VERTICES." IF YOU DON'T COME UP WITH EXACTLY THE ANSWER THE PROFESSOR HAS IN MIND, YOU FAIL......SIMPLE AS THAT. THE SAME IS TRUE FOR CHEMISTRY. IF YOU WRITE IN YOUR EXAM BOOK THAT CARBON AND HYDROGEN COMBINE TO FORM OAK, YOUR PROFESSOR WILL FLUNK YOU. HE WANTS YOU TO COME UP WITH THE SAME ANSWER HE AND ALL THE OTHER CHEMISTS HAVE AGREED UPON. SCIENTISTS ARE EXTREMELY SNOTTY ABOUT THIS.
SO YOU SHOULD MAJOR IN SUBJECTS LIKE ENGLISH, PHILOSOPHY, PSYCHOLOGY, OR SOCIOLOGY..... SUBJECTS IN WHICH NOBODY REALLY UNDERSTANDS WHAT ANYBODY ELSE IS TALKING ABOUT, AND WHICH INVOLVE VIRTUALLY NO ACTUAL FACTS. NOW, I ATTENDED CLASSES IN ALL OF THESE SUBJECTS, SO I WILL GIVE YOU A QUICK OVERVIEW OF EACH.
ENGLISH.....THIS INVOLVES WRITING PAPERS ABOUT LONG BOOKS YOU HAVE READ LITTLE SNIPPETS OF JUST BEFORE CLASS. HERE IS A TIP ON HOW TO GET GOOD GRADES ON YOUR ENGLISH PAPERS. NEVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A BOOK THAT ANYBODY WITH ANY COMMON SENSE WOULD SAY. FOR EXAMPLE, SUPPOSE YOU ARE STUDYING MOBY DICK. ANYBODY WITH ANY COMMON SENSE WOULD SAY THAT MOBY DICK IS A BIG, WHITE WHALE. I MEAN, HELL, THE CHARACTERS IN THE BOOK REFER TO HIM AS A BIG WHITE WHALE ABOUT 11,000 TIMES. SO IN YOUR PAPER, YOU SAY MOBY DICK IS ACTUALLY THE REPUBLIC OF IRELAND. YOUR PROFESSOR, WHO IS SICK TO DEATH OF READING PAPERS AND NEVER LIKED MOBY DICK ANYWAY, WILL THINK YOU ARE ENORMOUSLY CREATIVE. IF YOU CAN REGULARLY COME UP WITH LUNATIC INTERPRETATIONS OF SIMPLE STORIES, YOU SHOULD MAJOR IN ENGLISH.
PHILOSOPHY....BASICALLY, THIS INVOLVES SITTING IN A ROOM AND DECIDING THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS REALITY AND THEN GOING TO LUNCH. YOU SHOULD MAJOR IN PHILOSOPHY IF YOU PLAN TO TAKE A LOT OF DRUGS.
PSYCHOLOGY.....THIS INVOLVES TALKING ABOUT RATS AND DREAMS. PSYCHOLOGISTS ARE OBSESSED WITH RATS AND DREAMS. I ONCE SPENT AN ENTIRE SEMESTER TRAINING A RAT TO PUNCH LITTLE BUTTONS IN A CERTAIN SEQUENCE, THEN TRAINING MY ROOMMATE TO DO THE SAME THING. THE RAT LEARNED MUCH FASTER. MY ROOMMATE IS NOW A DOCTOR. IF YOU LIKE RATS OR DREAMS, AND ABOVE ALL, IF YOU DREAM ABOUT RATS, YOU SHOULD MAJOR IN PSYCHOLOGY.
SOCIOLOGY......FOR SHEER LACK OF INTELLIGIBILITY, SOCIOLOGY IS FAR AND AWAY THE NUMBER 1 SUBJECT. I SAT THROUGH HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF SOCIOLOGY, READ GOBS OF SOCIOLOGY WRITING, YET NEVER ONCE READ OR HEARD A COHERENT STATEMENT. THIS IS BECAUSE SOCIOLOGISTS WANT TO BE CONSIDERED SCIENTISTS, SO THEY SPEND MOST OF THEIR TIME TRANSLATING SIMPLE, OBVIOUS OBSERVATIONS INTO SCIENTIFIC SOUNDING CODE. IF YOU PLAN TO MAJOR IN SOCIOLOGY, YOU'LL HAVE TO LEARN TO DO THE SAME THING. FOR EXAMPLE, SUPPOSE YOU HAVE OBSERVED THAT CHILDREN CRY WHEN THEY FALL DOWN. YOU SHOULD WRITE.... METHODOLOGICAL OBSERVATION OF THE SOCIOMETRICAL BEHAVIOR TENDENCIES OF PREMATURED ISOLATES INDICATES THAT A CASUAL RELATIONSHIP EXISTS BETWEEN GROUNDWARD TROPISM AND LACHRIMATORY BEHAVIOR FORMS. IF YOU CAN KEEP THIS UP FOR 50 OR 60 PAGES, YOU WILL GET LARGE GOVERNMENT GRANTS. JUST THINK SON, YOU COULD BE THE VERY FIRST PERSON EVER TO GET A NOBEL PRIZE FOR SOCIOLOGY.
AS FOR ME, SON, I MAJORED IN LIBERAL ARTS..... OH, WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH YOUR BIG MAC??
