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Clifford’s Funeral Home Sunday March 2001 11:00am Taylor stood inside the door every time she got close to escape for a few minutes of private time something or someone brought her back into the main room. She was suffocating, so many faces passing by her most had no clue what was really going on. They were there to mourn the death of a young man gone before what they believed to be his time. Looking around she never felt so alone. Her sister and her mother sat at the front of the room oblivious to all that had happened, all that was said. Lynn stood strong accepting the false promises given to her from Taylor’s family. She realized growing up a lot of them said what they needed to, to justify there actions for the past. The display Taylor had seen that afternoon disgusted her, their family was unable for one day to set aside petty differences to say good-bye to someone they all claimed to love and yet, never attempted to see. Her Aunt Trisha and the youngest of her mothers siblings sat behind her sister and riling her at Collin’s every move, upsetting her more then was necessary. Taylor had talked to Collin prior to the funeral. She had guaranteed them all he was not going to make an attempt to use this great loss as a way to get back into his youngest daughters life. But none of them listened, instead they ignored it all and upset her sister more. Taylor shot her Aunt a look of anger and warning, whether she saw it or not didn’t matter one day she would know what she did only made matters worse. One day they all would know. The youngest of her mothers siblings was not the only one who behaved childishly and selfishly that day. All but on showed there true colors, her Aunt Helen declared her own secret desires to kill herself while standing next to her mother, her Uncle Patrick was throwing cold glares toward everyone present who was related to his once brother-n-law. Taylor hid from it all, searching the faces for Bryan, he had been so supportive and just seeing his comforting smile made her believe she could get through it all okay, then it happened. “Get the hell away from me.” Helen said as Jaqueline approached to offer her sympathy’s. Taylor spun around unsure she even heard it, but when Jaqueline headed for the door and Helen held her head down in obvious shame she knew it did and that was all she could take. “How dare you!” She yelled unaware that she wasn’t only thinking it, but actually yelling it. “How dare all of you!” She screamed again turning to make sure they all knew it wasn’t not only directed to her aunts. “Taylor.” Collin said stepping toward her. “No, don’t. Don’t Taylor me.” “Taylor.” Her grandmother echoed, “What is wrong with you?” Taylor looked to her mom, she aged so much, her once vibrant face stained with sorrow, her sister still crying cradled in Paul’s arms. “Your all so blind, this changes nothing. None of you will learn from this, none of you.” Taylor said finally fleeing the funeral home, she ran as hard as she could. Unwilling to allow the pain in her chest to daunt her from her final escape. She didn’t stop running until Bryan pulled up beside her in his jeep. “Get in Taylor.” Taylor’s House 12:30 Taylor ignored the blinking light on her answering machine she was sure they belonged to someone from the funeral disappointed in her actions, she didn’t care, she had had enough they knew nothing, they would never care. Bryan sat down on the couch, unsure of what to say. “It’s okay to be mad Taylor, it shows you care.” “Care, why should I care.” Taylor asked turning to face Bryan. “Did he care when he hung himself?” Taylor walked out into the darkened kitchen. “People keep telling me it’s normal...” Taylor continued when she felt Bryan’s gaze on her back, turning to him again Bryan noticed the anger in her face soften at a passing thought, then return just as quickly. “It’s okay Taylor, it’s natural to be angry Taylor.” She mimicked. To Bryan’s surprise her voice of calm and unwavering. “Well I AM angry.” When Taylor’s face cringed with pain and her tears burst from her eyes Bryan didn’t know what to do, he knew she needed to let go, but did he need to offer advice? Her sudden shouting caught her off guard and he had no choice but to stand and bare witness to Taylor’s heart breaking. “I hate him!” Taylor turned and leaned against the counter, her back to Bryan, and her head down. “My brother spent his life demanding everything from everyone and balked at the thought that common courtesy should be given in return. His whole life he turned to violence as a way to solve problems that a mere threat could not accomplish. I don’t ever remember hearing the words please or thank you come from him, unless directed at my grandmother...and even then the words came out from his mouth like poison, if he swallowed them he might not survive.” Bryan became unnerved at Taylor’s words. She stood stiff and her voice so calm and filled with grief. “Did you know, my GRANDMOTHER told me I needed to be strong for my mom, my sister, and Lynn. “No.” Bryan said barley above a whisper. “What about me! Huh, who was strong for me, why didn’t I get to cry, why did I have to be the strong one?” She asked demanding an answer Bryan couldn’t give her. “Taylor you have to do for you, what you need to do.” He offered stepping closer to her. When she backed away as far as she could and turned back away from him he stopped. “What I have to do Bryan is go to my grave with a secret so horrible it would break my mothers heart to know, and yet tears apart my soul a little more each time I hide my true feelings. Each time I’m STRONG for my mother.” Taylor finally turned to look at Bryan, her face read from tears that Bryan didn’t notice form. “Taylor, there must have been good times.” “Oh there were....few, but not enough to out way the bad.” “Taylor...” When Taylor held up her hand Bryan stopped speaking. “My BROTHER, in his last hour of life, KISSED his three children GOOD-BYE, undaunted by conscious thoughts that his two year old daughter would grow up wondering why her daddy abandoned her, instead of sticking threw it to help her achieve what she is DESTINED to achieve. Without the conscious thought that the two step he wanted to ADOPT and give his last name to might wonder how come they were so BAD that not only did one daddy leave them but TWO. Without these thoughts daunting his sheer and thoughtless determination he climbed to his and his wives second story bedroom, blocked the door using two dressers and a BENCH, so that no matter how hard his wife banged and begged she could not get in to stop him.” Taylor took a step forward to signal that what she was going to say next could not be missed. “Then, instead of telling his wife he LOVED her and would MISS her, he BLAMED her for everything. HE BLAMED her for his pain, MEDICAL, HEART, and HEAD. He told her thing MIGHT different only if...” Taylor slammed her palms on the counter, FOR ONE HOUR he made her BEG. SHE BEGGED AND PLEADED AND PLEADED AND BEGGED. SHE DECLARED HER UNDYING DEVOTION FOR HIM AND HE MADE HER BEG!” Taylor broke down the walls to the dam inside her heart allowing the pain to spill out into the quiet of her home, her tears finally falling down her cheeks staining the thin silk shirt with drops of furry. “He made her beg.” She whispered, then to his amazement as quickly as they began to fall the tears stopped. “So why should I care? Why should I mourn him, or miss him. Why should I miss someone so selfish?” Taylor bowed her head. “HE was not on the other end of the phone when his mother cried out with an ear shattering howl at the knowledge she would be burring her eldest child, and only son, her first born bundle of joy.” Raising her face to his for the first time seeing actual pain and sorrow in her deep green eyes. He knew what was coming next. “I was.” She whispered. “I was and that is something I now have to live with for the rest of my life. “Taylor I wish I could say I understand, but I can’t.” Bryan said trying to be helpful but feeling awkward. “No one can understand...Bryan...this voice in my head...”Taylor said pointing to her temple. “will not go away. Every time I close my eyes to sleep it screams at me in the darkened night. It will NEVER - NEVER go away. Even in his death his memory haunts me. I still feel like I’m cleaning up after his thoughtless nature.” Taylor bowed her head again grabbing her purse she calmly walked to the door. Opening it she turned back to Bryan before leaving. “No parent should burry a child. No matter who, no matter what, no matter why. The burden should be on our shoulders, not theirs.” She said disappearing into the afternoon sunlight, leaving Bryan standing in the middle of her living room confused on whether he offered any real comfort to her. He knew she needed time alone, but deep down he worried about her, and wondered if he should follow. He decided in the end to wait for her return.
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