Okay.
I have to preface this with a comment/explaination.
No, I did not write this. It comes from a friend in Texas. As far as I know, they are not into the type of activities suggest herein. I believe this was blogged on their site because it does make a powerful statement about body image and how certain people (refferenced in the title) are perceived in society.
Now on with the blog:
Fat Women, Body Image, & Sexual Politics in the BDSM Scene
By Sensuous Sadie..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
My name is Sadie and I'm fat. That is, fat and beautiful. Zaftig. Rubenesque. Soft and cuddly, and really fun to hug. I am a size 24, and in general, if you don't like it, you can lump it. It helps that I am also in fabulous shape with calves of steel and six pack abs (which can't be seen under my tummy, but I know they're there)
This is a little bit about me and a lot about everyone who has body image issues. It's a lot about women, and a little about men. It's about how I came to love my body, and also how body image and self-esteem function in the D/s context. When I started thinking about writing this piece, I wasn't sure if I had anything useful to say. After all, as my friend Elizabeth told me "you have the best body image of anyone I know, thin or fat."
The story of how I got here doesn't have a lot to do with BDSM, so I won't go into excess detail. Suffice it to say that once upon a time I was addicted to food and hated my body. In my mid 20's I went to Overeaters Anonymous and made friends with Nicole, another addict who happened to be a size five, but who also ate her chicken pot pies half frozen because she couldn't wait for them to bake fully. She was also one hell of a snappy dresser. Nicole taught me that self-hatred is an equal opportunity force of destruction for both fat and thin women, not to mention how to be one hell of a snappy dresser.
Is The BDSM Scene Any Different Than Vanilla Life?
Some years later I entered the BDSM lifestyle pretty much at peace with those issues. I don't have any research basis for this, but there does seem to be more plus-sized women in the scene. Perhaps they are attracted in greater numbers because their size is less of an issue than what they have to offer through their submission or their domination.
The scene offers some wonderful things that the vanilla world does not. The biggest one is that due to numbers alone, way more men than women, I could have been a complete ass, a total bitch, or a whining doormat and I still would have had no shortage of Dominants a'knocking at my door. While I have never found it particularly difficult to find lovers in the vanilla world, in the BDSM world they're lined up on the doorstep. Before ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Vermont even had a D/s community, I posted a personals ad in alt.personals.bondage and over a few years met and went out with no less than 40 Dominants. Is this because I'm God's gift to men? As much as I'd like to think so, it's unlikely. There some are very real differences which account for this phenomenon.
While we come from all walks of life, BDSMers all have a love for the alternative. We are not people who spend every Wednesday night engaged in military-style intercourse. We love passion, the power exchange, and the magic of sexual self-expression. This attitude translates, generally speaking, into a more open-minded attitude toward size, not to mention age, gender, race, and orientation. When I look for a Dominant, I'm looking less at his career path, and more for his ability to know himself and control me. When I look for a Submissive, I'm looking less for his economic viability, and more for his capacity to be vulnerable, for his emotional stability. Looks are nice, and heaven knows I like to have a hot trophy Submissive hanging on my leash, but the bottom line is that after a scene, I want to be able to connect with this person on a deeper level. After the party, I want to be able to cuddle up with them over a bowl of popcorn and watch Arsenic and Old Lace.
Unlike our vanilla friends who rarely see large naked bodies, we have many opportunities through play parties and demos to look at, get used to, and eventually admire the soft curves of fat people. It is at first astounding, and then liberating to see a large man or woman walk around a play party stark naked, proud of their body, fully loved. It's hard not to like someone who likes herself so much.
How To Get Over It
The thing about body issues is that everyone has them, women and men, thin and fat, you and me. After all, if I never had any body issues, the world would not need me to be an activist for size acceptance. If you want to get over self-criticism, here are some things you can try. Start by communicating with your body, using affirmations to find the beautiful parts about yourself, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Listen to what your body has to say, and respect your own path. This is the foundation of self-love. If you love yourself, loving your body will follow.
On the practical side, go to some play parties or other public situations where you will be able to observe people of all sizes and shapes enjoying themselves. Replace any critical thoughts in your head with positive ones about the beauty of their bodies, whether it be good skin, soft curves, great butt to spank, strong muscles, or wonderful handfuls of breasts. Talk to your friends about what beautiful thing you saw in this larger person. If it's not a physical attribute, notice their courage for playing in public, their love of their own body, or their unself-consciousness. For the female Dominant, size can be an advantage, projecting a powerful physical presence which attracts Submissives. If you have this advantage, use it.
Invite some friends over and do a little play under more controlled conditions. You'll be able to see how it feels to share your fears with people you trust. Here again, you don't need to bare it all. Think about the parts of your body you like best and start with those. For example, I feel most confident about my breasts, waist and legs. So when I first played in public I wore a short skirt, but bared the rest of me. When I played with one Submissive who was shy about his tummy (he wasn't fat, but he didn't work out and was a bit soft there), I had him bare his ass and penis, both very fine, but allowed him to wear a tank top. Showing this kind of love and care for his feelings also helped him to come to terms with his body.
I found I felt more confident when my friends and/or play partners were also plus-sized. Over time I discovered play partners who weren't fat themselves, but who appreciated my body nevertheless for its strength, flexibility, health, and energy.
When you are ready, consider doing some public play at a party. You do not have to go whole hog and strut around nekkid. Take some trusted friends along and give it a try.
Work out! There is nothing like the confidence and strength that comes from being in good shape. While we should all be respected regardless of our size, it's much harder for people to criticize me knowing that 1. I'm in better shape than they are, and that 2. I can kick their butt.
Wear sexy clothes. The best part about Scene parties is the opportunity to dress like a slut. Scene events are one of the few places where you can wear revealing, sexy, exotic clothing, and have it be appreciated. Show off your best attribute. Have you ever seen me in a high necked shirt or a long skirt? Looking good translates to feeling good. Dress not because you feel you should, but because showing off your body will increase your confidence. Also known as fake it till you make it.
Lastly if you like yourself and your body act like it. Talk about body image to your friends. Dress well. Take care of your body. Be a role model.
The Big Picture
This is my theory about men and body size:
25% of men love Plus Sized Women Like Me! One vanilla, but aggressive lover in the midst of fucking my brains out, whispered "those guys who like skinny women don't know what they're missing!" A New Hampshire Dominant says, "I prefer larger Submissives. There's more flesh to play with and I don't have to worry so much about hitting bones." Another scene player says "Personally, I find the sight of a voluptuous woman bound tightly much more stirring than a slim woman. It is much more gratifying to spank a well-rounded bottom than a skinny one."
25% do not Notice Body Size At All. One Dominant said to me, "I get so irritated with these Submissives who talk about and criticize their bodies all the time. It makes me focus on the negative things about them, and to be honest, I really just do not care about whether or not they have a tummy or not, or have big thighs or not, or whatever. I just don't look at people that way."
25% prefer Slimmer Woman, But Are Open To Loving People For Who They Are, Not What They Look Like. Another Dominant said to me "I've been with big women and small women and it doesn't matter what size they are, so much as their personality and whether or not they're fun to be with in and out of bed."
25% only Date Thin Women. One Submissive said about her partner "Recently as we were walking with our arms about each other, he commented 'the world is backwards.' He does not like the fact that I am not small enough to throw around the bed the way he would like."
100% of them are irritated by women who harp on their bodies and constantly put themselves down.
I know three Dominants who only get involved with thin women. Does it irk me? You bet it does, and at some level it limits our friendship. I need to know that my friends celebrate me in the same way I celebrate myself. I'm not saying each of us shouldn't be allowed to have our preferences, but to insist on one particular body type seems childish and closed-minded to me. I also don't go out with men who only date plus-sized women. That's just as ridiculous. I choose my men for their ability to be emotionally grounded, spiritually present, and engaged with life.
In any case, I'm still left with 75% of the men, so I say to hell with the ones who are stuck on size. In addition to my fat self, my zaftig self, my Rubenesque self, I am so much more. I am passion, joy, and spirituality. I am strength and weakness, Dominance and submission, taking and yielding. I am a whole person first, a fat woman second, and, I am really fun to hug.
