People put a lot of faith in figures...Jesus for example. Lotsa people putting a lot of faith in Jesus. And for good reason....he was good guy. You know the kinda guy that would stop and pick you up if you ran out of gas. He inspired a lot of trends. First off...Hippies are still wearing those sandals he wore and just about every in heavy metal at one point had the same hair cut and beard cut as Jesus. Now that being all good we all talk about when Jesus comes back. Especially Christians...they love to talk about when Jesus is coming back, But before we talk about that let's talk about his day. Jesus was a bit of a celebrity in his day and just like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan (Or LiLo as those of us close to her call her) Or Benaffangelinanistinavaughnaffleck (for those of you that are pop culture impaired the last was a reference to celebrity name pairing) so some of the press he got was good and some was bad.... you know, Mary Magdalin dumps Jesus for his frequent trips to strip clubs in Montréal...Jessica Simpson has her heart broken by Jesus, that sorta thing. So you kinda gotta feel bad for the guy but then again maybe you get what you ask for. Ask the last dude that said he was Jesus...his name was David Koresh....if you don't know who he is...Lets just say the US Government set him on fire in the early nineties. Literally set him on fire.
Anyway Jesus coming back, everyone thinks that if he came back Jesus would be a preacher or a spiritual leader of some sort.... He wouldn't not at all...Are you ready for this...Jesus would be.... A gangsta Rapper (yes I said gangsta instead of gangster, I got street cred like that). I know what you are thinking...Rog...How do you keep your hair so bouncy and shiny. Ok Maybe that's not what you are thinking. You are thinking.... WTF...Jesus a Gangsta Rapper.... Rog You have gone to far this time. But if you think about it, Jesus and gangsta rappers have led parallel lives. Lets look at some of the finer points.
1. Jesus and Rappers both come from ethnic groups that are historically discriminated against...Jesus was a Jew and most rappers are black. Wait am I allowed to say black? I get confused sometimes I almost had an aneurysm trying to determine whether I should say oriental or Asian. Can't we all just be human? (That was my Oscar clip)
2. Jesus's Mom was pregnant and she was married to a guy who wasn't the baby's father. That would have been a great Maury Povich Episode.... In the matter of the infant king... Joseph...You are NOT the father.
3. Jesus never met his real dad until he was famous...then his dad wanted to be all up in his business and trying to manage his career.
4. He always had a bunch of guys and a prostitute around. Now the Entourage Jesus had actually carries on its name...now it has been shortened. What was the group of people Jesus ran with called....anyone? That's Right APOSTLES.... Now what is the group of people a rapper runs with called? A POSSE...Get it APOSTLES and A POSSE...Its right there in black and white.... Keep up people I don't have all day.
5. My final argument...Most gangsta rappers have been in Jail and every time someone goes to Jail who do they find....Jesus That's right. Even Michael Vick, Pot Smoking, Dog Fighting Ball Hog Michael Vick Found Jesus and he haven't gone to Jail yet.
Now Jesus and Gangsta Rappers were treated exactly the same by society. When Jesus first started out he was controversial, influential, he was revered for his rebelliousness and for his honesty about the plight of his people. And the powers that be whether it was the Romans or the LAPD where amused. But as soon as either one of them started to influence white kids in suburban Rome or Idaho...they had to firkin go. So Jesus was killed off.....so lets spill a bit of our 40 oz on the ground for our dead homies....
Tu Pac, Biggie, Jam Master Jay and Jesus.....ohh and seriously anytime someone gives a salute to dead musicians Lets give some serious love to M.C. Hammer.....what...what did you say? ohh he is still alive....Damn Sorry Hammer...I will continue not to touch that.....
and so as the new saftey officer at 3 mile island said........"Hey bob....what does this button do?"
