10-9-05 Morning
What else can you do but worry? Suddenly, your mind clears and the haze lifts from your head. All of a sudden you can think right and everything is making sense. You don't want to live your life like this, up and down all the time, not one shred of stability in your life, not even one thing that's concrete but your feelings, and even then your feelings are flight at best, seemingly not there at worse. All that you hold dear and nearest to your heart are just like a dream...so close but so far, so good feeling that it can't be real. Pinch me, wake me up, tell me all this isn't really happening. Fix my problems, help me recover. "I can't help you but I can support you," they say and all I can do is say OK and make sure that nothing comes between us. Every other feeling just isn't the same ever again, don't let our love die. Am I dreaming again? Why does time have to change everything? Nothing ever stays the way you want it to. I guess variety really is the spice of life. You could say my life is quite spicey after all. Oh well, atleast things I know will never stay UNinteresting.
Sometimes it's like my body is trying to run away from itself. The feeling is so scary, and you don't know what to do but lay there feeling lost and alone. ALl the times you felt loved are nothing more than memories and a dream-vision that is so surreal it blows your mind. The person you love most is so close but feels so far away. All you could ask for is just an arm's reach away but you couldn't grab the feeling if it hit you in the face.
The racing thoughts are so fast, nothing is comprehendable to you, and everything runs in a frantic pace around your body, so fast, for no reason whatsoever, and all you want is for it to just slow down for even one minute. Your mi nd whirls in circles and nothing will make it stop. Writing is near impossible, if anything, its unreadable. When you fly, you fly high, and it's close to piloting a plane...When it gets so uncontrollable, you're right next to crashing full throttle face first into the ground & you panic.
10-11-05
...I'm finally starting to sort out my feelings and focus on getting out of here. I think I'm going to start feeling a million times better once a couple things happen, like me dealing with my emotions and finding a target day to get out of here. I set one for myself so that helps a little to calm down the rapid wave of emotional turmoil that keeps overtaking me. Writing down how I feel no matter how repetitive really helps me out in sorting out how I'm feeling, why, and is very calming to me in a way I can't describe. Writing is really therapeutic for me. I know that once I sort out why i'm feeling the way I am, I can tell my stomach will settle and I'll be much more focused on myself, instead of my feelings. Then again, I know I need to wait on the meds as well.
I don't want to rush out of here this time, I don't want to push something that's just not happening.
10-12-05
I got a good night's sleep last night and woke up like life had a purpose, finally, a meaning for me. I finally felt like there is a light somewhere, some sort of distant clarity that seemed to really be in my reach for once. With my head clear and my concentration on track, now I can really dig my heels in and focus on the long haul. This little stay really does put things into perspective for me. While you're in a hospital like Fairmount, certain things are our of your grasp. You take for granted all the freedoms you had at home, all the personal time and space of being alone. Atleast here I have the staff to talk about my problems with.
Never again will I give credit for my recovery to somebody else, because I CAN get better on my own and nobody can do it for me. They can show me and guide me on how to go about my recovery, but only I can make the moves to go about it. This is finally one situation I can't rely on my wits and words and talk my way out of this. For once I can't use my intelligence to get me somewhere. Getting out of the hospital will be up to my moods and my mind on when I get out. I know my mind (I think) and I can honestly say I don't know when my moods will change, why, to what...That's the variety of life I guess. Never a dull moment.
I'm just glad to have what I have in my life. No matter how much self resentment I have for myself for actually taking the time out of my life to put myself inside a hospital, the more happy I become with myself. I actually took that first step and put my pride behind me, put my fears behind me, and said to myself: YOU NEED HELP. Everything happens for a reason and God puts people and circumstances in your path for a certain reason. Whether you know that reason or not is irrelevant, what matters is that you have the strength to weather the storm.
Day by day I look around me and realize that I want a kind of evenness and predictability in my life. So many people take for granted what they have in their lives. Sometimes I don't know why they can brush off stress and worry like that. When I'm manic, the whirling thoughts are confusingly appreciated, when I feel normal they're just plain confusing and somewhat maddening. You keep wondering why this had to happen to you. You don't feel strong enough to fight the beast in order to calm it. Then you go to bed and a new day starts, brand new and filling with anticipation. Today will be filled with whatever you put into it.
Suddenly you get the feeling come over you like something is changing. Your mind is clearer, not so emotional, and feelings once lost are there again.
Still slightly confused and feeling spun out, a bit of light shone through the darkness of my mind and offered a peace and calm I hadn't felt in a long time.
