303253's blog: "F**K"

Do me a quick favor, and actually watch it before you rate! I would like feedback if possible =)

So...I like funny, crude, and biting tshirts. You may have been able to tell by the shirt in my pic *wink*. Sooooo...I have had LOTS of comments on that particular shirt and others people have seen me wear. I will tell ya a secret...where I buy most of them (the one on my profile was NOT bought there though). I go to T-Shirt Hell ALOT. I am gonna include the link in here for anyone who wants to check it out and putting up pics of some of the less offensive shirts they have. YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND AND A SENSE OF HUMOR TO ENJOY THEM!!! MOST OF IT IS TONGUE IN CHEEK!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED SO DONT CRY TO ME IF YOU GET OFFENDED!!!!! That said, here ya go lmao......
(Link is at the bottom AFTER the pics)



















I have this one *wink*







I bought this one for the guys at work (I am an industrial maint/mechanic at a plant here lol)













And many many more....
MUWAHS!!!
Meli

http://www.tshirthell.com/hell.shtml

ONE FLAW IN WOMEN One Flaw In Women Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideas. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Goldfish Grave Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Job Application This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash. SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries.

Things we know because of TV # If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear. # If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. # All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. # All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. # It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. # Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. # The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. # You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home. # Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. # The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. # People of TV never finish their drinks. # A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. # The chief of police is always black. # When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. # If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. # Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. # During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. # Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. # Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. # Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets. # A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. # If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon. # Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. # Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. # All single women have a cat. # Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. # Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. # One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. # Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. # If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?" # Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident. # It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. # During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back. # When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. # Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. # Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. # When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. # Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste. # No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged. # If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity. # You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one. # Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. # Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday. # Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers. # All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. # It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. # Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one. # Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging. # A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. # If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

A Professional Gambler During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Real things said in court These are things that people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

History of the Internet In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.