I get asked a lot of questions while chatting so I'm creating a blog so I can answer them. Then anyone that has the same questions in the future can just read this blog. If you want any questions answered just leave a comment asking it.
Q:Are you gay?
A: Believe it or not, I do not know for sure. Ok, maybe that was not the answer you were expecting but I'm seriously not sure. However, I will try to give a better answer to this question. If I am gay then I wasn't born gay. Atleast not that I know of. Something happened to me before I knew what gay or even sex was. If I am gay then I think thats what made me gay. Allthough some peoples opinion are that I was gay all along but it wuz that experience that made me realize it. However, believe it or not I dont think I am gay. When looking at porno, I look at strait porno and wish I was the girl. Gay porno doesn't actually turn me on. However, I cant lie, I have had sex with guys. So am I gay? I think if anything I'm bi. But as a guy I couldnt be bi or atleast dont want to be. I want to say im either gay or strait but you couldnt say im strait. So for the sake of it I'm just goin to say that I'm gay.
Q:How long have you been gay and what made you gay?
A:I'm not completly sure. I could have been gay as early as five years old. I'm not sure if it was that young, however I do believe I was gay when I was younger than ten years old. When I was younger a boy moved into the house across the street from me. I dont know how old I was when he did but I do know that I could have been as young as five years old. I know this because the boy didn't live across the street from me for the first couple of years of my life but he is on video tape at my fifth birthday party. He was about the same age as me give or take so I started to hang out with him. Well I don't remember all the details so well but if I remember right eventually he taught me how to masturbate. Then I believe either later that day or a different day he talked me into giving him a blowjob. Now I want say that it was rape or molestation but some say all I can call it is just exploration. Well I will admit that from what I remember I did not resist. In no way was it forced. Though I'll admit I don't remember how I felt at the time about it before doing it. I'll admit I might have been curious bout it. However my guess would have been I felt that I was peer pressured into it. Some would say though that that doesnt matter. In some ways it doesnt because I could easily have just said I didnt want to do it. But I was young and I guess I was worried about what he'd say if I said no and whatever.
Q:Have I told anybody that your gay?
A:Well besides people I chat with online and my therapist no I havent.
Q:Have I ever had sex with a girl?
A:No.
Q:Why don't I just have sex with a girl to see if I like it?
A:Well there are times when I have thought about having sex with a girl but they are not often. With a girl I am the one doing the fucking. I like being the one getting fucked more than being the one doing the fucking. Truth is I haven't actually even fucked a guy. I'm not even sure if I would like it. With all the jerking off I do you'd think that I would. However jerking off and fucking somebody are two entirely different things. So while I don't actually know if I'd like it or not I'll admit I should probably try it anyways. If I fucked a girl and liked it then maybe I'd not want to be the one being fucked anymore. This might sound stupid but I'd like to think that my problems couldn't be solved that easily. However there is actually a reason why I think I would not fuck a girl at all. The reason is that I allmost feel by fucking a girl I would be doing something wrong. It's allmost like I would be destroying a beutiful thing. However I know that I'm not really because girls get pleasure out of being fucked. If I was to fuck a girl though I dont think I could ever fuck her rough. It would have to be soft and slow. Also I feel if I was to have sex with a girl she would have to b a girl that is physically bigger than me. That means either more fatter or more muscular.
Q:Why do I want to be a girl?
A:This is another tough question to answer. Even if I have an answer for it theres actually more than one answer. But where to start. Well I guess one of the reasons I want to be a girl to some extent has to do with my sexuality. I'll admit that if I am gay then to some extent I dont want to be. When I have been with guys sometimes I would get depressed about it. However even if I am comfortable with my sexuality, I still think it would be better being a girl than being a guy. There r a number of reasons of why I feel that but heres one.
I want a vagina. Really I want breasts also but theres mainly a reason why I want a vagina. One being that I don't want a penis. Allthough having a penis isn't the worse thing in the world so it's not the first reason. Another reason is that I want a vagina so that vaginal sex is the first option and anal sex is the 2nd. Theres actually a couple of reasons I want that but one is because anal sex alone jus doesnt do it for me. I don't orgazm from anal sex. I just get hard and cum a little. Maybe the guys that I have been with just sucked at it or maybe I just need to be loosened up more before I'm able to orgazm. Well even if those arent the reasons and I just can't orgazm from anal for some reason then I guess there are other things I could do.
Well I guess I could switch with a guy and be the one to do the fucking but one I want us both to orgazm from the same sex act and two I dont want to ever fuck a guy. Or I atleast don't ever want to fuck the same guy that is fuckin me. Atleast not in the same time that we have sex. The way I like it is one person fucking and one person being fucked. I dont like switching. The way I like it is that one person should be the bitch and the other guy shouldn't lower himself to the level of being the bitch. I dont even want him to suck my cock. I'm not even sure if i like having my cock sucked. I didn't like it that much when I had it done. Maybe the guys were just really bad at it or I was just uncomfortable with having a guy doing it. That's maybe because of not completly being comfortable with my sexuality. In the end I just don't even find two guys havin sex with each other as arrousing as a guy having sex with a girl. Problem is though gay guys are more likely b femenine but I know there r some butch gay guys out there so I guess I just have to look harder. But i want a guy that wants tits in his face and shit. Also i want to like the things girls like but for sum reason even though i dont now as a guy.
Another possible reason which I hate to admit but I will anyways are one it's maybe because I'm somewhat of a coward of a guy. I sometimes let other guys push me around. I have balls sometimes and don't allways let it happen but those times when it does happen upsets me makes me not happy with myself. In a way im not trying to be the best man in the world but it hurts my ego whenever I don't stick up 4 myself. I'm afraid that the more I let people push me around then the more likely I'm going to let it happen more often. If nothing else I atleast just don't want to let anybody push me around. And allthough I know I said I'm not tryin to be the best guy in the world sometimes I do kind of want to be. So the way I see it is if I can't be the top dog then I might as well be the bottom bitch. Now I know really I should just grow some balls. But to quote the great Marilyn Monroe, "I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it."
And yet another possible reason which I hate to admit but will is that maybe I'm just lazy. I'd rather not have to work. I'd rather sumone to support me and it just seems easier to get that as a girl. Now because I realize that thats not really a good reason then as a girl I atleast would want to make up for being so lazy. I'd either just do house chores or be a mans bitch all of the time or both. But if I did have to work then I'd like to just b a porn star or a stripper or even a ho. But well if I couldn't b any of those things well then I think I'd rather just work a job that women more easily get. So basically I must admit I realize that just bout any job I could get as a woman I could also get as a man so I am kinda bein lazy but its kinda about not actually wanting to do those jobs now and actually wanting to do other jobs so really this aint that good of a reason.
In the end I just think it would be better in every way being a girl than being a guy.
For now thats just about all the answer I have for this question. Theres more to come later maybe.
Q: Why don't I just get a sex change?
A: Theres actually a few different answers for this question. Truth is it's something ive debated back and forth so theres a chance id still get one. I guess the main reason is I worry that in the end people would still be able to tell Im a guy. Truth is I don't even crossdress right now so I dont know how likely id be able to pull off looking like a girl. I know crossdressing I would look less like a girl than if I had the surgery so I'm kinda scared to take the first step of just crossdressing. Especially since truth is as of now im not even femenine believe it or not. Really I couldnt be femenine without the help or hormones. I think if i tried to be then eventually I'd stop and break out in laughter at how I am acting. I'm actually glad I'm not femenine. I wouldnt want to be femenine but ill admit thats partially because of how other guys give femenine guys shit. But well truth is while i dont give femenine guys shit I do kinda think its funny. Really those guys can be however they want but really its not for me. Now even if I don't care what people think well I atleast want to like it. So if I dont look like a girl then I most likely wont like it.
But even if looks arent the most important thing which they arent completly more importantly is I'll want to think I'm a girl but mentally I think I will allways know that I'm actually a guy. And even if i could get over that fact then I atleast would want a girly personality. I dont know how much a sex change will actually change my personality. Allthough I think hormones are supposed to actually effect you mentally but im not sure. Now I guess Im never going to know untill I try. Now I guess the other thing is if I really am someone that should get a sex change then I would allready have the mind of a girl but I dont know if i do. If there is even such a thing as a girl born in a boys body well i dont think I am one because I believe it was something that happened to me when I was younger that made me want to be a girl and not something I was born with. So I dont have a girls brain or atleast not fully. Atleast not as much of one as I want to have. So I just dont think I could live the life I want to as a girl if I dont have the mind of one. Now I'll admit at times I think that it's allright if i just get a sex change but still have the personality I have now, just would like to think that a sex change to me is not just about changing the body but the mind as well.
I'm also worried bout what my family would think but so far I haven't even told them what my sexuality is. I don't know what they would think about it. Truth is I don't think they would really have a problem with me atleast being gay and if they did i dont think they would say anything about it. But I think they would have more of a problem with me wanting to be a girl but probably wouldnt say anything bout that either. But like I said I'm a little bit of a coward and even if they didnt have a problem with it id be worried that they do and id allways have an akward feeling around them. But I'm thinkin if it comes to it i could jus move cross country and never see or talk to them again. But then I know then theyd think I'm dead and I actually kind of dont wanna put those thoughts into their heads. Now I guess I shouldnt worry about what people think of me, even my family, but I do so say whatever you want.
I think I might want to do something with my life than wanting to be a girl. One of those things is to make a movie. I kinda hate to say I want something more than being a girl but I kind of do. However, truth is I spend most all of my time thinking about being a girl. Well I don't know how true that is but it seems true. I'll admit really most of my time is spent masturbating but when I do it's to thinking about being a girl. Thing is though I must admit it's got so bad for me that sometimes I don't really think about anything. I just masturbate to do it. Well I must admit most of my time is just spent doing normal things but when I do those things a lot of the time I can't concentrate because my mind wanders to thinking about being a girl. Or maybe just to sex in general and I end up masturbating. Really I must admit I dont know how often I actually think about being a girl and just doing normal stuff and not just sex. So I must admit I don't know how much I really want to be a girl just for the sake of being a girl. I'd like to think I do but I'm not really sure. Thing is most of my time is spent online on myspace not even exactly talking about being a girl but just kinda pretending to be one. While I'm in the chats I'll say stuff as a girl would. I do that for my own self entertainment or whatever to see how much I can sound like a girl and for the entertainment of others. But I think I kind of also do it hoping that somebody will ask me aren't you a guy and when I say yes but say that I want to be a girl. Then they ask me why I want to be a girl and guess I want that just so I can answer the question and get into a discussion bout it. And having that discussion I maybe feel will either push me more towards trying to get a sex change or maybe just satisfying myself even though not being a girl. Well I do want to make a movie like I said and I'm thinking if I was to get a sex change then I'd want to make a movie still. So I guess I could get a sex change and still make a movie but then there wouldn't be anything too different. Allright I guess some stuff would be but I want a lot more to be different. I want to live a more simpler life where I work as a waitress or a hair styliest. Yes I realize not all girls have those jobs nor do they have to but if I was to be a girl I would want those jobs. Thing is with the personality I have now I dont think I could be happy with those jobs. And again I want the personality of a girl that that loves to shop shitt like that and not make a movie. So in the end I think I'm not going to get a sex change and just hope there is a 2nd life or something and hope I'm a girl in it.
Now if nothing else well I guess the only thing stopping me from getting a sex change is money.
For now thats just about all the answer I have for this question. Theres more to come later maybe.
Q: If im not going to get a sex change then why dont I just crossdress?
A: I'm not going to post the answer for this one but check back soon.
