About me:
Lets see, what is there to know about me? Well, for starters I have two speeds - walk and kill. I once ate 3 72 oz. steaks in 1 hour - I spent the first 45 minutes having sex with my waitresses. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for ME! I sleep with a nightlight because the dark if afraid of me. I can unscramble an egg. I do not sleep, I wait. My chief export is pain, and I can divide by zero. I hold the secret to cold fusion - but will not let it be known until they put Family Matters back on the air. I clog the toilet when I piss. My cowboy boots are made from real cowboys. I once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one. If I’m running late, time better slow the fuck down. I do not go hunting, I go killing. It takes 25 puppeteers to make me smile, but only 2 to destroy an orphanage. I can make a woman pregnant just by pointing at her and saying "booyow". In the morning, I don't have to style my hair - it jumps into place out of sheer terror. The last time I went to donate blood, I denied the syringe and instead used a handgun and a bucket. Now, I donate blood more often - just not my own. If at first you don’t succeed – you are obviously not me! I visited the Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands. I do not teabag the ladies, I potato sack them. The quickest way to a man’s heart is my fist. I lost my virginity before my dad did. I am not hung like a horse, horses are hung like me. I am currently suing NBC over the use of "Law and Order" since they are trademarked names of my left and right legs. I never have to read a book - I just stare it down until I get the information I need. By the way - My tears can cure cancer (It's too bad I never cry) and on the Oregon Trail, I always make it to Oregon before you. You know, they say you are what you eat - thats why I am made up of blood, steel, and the tears of small children. I can eat a Rubix Cube and shit it solved. I do not get wet, water gets me. One last thing about me. There is no secret behind crop circles - it's just my way of saying that sometimes corn needs to lay the fuck down.
