This is an open letter to my Dad. I wrote this to him after hearing one of my friends father passed away tonight. I just figured I better tell him everything I needed to while he was still here. It's rather personal to me and has a lot of personal information about my life but I felt compelled to share this with all of you and maybe inspire someone who still has their Dad left to let them know how you feel.
Dear Daddy,
I know your not to big on reading letters but I felt that there are just some things I needed to say to you. I don't think you know how much you are really respected and loved. I wanted to take the time and go back and reflect on some of those things that really meant a lot to me over the years because you've been there to always help me pick up the pieces of my life.
From sickness as an infant to the big divorce. Even now when I'm struggling with medical issues with everyone in the family you've been here to lend an ear. Doesn't matter if I'm sad and worried or bitching and whining. Way before I was even born you took my sisters under your wing when their biological father passed away. You made the your own. You picked Mom up off her low place and brushed her off and showed her more love that one woman could ever dream of. You always made us feel as one whole family instead of two separate ones acting as one. You even gave us all the same name and adopted Becky and Dawn and never looked back from that moment on.
Remember the time you put me on your shoulders and walk through the park. I felt so proud to be up there. All the other kids were looking up at me. Funny now I think back on it, you never minded the ice cream on your hat. You just took it off and wiped it off,looked up at me, flashed a smile and kept walking along pointing out the funny monkeys. I loved those weekly trips and I still love them. Just now we don't always get to spend those trips alone and talking like when I was younger. Either way, I cherish them just the same because it's time with you.
Many of times as I grew older I know you would get frustrated at things I did. You wouldn't get mad at me though. You would pull me aside and try to reason with me and help me solve whatever problems arose. I can honestly say most of the time those problems got solved. I wouldn't have had the understanding and patience I do now with people if you never showed me logical ways to problem solving. I've taken those long talks and turned them into life lessons I still carry with me till this day. You even commented the other day how I have taken your tips and turned them into my own and pass along to my kids.
As I hit middle school you were the one who taught me to accept my changing body. I know that wasn't easy for you since you've always been quiet bashful about issues dealing with us girls growing up. But you pulled us aside and let us ask what we wanted despite the fact we giggled at the three shade of red you always turned. We used to hog the bathrooms and leave our girly stuff all over. You never even got mad when we painted your toenails when you were sleeping that one time. I still laugh when I think of you walking around the house with bright pink toenail polish on peeking out of your slippers. Those were the days.
I know we were pain in the asses asking for money too. You had three hands out always asking for a 50 spot to go to the movies or an outfit for a school dance. I don't know how you ever did it. You managed to always get us more than we needed. You never complained either. Even when my shoe fetish started in 7th grade, you would drive me to the mall and stand around while I tried on several pairs of shoes. I always asked you if you liked them and you were always honest with me too. Remember those denim boots? haha! I can't believe you let me buy those!
After awhile boys came around. You started to get pretty strict then. I can understand why now but back then I just wanted you to like who I liked. I didn't understand why you would tease the boys that came around to see me.
You made sure we were on our best behavior at all times around the house. You watched us like a hawk. I rebelled. For that I am sorry. If I had of listened to you the next few years for me would have been a lot easier and less heartbreaking.
When I came to you and told you I was pregnant you lowered your head and hugged me. I felt you holding your breath so you wouldn't cry. I knew I broke your heart. Again, I am deeply sorry. I was sad because of the mistake I made but more sad that I let you down. You sat me down again and helped me work out my problems. You gave me choices and pro's and con's for each. You never told me what you wanted me to do but led me toward the forks in the road and let me make the choices that determined my life.
When Mom got sick you asked me for help. That's the first time ever I seen you helpless. I tried to be strong and do the best I could. I worked long and hard to help the love of your life stay a part of your life as well as mine.
When we knew she needed bone marrow I was scared. I remember you looking at me with that sad look on your face telling me I didn't have to give her marrow if I was too scared. I wanted to. I love Mom too and I knew how much you loved her as well. I did it for our family. I wish there was more I could have done to help to take the stress off of you. That helped me grow up and understand the fine line between life and death.
I went on to make you proud and finished school, even went to college. I didn't go as far as you wanted me to go but I did try. School was tiresome for me. I got bored with it. I didn't want to do it for the wrong reasons. I had to start to do things for myself. Despite the fact you thought it was wrong. I wanted to be independent but I also didn't mean to reject you. I would never want you to feel that way, EVER.
When Becca died I didn't know how you would feel. Everyone knew deep down that you loved her like one of your own but you seemed to be holding up better than Mom though you would. But I seen the pain in your eyes when the doctor came out and said she was gone. I heard you cry too, through the bathroom door. I didn't let you know I heard you and I never told anyone, but I cried with you. I knew you were hurting and trying to be strong for all of us. But hearing you weep made you more of a man to me that you ever will know.
Remember walking me down the isle? What were the words you said to me? Run now, I'll hold them back? haha! Hate to say it but you were right. You let me choose. You let me become independent. I just never knew how much you disliked him. Even through the black eyes and broken ribs, you always had my back. Never asking questions just taking actions. And Dad, if it wasn't for you rescuing me that last time I may not be here to write this. I feel you saved my life.
After the divorce life got sad for me. You let me move back home and you helped me get back on my feet. That was years ago, and I'm still standing tall. I do all I can to make you proud of me. Even though the roles have changed now and you live with me, nothing has changed. What's mine is yours, same as you always shared everything with me all my life.
So for that I thank you a million times with a million kisses that you now think I'm too old to give you. You are the only man in my life I will ever consider a saint. You've been a veteran, son, a husband and the best father a little and big girl could ever want. Thank you for life and thank you for making me the person I am. You going on 69 now and you call yourself an old man. But to me you'll always be that strong man holding me up on your shoulders.
With love,Your daughter,
Genny
