IJ's blog: "Everything"

another day lost in her smile

so many things there's yet to say

how much she makes me feel alive

how I seem to love her more each day

 

so thankful that we made it thru

so many trials in our short past

but now we're here, against the odds

we've showed them all, that we will last

 

my better half controls my heart

for this heart beats for her alone

soon, she'll be were she should be

no longer bound by text and phone

 

into my arms... not just the dream

the feel of her skin, the touch of her breath

the small cries of pleasure, as I once again take her

to live life without her, I'd rather have death

 

I was incomplete ,without even knowing

it took me my whole life to find what I need

she appeared, like a dream, and gave my life meaning

my soul, like a bird from a cage, she has freed

 

so know when u read this, my Dani, my angel

you're the reason for most of the smiles in my life

that I dream of the days you are here to complete me

and I pray that oneday I can call you my wife...

it only fits to call her this

she burns so bright u see

a star to fill my darkened life

the piece that has completed me

 

I love her more with every breath

my arms they ache to hold her close

the little things that mean so much

we argue... who loves who the most

 

I plan to share my life with her

the ups the downs, the everything

I'm sure the day is comming soon

when on one knee, out comes the ring

 

my smile depending on her smile

Danielle... I love to say her name

and if you thought I call her star...

you're wrong.., cause she's my little flame

my birthday wish spinning, whirrling, breaking down all the things I have, trapt deep in my mind the whispers, the mumbles, the movement of shadows sometimes so afraid of what things I might find I sit here and wish for an end to this bullshit I sit here and wonder, what it is that I've done to make all the things in my life, up and leave me fuck that last nerve shit... I woke up with none I sit here and wait for the phone to start ringing expecting with each ring, my mom's crying voice for three days I've sat here, just falling to pieces my moods up and down, cause I don't have a choice my friends tell me "chin up"... like I feel like smiling a week till my birthday ... doesn't seem like 2 years I know this is one day ... thats suppose to be happy but instead... it's become one of my biggest fears in '07 on my birthday... I lost my Pop to cancer it's been two short years, but I'm starting to see as I sit here and pray for the health of my grandma her home, safe and sound, is all I'm wanting for me..

Silence alone again, it starts again these voices all around me how do I start to block it out when it's something that I cannot see how much control it takes each day to try to act like it's " alright" when my mind's twisting, lashing out you know when I'm too weak to fight cause thats when things...go kinda wrong when I'm not myself, well thats what's said thats when my mind starts breaking down you wouldn't believe all the shit in my head like a hostage I sit here and watch it all crumble the whispers of demons... they flutter my soul thats when I begin to start wanting for nothing to silence the dreams... the mind out of control...

why am i here? my heart feels so troubled why am i here? is it to love or is it to fear? to love is so beautiful but it scares me so much i wait for the pain as i wait for your touch i've heard all the lies and i'll hear them again thats why i'm fearing, inside i'll be hurt in the end should i be brave and let my heart go? could i trust you enough to let the love show? and if i gave in would you give too? is it really safe for me to fall in love with you? am i to love or am i to fear? Please God, what’s the answer? why am i here? that is, until I met Danielle. Now I know that it's to love. Thank you, Dani. Thank you for answering my question, my love.

Always… sitting here, awaiting sleep my thoughts lost in your smile i close my eyes but sleep wont come so i think i'll write awhile i know our future isn't set but please love, do not fear the only fear thats in my heart is losing you, my dear these thoughts of you, they warm my heart in a world that feels so cold and with those thoughts, the smile it brings for a love that won't grow old i count myself a lucky man now each and every day so thankful that your hearts with mine and there it's sure to stay so, i'm hoping that these words of love will help you understand you will always be my only one and i will always be your man...

the man behind my lids again the whispered voice that haunts my ear trying to take control away the emptiness, the chill of fear the push and pull inside my head cause i am good, but he is not it seems we battle constantly taking all the will i've got i try to smile despite the pain it makes things worse if i give in why is it he won't go away and take this want, this need to sin how will i live a normal life when i can't control the way i feel now so depressed i cannot think wishing, all of this wasn't real

i had the dream again last night my eyes in a body i cannot control the killing is done, so now i start eating blood-dripping mouthfuls of bodies once whole wordless i'm screaming, tho no one can hear me the voices grow louder than they've ever before they want me to finish this deed that i've started looking down at the bodies that litter the floor slowly i kneel down, all hope abandoned the sickness consumes me with each dripping bite tho turning my stomach, i feel that i need it how sick to find meaning in something not right awake now i wonder, have i finally lost it will i ever return from the sick place i've been? i know it's not normal, all the death that surrounds me afraid that when sleep comes...it will all start again

simple math so lost without your gentle touch i long, so bad, for your embrace i'd sell my soul just to hold you close i'd give my life just to touch your face a love-sick man behind these words i kneel and pray to the man above "why did you take my heart away?" "are all these trials to test this love?" an answered prayer brought you to me i could have never asked for more i had no clue the gift you are or the strength of love i'd have instore so now each night, i thank the lord for the day he put you in my path me+you=happiness my gift of love was simple math...

rain drops beating down apon her ashen face dreaming a dream that can never be no longer in control of what is to come wash away the blood so no others can see driving me crazy, put to the test i felt my heart breaking and my sanity lost i had to have you, to love you, to own you you had to be with me no matter the cost i lost my reason and slipped into nothing all this raging and voices i hear in my head i feel my grip slipping, i'm sinking, i'm drowning i find myself thinking i'd be better off dead as i stand in the darkness i look to tomorrow then i think, with a smile, of the love that you'd hide the fault is all mine not yours my obsession your love lost forever, the moment you died pain, rage, confusion, and a shattered heart led to this deed, which i have done as the police cars form in a circle around me a single tear falls in the new morning sun...