Icarus's blog: "Hurts to watch."

All the rage got out.
Now I'm just a limp empty balloon.
Kinda feels nice.

Maybe its the tea.

Maybe its the dull gray sunday morning.
Or the long sit on the edge of the bed.

The fact that date 5 is on the way?

I dunno...
My mom called last night mid-breakdown.
And I only answered because I knew she'd call
and call
and call
and call
and call

And it all came out. Every single aspect of my life is pissing me off.

My brother didn't get the job in this region.
My friends are twats.
I'm artistically dehydrated.
I've had this same upper head cold for 2 1/2 weeks.
My dog is cunty and in heat.
My family is supportive but ceaselessly irritating and poking into my life.
What so many people are willing to erroneously call a relationship is constantly riding the brakes.
I'm getting a financial foothold, I'm even going to write the check to pay off my folks next week and not bat an eye-but what that also means is I need to take another step, I'm secure but I need to be earning at least twice this. I need to move and move on, and that's big, and that's stressful.
And my fucking airbrush broke down for no explainable cause.

1/3 of the way done with a project too :/

It was going so great.

But we're past the point of "man this is so much better than it was/in jail".
When do I get to have pancakes on a weekday again?
Spend all day drinking coffee and talking in a diner?
I can't do this 8-5 shit forever.
I need to write, I need to take mid-day naps and stay up til 3 on a crazy idea, I need to break out.
I need to ride a roller coaster instead of a carousel.
I won't be me any more.

I know what I can do about the airbrush... even with a store credit or full exchange I'd be pretty happy. I needed an adjustable-head drill and some accessories anyway.
Everything else is on simmer.
And I'm really starting to notice how many pots I have on the stove with nothing good in them.

I dunno...
what do I do first?
Fix up my hobby and wait longer for everything to get better?
Clean my house again?
Work out every other day?
Assemble a working portfolio?
See
everything I've done since I got this job is just to distract me from the fact that I have to WAIT.
And when something goes wrong... like my portal to my hobby breaks down, it becomes more apparent that I'm putting a bandaid on a dam.

Maybe I've spent too much time being afraid to fail after failing so much...