"As soon as she was gone, I told the maid I would go up
and lie down on our lodger's bed, mine not being made, with
a charge to her at the same time not to disturb me, as it
was only rest I wanted. This injunction probably prov'd of
eminent service to me. As soon as I was got into the bed-
chamber, I unlaced my stays, and threw myself on the outside
of the bed-cloaths, in all the loosest undress. Here I gave
myself up to the old insipid privy shifts of my self-viewing,
self-touching, self-enjoying, in fine, to all the means of
self-knowledge I could devise, in search of the pleasure that
fled before me, and tantalized with that unknown something
that was out of my reach; thus all only serv'd to enflame
myself, and to provoke violently my desires, whilst the one
thing needful to their satisfaction was not at hand, and I
could have bit my fingers, for representing it so ill. After
then wearying and fatiguing myself with grasping shadows,
whilst that most sensible part of me disdain'd to content
itself with less than realities, the strong yearnings, the
urgent struggles of nature towards the melting relief, and
the extreme self-agitations I had used to come at it, had
wearied and thrown me into a kind of unquiet sleep: for, if
I tossed and threw about my limbs in proportion to the dis-
traction of my dreams, as I had reason to believe I did, a
bystander could not have help'd seeing all for love. And
one there was it seems; for waking out of my very short
slumber, I found my hand lock'd in that of a young man, who
was kneeling at my bed-side, and begging my pardon for his
boldness: but that being a son to the lady to whom this bed-
chamber, he knew, belonged, he had slipp'd by the servant of
the shop, as he supposed, unperceiv'd, when finding me asleep,
his first ideas were to withdraw; but that he had been fix'd
and detain'd there by a power he could better account for
than resist.
"What shall I say? my emotions of fear and surprize
were instantly subdued by those of the pleasure I bespoke
in great presence of mind from the turn this adventure might
take. He seem'd to me no other than a pitying angel, dropt
out of the clouds: for he was young and perfectly handsome,
which was more than even I had asked for; man, in general,
being all that my utmost desires had pointed at. I thought
then I could not put too much encouragement into my eyes and
voice; I regretted no leading advances; no matter for his
after-opinion of my forwardness, so it might bring him to
the point of answering my pressing demands of present case;
it was not now with his thoughts, but his actions, that my
business immediately lay. I rais'd then my head, and told
him, in a soft tone that tended to prescribe the same key to
him, that his mamma was gone out and would not return till
late at night: which I thought no bad hint; but as it prov'd,
I had nothing of a novice to deal with. The impressions I
had made on him from the discoveries I had betrayed of my
person in the disordered motions of it, during his view of
me asleep, had, as he afterwards told me, so fix'd and charm-
ingly prepar'd him, that, had I known his dispositions, I
had more to hope from his violence than to fear from his
respect; and even less than the extreme tenderness which I
threw into my voice and eyes, would have served to encourage
him to make the most of the opportunity. Finding then that
his kisses, imprinted on my hand, were taken as tamely as he
could wish, he rose to my lips; and glewing his to them, made
me so faint with over-coming joy and pleasure that I fell
back, and he with me, in course, on the bed, upon which I
had, by insensibly shifting from the side to near the middle,
invitingly made room for him. He is now lain down by me,
and the minutes being too precious to consume in untimely
ceremony, or dalliance, my youth proceeds immediately to
those extremities, which all my looks, flushing and palpi-
tations had assured him he might attempt without the fear of
repulse: those rogues, the men, read us admirably on these
occasions. I lay then at length panting for the imminent
attack, with wishes far beyond my fears, and for which it
was scarce possible for a girl, barely thirteen, but all and
well grown, to have better dispositions. He threw up my
petticoat and shift, whilst my thighs were, by an instinct
of nature, unfolded to their best; and my desires had so
thoroughly destroy'd all modesty in me, that even their
being now naked and all laid open to him, was part of the
prelude that pleasure deepen'd my blushes at, more than
shame. But when his hand, and touches, naturally attracted
to their centre, made me feel all their wantonness and
warmth in, and round it, oh! how immensely different a
sense of things did I perceive there, than when under my
own insipid handling! And now his waistcoat was unbuttoned,
and the confinement of the breeches burst through, when out
started to view the amazing, pleasing object of all my
wishes, all my dreams, all my love, the king member indeed!
I gaz'd at, I devoured it, at length and breadth, with my
eyes intently directed to it, till his getting upon me, and
placing it between my thighs, took from me the enjoyment of
its sight, to give me a far more grateful one in its touch,
in that part where its touch is so exquisitely affecting.
Applying it then to the minute opening, for such at that age
it certainly was, I met with too much good will, I felt with
too great a rapture of pleasure the first insertion of it,
to heed much the pain that followed: I thought nothing too
dear to pay for this the richest treat of the senses; so
that, split up, torn, bleeding, mangled, I was still supe-
riorly pleas'd, and hugg'd the author of all this delicious
ruin. But when, soon after, he made his second attack, sore
as every thing was, the smart was soon put away by the sove-
reign cordial; all my soft complainings were silenc'd, and
the pain melting fast away into pleasure. I abandon'd myself
over to all its transports, and gave it the full possession
of my whole body and soul; for now all thought was at an end
with me; I lived but in what I felt only. And who could
describe those feelings, those agitations, yet exalted by
the charm of their novelty and surprize? when that part of
me which had so long hunger'd for the dear morsel that now
so delightfully crammed it, forc'd all my vital sensations
to fix their home there, during the stay of my beloved guest;
who too soon paid me for his hearty welcome in a dissolvent,
richer far than that I have heard of some queen treating her
paramour with, in liquify'd pearl, and ravishingly pour'd
into me, where, now myself too much melted to give it a dry
reception, I hail'd it with the warmest confluence on my
side, amidst all those extatic raptures, not unfamiliar I
presume to this good company! Thus, however, I arrived at
the very top of all my wishes, by an accident unexpected
indeed, but not so wonderful; for this young gentleman was
just arriv'd in town from college, and came familiarly to
his mother at her apartment, where he had once before been,
though by mere chance. I had not seen him: so that we knew
one another by hear-say only; and finding me stretched on
his mother's bed, he readily concluded, from her descrip-
tion who it was. The rest you know.
"This affair had however no ruinous consequences, the
young gentleman escaping then, and many more times undis-
cover'd. But the warmth of my constitution, that made the
pleasures of love a kind of necessary of life to me, having
betray'd me into indiscretions fatal to my private fortune,
I fell at length to the publick; from which, it is probable,
I might have met with the worst of ruin if my better fate
had not thrown me into this safe and agreeable refuge."
Here Louisa ended; and these little histories having
brought the time for the girls to retire, and to prepare
for the revels of the evening, I staid with Mrs. Cole till
Emily came and told us the company was met, and waited for
us.
