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Some may remember what happened last year, for those that dont and care to find out it can be found here... http://www.fubar.com/one-more-day/b327318-1093220
Ive felt the loom of the holiday approaching for some time, and have done my best to occupy myself and my mind. But inevitably it is something I must face when I return home. Ive processed and rationalized it in my mind, maybe to burn myself out and just be numb so that I can muddle thru. But as the time draws nearer, I am consumed with this mixture of dread & loss, and things being out of place and incomplete. I feel...drastic.
The more I contemplate, the more I feel I must get away. A struggle between the part of me that feels I must pay homage, the obligation to display and share your pain in the presense of your kindred, vs the rational need to represent & be productive thru a life well lived, in tribute.
To understand this, you must know my father. We're talking about a guy that got up and left thanksgiving dinner after we finished eating, to quote "All ya do is talk about who died, who's gonna die, who's sick and has the most potential to die, and who is left in the wake and how bad it is for them. Bluhh, Im going home! Thank ya for the vittles!"
This makes me concede what his outlook would be about us all getting together and brooding over his absence. He would probably be livid. I mean this guy couldve had open heart surgery per se, and if there was anyway he could get away with not telling me about it, Id never know until I called one day or my grandmother told me..."Pop, I understand you were in the hospital?"..."Ehh, they just had to open my pipes up a bit, wuchu up to bud?"...."Well dude, throw me a bone, I would at least like to know if youre going under the knife"...."Wuchu gonna do, huh? Take off work and come down there and sit your ass and hem n haw bout shit you cant do nothing about?"..."Well thats up to me, I still wanna know whats going on with ya, just sayin."...."huhuhuh, whatever, its done."
He would have about the same to say about the current situation. I can hear him saying "Heres what your problem is, you think you have all this power, you think you can change things and make them better with your despair, when fact is you dont have any power at all, your anguish doesnt affect the outcome of things in the least. All youve accomplished is tick away a buncha time that coulda been spent living."
His voice has become increasingly clear and present in my head over the past months as you can tell. As much as I wanna skip going home, I have to consider my grandmother, and her loss as well, its not all just me. She has buried my grandpa, my father(her first born), and now the youngest (my uncle) has cancer. She will be struggling with her own feelings of loss as well. I need to be there to help keep her in touch with what she has left, and what I have left as well.
But I just dont know if I myself can endure a lengthy stay as in the past. Which brings me to where Im going with all this...which ironically is also the epic question...
See next entry
