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What are you waiting for?
Alone in the dark, adrift in the sea of emotions. Lost and confused, hurt again, time slows down, till every minute seems to drag on. Pulled from every direction, your held in a delicate balance of indecision. Any choice you make the wrong one for one reason or another. You can never make everyone happy. closing one door to open another. half tempted to say fuck it all, and just make a move, any move, consequences be damned, just to make the pain and stress go away. To be free and happy. I can still hear her voice lingering in my ear. the sound so sweet one minute, and as the conversation comes to a close, her voice drops to little more than a whisper; the sound alone enough to break your heart, so vulnerable and fragile. my heart in my throat as I think about her. Feelings of impotence flow through me, overwhelming me with my inability to do any of the things i want to do. Held in a prison of my own making. Seamingly thrown to the sidelines to watch your own life as it passes you by, unable to call the plays. Just another day in the life...
an N1 original work
The wind roars in her ears, as it flows past her, her hair billowing behind her at war with the wind itself, the strands lashing back and forth. her arms stretched to either side, her delicate fingers playing an imagined tune into the wind. An uncomprehending smile plays across her lips. The Wind stings her face, drawing tears from her dep blue eyes. Her expression serious as it almost always is, her foot tapping along to the beat into the open air, still unsure of what is happening. Her eyes go blurry as she tries to make it all make sense. Her mind mulling over the decisions she has made, her past present and future coming together to make her the person she is today. her eyes catch hold of the ground coming up at her quickly. It all snaps back in her mind, she stretches her wings out, knowing all to quickly that they are no longer their. The despair in her eyes evident as the last few feet of air dissapears, she hits the ground, and bounces back into the air, the tinkle of something breaking distinct, as her body comes to rest on the hard ground.
She sits up in her bed, wide awake, drenched in sweat, the images burned into her mind, the last thing she saw before hitting the ground were thoughts of him, her N1gh7m4r3, and she smiles a little smile to herself, she lays back down happy with the world and drifts back off to sleep.
She is beautiful to me, my angel, broken halo and all, my Renee
Lost
Another day aririves, at least you think it is a new day, you can't really be sure anymore, they all have started running together, night into day then day into night, and again an endless cycle, with hopes and dreams dashed upon the rocks along the way. Life has taken on a drab overcoating, that drapes over everything, touching everything in your life, nothing can escape its embrace, colors aren't as vibrant, food doesn't taste as it should, and even sex has lost the pizzaz it once had. You shuffle around in your lil life till one day the lights finally go off, and there you are, standing there in the dark, alone and afraid. The cold starts wrapping itself around you, bringing goosebumps to your flesh. You stand there debating what to do; you can stand still, feeling life course around you flowing with the course of time swirling past, with no chance of anything ever changing, or you can start to move in a direction, any direction, back forward or side to side. You take a small step at first, then another, and you are moving. What are you looking for? what do you hope to find? Yourself? Someone else? Who can say, we are not you, we just watch you like a mouse trapped in a maze to see what you will do next. I noticed you when you came in, all a mess, and beautiful. I thought that you were about the prettiest thing i had seen in a long time, so i started watching you to see where you would go, and now you are here. I see you over there lost and alone, i can feel your pain and your loss, your desires, your hopes and your dream. My heart yearns to just run over and pick you up in my arms, kissing your face, and stroking your hair like you were my own child and tell you how everything will be alright again. -Sigh- but i mustn't do that yet, you are not ready, and i have done that too many times to get a slap in the face to rush out into it again. So i watch, the shuffling of your feet, watching you struggle, and play, waiting for something, just not knowing what it is. You lift your head and look around, like you can see something, but i know you can't...surely you cannot. And like that you turn in my direction, and start walking toward me. My heart starts beating irregularly and my palms start sweating. I am only an observer, i am not permitted to move, only observe. You are coming closer, i can hear you feet as they tap on the floor. My eyes start to get that wild look about them. I can smell you as you come closer still, like a wraith floating on the air, i can see the shape of your body, the lovely curves, they hairs flowing around your face, looking so much like an angel to me. Till there you are standing before me, only a few inches away, you look up at me, and our eyes meet, a goofy smile lights my face, and i see you smiling back at me, my heart skips several beats as you reach up, and put your arms around my neck. Your face inches closer, till i can't help myself, a moan escapes from me before our lips touch. Lightning courses through me, so soft and wet, and full of passion, the last thing i remeber is seeing the light in your world turning on, as the light around me dims. With a start i realize that now i am the one that is lost, feeling the softness of your body pressed against mine, i kiss you again, not caring, happy for the moment.
An N1 original work
Emotions lapp at my feet, surgeing to and fro to an unfathomable current. A tide of colors rush against my feet to splash up into the air billowing around the room like a miriad rainbow on a summer day when it starts to drizzle. It is beyond beautiful to watch, and yet all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs in sheer terror. Emotions laid to rest a long time ago. Life was so much safer when they laid dormant in the depths of my soul. Dead inside, but no pain or betrayals, just the fun that life is, the boundless unending array of troubles my mind could conjour with no worry of any complications. And here I find myself in a place I never expected to be again. Emotions, ever the sneaky bastards can't be fettered one at a time, its often all or nothing. They come up to shackle and bind me in ways I can't handle. There embrace a soft silken touch, the merest brush against my skin can bring shivers of extasy, pleasure or pain. They taunt and laugh at me, threatening with conviction they shouldn't have, I can put them down again if I choose to. They know something is coming... change. They can feel it flowing across the span of time, like a lovers outstretched hand in the dark, calling, waiting, knowing you will inevitably come. They rejoice in that revelation, at the thought of running rampant through my whole being, free to run a muck, delivering dollops of happiness, or pain as they so choose. As I quiver in dread, the pools at my feet ripple slugishly outwards. Anxiety starts to caress me like a long lost lover, I look down into the pools at my feet, as I see my harried reflection, I see the tears start to roll down my cheeks. There is only one escape from the jealousy, anger, pain, happiness, and the love. A path I am just as afraid to travel. And with that realization of defeat, the emotions slowly start replacing what was lost so long ago, my heart once again set in place to be broken, crushed, and discarded. With one final surge, emotions boiling up, erupt from all around me, encircling, consuming, taking over; with my last emotionless breath I am finally free, I can find my voice, and I finally scream, a primal scream filled with pain, sorrow, and loss ripped from my lungs with a ferocity I had not known was there, I rage at the pain and the hurt, the loves lost, the wrongness of it all, and at last when it is all exhausted, I lay spent on the floor, curled in a ball the tears freely streaming down my face, whole again.
An N1 original work
