So many thoughts,
Go through my head.
They are mosty about,
What has been said.
Many hurtful things,
Have been directed towards me.
They look at my appearence,
And say what they supposedly see.
From those harsh words,
I see my real self now.
I believe what they say,
Others all know now.
They tell me that I'm ugly,
And very overweight.
They say that I'm not good enough.
Their thoughts are full of hate.
My self-esteem lessens,
With each verbal blow.
And my true feelings,
Are what I am afraid to show.
It is because I am afraid to speak,
Because I will be put down more.
And I will feel even lower,
Than I was before.
There are other things that are said,
That eat at my brain.
They hurt me so badly,
That I cannot even explain.
I am called a dirty whore,
When I try to look good.
I then go back down,
Like they know I should.
I sit here in saddness,
Taking emotional shoves.
And I eventually think to myself,
I am someone that nobody loves.
I feel I am worthless,
By what I am told.
And if this continues much longer,
My heart will grow cold.
In attempts to shield myself,
From anymore anguish and pain.
I am always quickly stopped,
By more words said in vain.
For these many reasons,
I don't trust anyone at all.
And whenever someone compliments me,
I get scared and stall.
I think that if I let my guard down,
And believe whatever they say.
That I will be open to emotional damage,
And again I would be the prey.
So I am here now,
In a constant depression.
I don't let anyone see what I think,
I don't show them any expression.
I am going to keep my shield around me,
No matter what the cost.
Because I am afraid,
That more of my spirit will be lost.
I need someone to be there,
Who will only bring me love.
I ask and pray this as I look,
Into the sky above.
Until then I will keep myself,
From any kind of harm.
Until someone caring comes along,
And help my shield to quickly disarm.
© Tanya Lanea Carson 2006
